Editor's note: Virginia went to high school at St. Joseph's Academy (SJA) in Tipton, Indiana from 1956 -1960. She continued to live at SJA for two years after her graduation, serving in various clerical capacities. Her "Letters" begin in February of the second of those two years. The first volume of her "Letters" covers the remainder of that semester at SJA, her vain attempts to join various religious communities, the summer she spent with the Tanzilli family in Elwood, Indiana--her one and only experience of life outside of an institution--and her search for a new place to live the following fall. During her stay with the Tanzilli's, she met a group of individuals who belonged to a secular religious fraternity modeled upon the ideals and spirituality of Charles de Foucauld. Hence her frequent reference to the "Charlies." During these months she also had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with her spiritual director, Fr. Keith Hosey.

For more information concerning her life before SJA, refer to "The Early Years" on the main web page.

A.J.P.M

[Ad Jesum per Mariam]

Monday, Feb. 26, 1962

Dearest Mother,

You might think that this is a new wrinkle, but it's not. It's a new diary. There are no appearances to that effect, but I felt that this might bring me closer to you and your Son, so I asked Daddy to get it today. I know you're kept so very busy all day what with all the pleadings of your children, so I thought that after you get them pretty well settled for the night, I might come to sit at your feet, to tell you about all the thrilling experiences God had given me during the day, to confess how very ungrateful I have been and to seek your advice on how to do better. Please tolerate my childish prattle, smile upon my little anxieties, adjust the little crosses when I fail to dispose myself to their graces, and as my eyes close with the sweetness of your lullaby, turn my wandering thoughts heavenward to my heart's desire. And may the incessant beating of your Immaculate Heart bring to life in my soul that same love that brought upon you the motherhood of God and of us, the LOVE OF MY BELOVED, the love of your Son, Jesus.

This was Daddy's Day, God love him. He has been so persistent in trying to get a job with the State. These night hours are hurting him. Please reward his beautiful trust in Divine Providence soon. He was here for an hour and a half this afternoon. It is wonderful seeing him so often, but then I think that he must be a very lonely man. I know that he relies even more than he thinks on me to elevate this suffering. Please make me a worthy daughter. And yet, when a convent is mentioned, a cloud seems to appear on his face. If I should go to wed your Son one of these days as may perhaps be, please take care of him, love him dearly and lead him gently over the steep paths.

A postcard arrived today from your faithful servant Father Munro. He reminded me of your cry of abandonment: "Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum!" Teach it to me, not in lip service but let it be imprinted indelibly upon my heart.

Tuesday, Feb. 27

I felt pretty rough this morning. You must have laughed at the many decisions I made and broke. At first I wasn't going to go to Mass, but after the work put into getting dressed, I just couldn't stay up here with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass taking place just one elevator ride away. But then I was so nauseated and had a severe headache and I contemplated leaving after the Gospel, but I just had to stay and offer all today's graces. Then I just couldn't leave before the Consecration and finally it was impossible to go without receiving my Daily Bread. The thought of going up to my room as we passed the elevator soon fled in the wake of a reminder that I needed the strength of breakfast. Talk about procrastination! Finally, this afternoon I was studying a little French at our desk and fell hard to dreamland till supper time.

Please obtain for me the graces to accomplish what God asks of me. Take my weakness and give me His strength! By the way, God made characters like me too, and though He really has no need for me, I'm sure that He has created one and He will lead me to it in His own good time. Please stay with me Mother dear. I can't do anything alone! But "in Him I can do all things" which He asks of me.

Wednesday, Feb. 28

Myriam came in again last night, as she had done the night before, to read this letter to you. She is such a lovely girl, beautiful physically and spiritually.

After math this morning Sister Madonna said that she had laid aside two letters for me but couldn't put her finger on them just then. I didn't get them till Dorita delivered them at the supper table, so wondered all day whom they might be from. One was a postcard from Ruthie Arreche.

Poor little Ruthie is in the hospital now. We have corresponded since last August, when Joe Reilly recommended to Ruthie that we be pen pals. Bless that Joe. I shall always be grateful for having known this girl, even if only by mail. Joe took up a collection from all his friends in the fall of 1960 and sent Ruthie to Lourdes. She had worked faithfully with Joe's Wheels for Our Lady and was most deserving of the trip herself. She was even then in a wheelchair, wasted away to sixty pounds with painful arthritis. But such a valiant little soul she is. In answer to her prayers at Lourdes, she was married to "Eddie her love" last July, and they dedicated that union to the accomplishment of a stronger love of God, through each other.

Myriam didn't leave till nine-thirty last night. Just then SME [Sister Mary Eugenia] came in for our Catholic Digest. She offered to help me get ready for bed but I convinced her that I could do it okay. Guess she doesn't trust me after all those times I fell asleep with my clothes on. Can't say that I blame her, for sometimes I don't trust myself. Anyway I thought it was generous of her to offer, but then she is filled with kindness to me. If only I didn't forget that once in a while. Mother, please ask your Son to forgive my false judgments. I dearly love Sister and feel that you have given her to me in your place here at St. Joseph's. Let me never hurt her by the selfishness of a sharp tongue or by betraying an aching heart over some passing misjudgment. After all, I condemned your innocent Son.

Sunday, March 4

Seems that I've neglected this nightly preoccupation. Not that I wanted to, for I feel that I can draw much good from it, but Anita [her typewriter] conked out Thursday. Or should I say I conked her out? I was trying to finish Sister Josephine's term paper in time for her class that afternoon and was making all kinds of mistakes. Then, in erasing, my hand slipped and hit several keys at once. Then every time I turned on the machine the "Y" kept typing away and there was a terrific roar. Went down to ask SME what I should do, and Sister Josephine came along. I told her the difficulty and she said that she could hand her paper in this week.

Monday, March 5

Mrs. Ryan gave me the little deposit book today, and that thirty dollars looked mighty good on its pages. I hope to save as much as possible to get a dowry built up again. Not that I'm sorry for having used the hundred dollars from graduation to see Mother last summer. I shall never be sorry for that, although at times my heart ached to see her in such a weak condition, and even more to be asked to leave when only half the stay had terminated. I went there for only one reason, to tell her how very much I love her and pray for her. I cannot separate those two, for one supplements the other. However, I do feel that this savings account will be of help to Daddy should I enter a congregation in the near future.

Please tell me if I am being presumptuous in saying that I shall enter a convent. I desire that your Fiat be ever on my lips, but I firmly believe that God is sending me to a convent sooner or later. And even if it should be later, please ask for me the grace to do anything He appoints--joyfully, with much Love of Him

A letter arrived today from Tony Frignito, your faithful Lourdes pilgrim of several years. His mother went to her God last January. I am happy, for she suffered so and is now in the incomprehensible happiness of her God. How I long for the day when I too shall be led by you, my Queen and Mother, to eternal contemplation of your Son! Hasten the day, and beg His mercy upon this poor sinner who deserves nothing but the unquenchable fires of hell.

Wrote several letters this afternoon. Besides a "get well" card to Ruthie, I wrote to Sister Bernadette Mary. Sister Bernadette Mary is my pen pal in Africa. She is a Sister of Mary Immaculate in Ghana. When her cousin, Father Pwamang, was going to Ball State for six weeks in the summer of 1961, he said that his cousin wanted a pen pal and I volunteered. I shall never regret it, for Sister Bernadette writes lovely letters. I hope to gain a more zealous missionary spirit in this way.

Mother, I feel so very exhausted and everything I do is such an effort right now. Please obtain for me His strength, that same strength He used in carrying His heavy Cross, so that I may accomplish whatever He has designed for me, that I may carry mine in His blood-stained footsteps. 0 loving Mother, all my hopes are in you.

Wednesday, March 7

Well, Mother, the "bug" bit yesterday. I felt bad that evening but thought it would pass. However I was up all last night heaving and hoing. Yup, both ends. Thought I ought to stay in this morning.

I felt so bad about missing Mass, especially this first day of the Holy Lenten season, and I was the only one without a dirty forehead to remind me that I too shall return to dust. But then I did feel a little dusty,

Must rest a little now. SME just came in to offer some dry toast and hot milk, so I'll see what I can do with it. Kept the eggnog down she sent up at noon. Meanwhile, let this incessant pain be my night prayer this first day of Lent.

Thursday, March 8

Had sincerely intended to attend Holy Mass this morning, but I knew nothing till eleven. That made thirteen hours of sleep! It was fun, I guess. I felt much better because of it. Sister Josephine was in about noon. I finally delivered her term paper.

Just finished "Soldier of the Spirit," a wonderful version of Father Keith's Charlie Boy. Have begun a story of little Maria Goretti. No time to correct mistakes and too dopey to avoid them. Goodnight, Mother, be with me!

Friday, March 9

How wonderful again this morning to receive Communion and to be present at the Holy Sacrifice! Deo gratias!

Decided not to try the office yet, for as Grandma says, I felt a little "woozy". Yup, a special dictionary is needed to follow her, but that word aptly describes the weakness.

It was so sweet of Sister Agneta to take me when she made her Stations this evening. I hadn't made them yet this Lent because of the bug. Bless that little Sister. She has done so very much for me and I'm sure for many others. "Agneta" is the perfect name, and I pray that I too may become meek and humble, like a little lamb. Teach me much, dear Mother, during this sacred season of Lent. Most of all, teach me to walk the Way of the Cross worthily, for until then I cannot arrive at the empty tomb.

Saturday, March 10

Today has been a rather active one for me in my old age, but I rather enjoyed it. I gave our room a thorough cleaning this morning, then attacked our wheelchair, Viv-Ed. He, she, or rather it was mighty dirty from the weather we've had recently. Then I spent a most enjoyable hour with our Eucharistic Lord. I brought along MY BELOVED, a book I have wanted to read for a long time, but the light was too dim so I closed it after the first chapter. But that was sufficient to get my trend of thought on the cloister, and I just stayed there trying to talk it out with Him. After all, the decision isn't mine, but the idea of this total giving is daily growing in me, and I am now anxious to know the reply of the Sister Adorers of the Precious Blood in Lafayette.

After Benediction this evening Susan Elward washed and set my hair. We chattered in or about French most of the time. It is a good thing to keep our interests alive by using what we know. Then Linda Fishback kindly helped me with my bath and even cut my toenails and sewed on a button for me. Mother, that is the beautiful simplicity that I desire, that I ask. Let me never cease learning from Linda this important virtue in our climb to Eternity.

Sunday, March 11

Most of today was spent writing letters and St. Pat's Day messages.

The Mother-Daughter tea was held this afternoon in the girls' dining room, with the Juniors, Seniors and their mothers attending. Myriam went with Mrs. Ryan, but because I didn't have a guest I stayed in my room. I always feel a little moody on this annual occasion. It is one of those days on which my longing for Mother is very real to me. And so today, if I squeezed your hand extra tightly, it was because I was glad that you were there.

Monday, March 12

Have written several letters and St. Pat's Day greetings today. On most of the greetings I copied the old Irish blessing that I found on the card I sent to Joe Reilly, the one we used to hear often after your rosary on the radio. It is quite beautiful.

Don't feel so all right tonight and the supper came up. Hope it's not that crazy bug again. Mother, I do try not to be finicky, not to turn down what the other girls eat, but it is so very difficult to keep those coarser foods down, to digest them properly. But I fear that I shall have to be careful. Let me ignore the cross looks and biting remarks and do simply what I think is required of me at table. However, let me never feel that anything isn't good enough. I hope to reach a happy medium in this business.

Patty Busald just came in to remind me that we were to write our own prayers for tomorrow's aspirant meeting. I had totally forgotten that Father had asked us to write a prayer proper to this sacred Lenten season, so shall try to finish it in time. Mother, guide my thoughts to MY BELOVED often throughout the day and as often as I awaken during the night. I Love!

Tuesday, March 13

Father Keith asked for someone to read her prayer at our meeting this afternoon, and unfortunately I was the only one who had written one. If I had known I would have to read it publicly, I wouldn't have written such a long prayer, but once I got started, it was so very easy talking with so understanding a Mother and I just kept going for awhile.

Saw Father privately this evening. He received a reply from the Sister Adorers of the Precious Blood that the stairs and the diet require a "no" from them to handicapped girls. Also the Sisters of Jesus Crucified in Devon said that to take someone in my condition is against their rule. I asked Father if he would consider writing to the Carmelites in Indianapolis. He will do that for me, but I shan't get any hopes built up for I know that they are very austere from reading MY BELOVED. However, I've fallen in love with them since reading the Little Flower's autobiography. Meanwhile I shall continue the novena to your faithful spouse, St. Joseph, asking only your Fiat and the grace to see and accomplish God's Will.

Wednesday, March 14

Spoke to dear SME this morning about a "deal" and she has agreed that for the rest of this month we shall trade intentions in our Memorare to St. Joseph; she'll pray for me and I'll pray for her. I think that's really neat. Of course, you know already that mine is to see and perform only the Holy Will of God. Lord, that I may see!

Wrote to Daddy this afternoon. I asked Daddy about something I got in today's mail from the Catholic Digest Book Club. It is an entire library of Catholic information twenty books--two to a cover--for a mere six dollars and membership in the Club. How I would love to have these, for really the better we are steeped in the knowledge of God and His Church, the better we can LOVE so good a Master, so sacred a Spouse. Please help me twist Daddy's arm if you get around to it, and of course if He wants it. Let me be ever cautious to seek the Holy Will of God in all things.

Bishop Carberry arrived this evening. How I wish that I might speak for a few minutes with him. Perhaps I shall write and ask for a weekend appointment one of these days. Our bishop sat behind the girls this evening at Benediction. I was sitting at the back of our chapel and perhaps let out a sour note, for he turned completely around once when we were singing. If so, pardon me! I try, Mother, to tell you I love you, even if I croak in doing so.

Thursday, March 15

Overslept this morning, and then after the terrific rush I underwent someone tried to tell me Mass wasn't till seven. I went down to see for my self and was just in time for the six-thirty Masses. The Bishop's assistant said High Mass at the main altar, and Father Schiavone a Low Mass at St. Joseph's altar at the same time. The girls came trailing in during the Holy Sacrifice because no one had awakened them on time.

Fell asleep at the desk this afternoon. Get exhausted quite easily. Getting old perhaps. The Catholic Digest arrived in today's mail; that's all. Haven't read it yet but always anticipate the excellent articles.

Well, Mother, I have yet to get packed for the weekend with the Certains. How I love that great family! I always anticipate visiting them, sharing the beautiful family life that is theirs, that must have been yours also with Jesus and Joseph at Nazareth. That's the "Charlie" coming out in me again. I long for Nazareth!

Monday, March 19

There's just loads to tell you since last Thursday. This has been a great weekend. Please tell Him I told you so and tell Him I wish I could thank Him worthily for His unceasing generosity to me.

Mrs. Certain, Mary Agnes, and Lois Stewart came for me just after three on Friday. It was wonderful for me to be with "my own family" again. Mary and I had a great time and many giggles together. We returned home shortly before five this evening. It was the first time I actually cried after saying goodbye to them.

Just as I was unpacking Daddy walked in. He couldn't stay very long, but we had a nice visit. I was disappointed to learn that Jimmy isn't planning to attend a Catholic college. I shall write to him about that, so please tell me the right thing to say. It is so very important that he doesn't overlook the most necessary thing in his life, his God.

This Wednesday is the day of recollection for the women of the Muncie deanery. I'm praying that I might attend, for Julie Barrett has offered to be my "feet" for the day. I shall see Mother Gerard about it tomorrow.

Well, Mother dear, I must prepare for bed. Besides, you must be wearied at all this small talk. Just know that I love you and HIM, that I have missed the solitude necessary to speak to you as often as I would have wished this weekend, and although I didn't always get to complete the Holy Office, I wish to offer the joy and peace I knew with that wonderful family as a prayer. Smile on them sweetly, Mother, for I love them as my own. Reward them for their generosity to me and tell Him how I've enjoyed having my very own family for three days. Thank you, Mother dear, for being so understanding and patient with me. You know the pain I have suffered as a result of our family's separation from me, and especially from God. Please unite us in eternity, in HIM.

Tuesday, March 20

With Mary Ellen Kelly I rejoiced at the dawn today. I welcomed the routine, the tremendous treasures of Holy Mass and Communion, the time for private prayer and the Holy Office throughout the day. Let me remain always near Him! That is my only request, Mother dear. I never wish to be separated from my Eucharistic Spouse.

Saw Mother Gerard this evening, and she gave me permission to go to the Day of Recollection here tomorrow for the women of the Muncie deanery. I was so very glad, and will be assured of "feet" all day with Julie behind me. Bless that grand friend!

Wednesday, March 21

First of all, please tell Him thanks for a wonderful day for me. Mother, everything was tops, and I do feel that I may claim Julie's "spoiled" medal this evening.

Julie had two "Charlie" friends with her, Velma and Mary Joan. They're both tops, and I am proud to have had the opportunity to know them a little better, for I feel that even I may call them sisters.

Julie had brought her relic of St. Therese, and I got to hold it most of the day. It was a reminder of the "little Way" which I wish to imitate. I am so happy that I have finally come to value the Little Flower's friendship so much more than even before. I told Julie that I thought the relic was Therese's corn and she repeated the comment when she and Velma were seated behind me in chapel. And you can guess which of your spoiled brats got the giggles. But then I thought I saw a faint smile on your lips so didn't feel too bad.

After debating for some time, I finally got enough nerve to pop a big question to Julie. I asked if perhaps I might be able to attend the next meeting of the "Charlies." She has it all worked out with the consent of her mother, whom I got to meet today. I get to stay all night with Julie after the meeting. Now who gets the spoiled medal? I am so tickled.

Friday, March 23

Last night I forgot to mention that Mother Gerard said I needn't leave when the Sisters recite their office in the evenings so now I may say Vespers and Compline with the community. It means so much more to me that way.

This afternoon I finally got around to writing a long letter to Sister Roberta. It amounted to four typewritten pages, for I went into extensive detail about my physical condition, etc. I asked Sister to further the information to the right channels for me. Mother, show us!

I also answered the bunch of letters that Sister Marie Josine brought from her class. In my letter to the children I tried to introduce myself and my handicap and happiness with it. Perhaps I may give them a few insights into the happiness of suffering, and the feelings of the handicapped. This is a good little apostolate we've started, and I beg the grace to glorify God--and not myself--through it.

Please thank him for the little cross I received this evening. I thought the stave poking me last night was a little difficult, but now one of the hip paddings is off and the steel is digging the flesh at that particular point. Take even this to Him, Mother, and tell Him I Love Him alone. Thanks be to God!

Saturday, March 24

Got our room cleaned and that was about all I accomplished today. This fatigue is quite a handicap at times. Did He make that too? Of course I know He did, and He must have felt it many times, especially on the road to Calvary. So this is just another opportunity of learning Christ. Teach me, Mother!

This afternoon I phoned Daddy about the back brace. He said that he will take it with him to Indianapolis when he goes Monday. I also mentioned the fact that THE KING AND I is playing in Tipton. And now Daddy has decided to come tomorrow so that we can see that great musical. That's my pop, God love him.

The March issue of LIFE IN THE FOLD arrived today. It is, as always, of great interest to me. Am hoping to hear from Mere Michelle soon with hot news from France. Of course, I realize that the important thing right now for me is patience. And what better time to learn than during the sacred Lenten season, from the suffering, patient, loving Christ? Passion of Christ, strengthen me!

Linda Fishback washed and set my hair and helped me with my bath tonight. Since I am not playing our record player during Lent, SHE played a record for me. Sneaks!

March 25, 1962

Feast Of the Annunciation

Happy Feast day, Mother! And a happy, happy one you have made it for me. I really don't know how to thank you for it, so I'll just say that I love you dearly. That says everything. Love.

Don't really know where to begin. Holy Mass was more beautiful than ever this morning. I could well imagine your joy when He came again, this time in a little white host, waiting for us to say Fiat so that He might dwell within our hearts. Precious hope. God is with us!

We were chatting in Sister Eugenia's office after Benediction this afternoon when someone said that Julie was downstairs. But by the time I got out of the office, she had been to our room and come after me. With her was Velma Tanzilli, one of the Charlies that attended our day of recollection last Wednesday.

It was such a pleasure to see them again, and we went to my room for what I thought would be another of those ever-LOVING discussion periods but was I ever fooled!

We giggled a little while about the ad I cut from last week's Time Magazine. I had it lying on my bookcase and Julie noticed it when she came here the first time looking for me. It was an automobile advertisement that read: ALWAYS HAVE AT LEAST ONE FIAT, the ad du jour.

Julie asked me many times what I had said to St. Therese when I got to hold her relic last Wednesday. I had spoken of so many things to our dear Little Flower that I couldn't be specific in a reply because we had discussed many things.

Finally Velma put her arm around me and asked me if I would consider living with her this summer and I asked her to repeat herself. It was such a shock, and the remaining coaxings were too good to be true. I'd be living with the Charlies, for her husband Leo belongs to the men's fraternity. I might even attend daily Mass. She showed me pictures of her husband, her two girls and their lovely home. Julie mentioned that two months ago Velma was cleaning out a little back room and wondering what she would use it for. She said that now she knows. I found it almost too wonderful to believe, and when I saw that it was really true, I could only hug her and cry. I told her that I have little to offer but my love and prayers. She will accept these and told me that she really needs me. I was never told before that I was needed. Mother, it is truly a good feeling, for somehow I believed her. Although I know so very little about her I love her so much. Of course, I could give no answer till I spoke with Daddy this afternoon.

Daddy came about four. He had changed his mind about going to town to THE KING AND I, for he can't stand musicals. I mentioned the events of the afternoon to him soon after his arrival, and we discussed the plans during the visit. Everything is AOK! And I am thrilled.

Daddy took our "bumpers" tonight before he left for Indianapolis. He will try to get them fixed at the brace shop tomorrow.

Mother, I could go on and on, telling you about the holy cards Julie wrote in our new Missal, about the two pictures she gave me of the Charlies, of so very much that has filled my heart to the brim with happiness. But the hour is late and I must retire. Deo gratias!

Monday, March 26

After rosary last night Sister Eugenia came down to see what I was all a-tingle about. I had mentioned that I had news but it must wait till I had consulted Daddy. Well, I nearly burst, but I kept it secret all day. She rejoiced with me, understanding as she does just how much this will mean to me, and what a grand family life I shall participate in. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, I love you!

The events of the day were certainly not conducive to sleep, and the absence of the bumpers even less so. So two to four were the only hours I really rested. It really showed today, for I wasn't much count. Little do we realize just how important our rest is until we're denied it. I just played Myriam's MY FAIR LADY soundtrack and let the happiness perk. Deo gratias! Never let me forget to thank Him for all things, such joys as He has lavished upon me, and the opportunities to follow this Way of the Cross, His way home.

Because Daddy had taken the bumpers, I stayed in our room this morning to work on the statements. But I fell asleep and awoke when Daddy returned the bumpers. Although I was quite dopey, I knew enough to hear that Daddy finally got a job with the state. Thank you, Mother, for your loving care! This will be much better for his health, I'm sure, and he can now rest at night.

Tuesday, March 27

The hour is the latest I have ever tried to write you, 10:45, so it must be a quickie. But so very much has happened that I couldn't possibly leave this go tonight.

Mother Landri will have me to Regina Mundi for a week's retreat. In other words, they are reconsidering. The main objections seem to be the perpetual motion and a speech defect which they think would keep me from singing the Holy Office. We'll show them! This is all I ask, a chance to show them just what I can do.

And now I must prepare for bed, happy in the thought of a pending engagement, something I hold sacred and, unworthy as I am, I beg your help in teaching me to serve my Beloved. 

Thursday, March 29

This morning I was so tired I didn't think I could keep going, but as the day progressed I think nervous energy took over and I'm still going full steam ahead. The excitement will keep me going if nothing else will.

Sister Eugenia came in this afternoon to tell me that Mother had received our tickets in the mail today. We discussed clothes for the trip. This is a problem at such a time of the year. I'll take some summer and winter outfits, and this Saturday I'll probably wear the woolen dress Vivian sent me for Christmas. I plan to take only a spring coat to avoid bulkiness. If it is cold, I doubt that we'll be outside.

Friday, March 30

Mother, I am so eagerly anticipating the trip. I realize that my chances are slim, that they might feel they cannot take me, or I might feel that I don't belong, but I do know that a week's retreat will certainly be a boon to my Lent, and I beg you to stay always at my side, telling me never to lose sight of your Son and His Holy Will. Dear Mother, I need some very special care this week. And I love you. Queen of the World, smile upon even this wretched soul and teach it the art of Loving God, of serving Him continually, of knowing that whatever may happen is for the honor of Him and the good of my poor soul.

Sunday, April 8

It has been so very long since I last wrote, but it was even nicer to keep in touch by telephone, person to person during the eight day retreat at Regina Mundi Priory. Thank you, my Mother dear, for such a wonderful opportunity.

Father Keith was here for dinner Saturday, the 31^st, and we then left for Indianapolis in dear little Charlie. Father took me to his cousin's and, after a little visit there, Elsie and her husband took me to the airport to board our plane.

A Fr. Dowling met me at the Philadelphia airport and drove me to the Priory. We got there about eleven and were met at the door by two of the Sisters. They took me to the cloister to the room I was to occupy and I finally assured them that I could manage from there. There was a little cot in the corner that I thought I'd try for the night, but when I tried sitting in the corner it slid and I found myself on the floor, where I knelt and slept soundly for the remainder of the night. The next day Sister put the mattress on the floor for me and it worked just fine.

The time went very quickly, for our days were very well filled with prayer and work, as true Benedictines. The Sisters rose at 6:20 A.M., I at 5:30. Lauds was at 7:00, followed by Holy Mass. Then Breakfast and immediately after that Prime, a half hour of mental prayer and Tierce. There was free time then till Sext, during which the Sisters had me folding or writing things for them. Dinner was served after Sext, after which I took a little nap. At 3:15 we had None. We were served cookies and tea at 4:45, and then Vespers were sung at 5:00. Then I was usually in my room till time for Mental Prayer at 7:00, and then supper at 7:30. After supper it was getting rather late, and I began to get ready for bed and retired at 9:00. The days were very well arranged and served to grant me much rest, which I needed so badly. And I can truly say that I felt much better because of it.

Sunday afternoon, after Vespers, I had occasion to speak with Mother Landri, someone whose very appearance demands respect and love at once. She speaks English very well, unable to hide that rich French accent behind her excellent vocabulary. Our conversation was rather brief, centering mostly around my family situation. She came to my room Tuesday evening, and it was then that I asked her if I might stay and again received a negative answer, with insistence that my vocation is to be a secular oblate. I was given the book of rules for the Oblature then. Thursday Mother spoke to me more thoroughly on the oblates, and she also suggested that she might be able to place me in that area to work in one of the institutes for my room and board and to be near the Sisters always. I told her how I loved the Sisters, but I was still undecided and wished to speak with Father Keith before giving her any definite answer. She also came in this morning to bid me farewell, permitting me to take the book of rules with me to show Father. And I kissed her goodbye after None, telling her I'd let her know my decision soon.

During the little spare time there was, I did some great spiritual reading. Father Keith had given me the Jesus-Caritas booklet on Friendship right before I left. I also brought THE ASCENT TO MOUNT CARMEL that Velma had given me, and smacked my lips in thorough enjoyment of the mystical theology of St. John of the Cross. Also Mother Landri gave me JOY OUT OF SORROW to read. This is a collection of talks by their Very Reverend Mother General, and it is terrific.

Today came all too soon and it was time to leave. And this wasn't done without a tear. Because Father Dowling wasn't able to take me to the airport tonight, Sister Dorothy took me in the Sisters' station wagon. On the way to the airport she told me of some of the distinguished visitors who had been received at Regina Mundi, including Karen Killilea, whose story I have read so very many times. Her parents founded the Cerebral Palsy Foundation and her Mother wrote the book KAREN.

Father Keith's cousin met me in Indianapolis, for Father had been tied up at a meeting. He was at their home when we got there and I got into Charlie [Father Keith's car] immediately, for the hour was late.

On the way home it took only a few words from Father to clear up a very confusing situation for me, He simply said that if I am to be an oblate I may belong to the Charles de Foucauld organization, which is close to here in his parish. When I admitted that this is how I felt about it but that I didn't know God's Will for me, which is the only thing that really counts. Father said that unless God shows us otherwise, He is leading us on the path of our choice. And now, Mother, I have decided that this is the thing to do. I must write to Mother Landri, and though I love her and the others so, I must explain the reasons why I do not choose to be an Oblate of the Sisters of Jesus Crucified. Help me please, my precious Mother, to see and accomplish only His Will, completely ignoring the "objects of our desires" as St. John of the Cross has said. Fiat!

Tuesday, April 10

The April bulletin board is finally finished. I couldn't go to sleep immediately last night so worked on that. In the center is the victorious Lamb of God in honor of the magnificent feast of Easter, which isn't two weeks away.

I wrote letters to Velma and Julie today, then went down rather early to make a visit before Confessions at 3:15. Before Father Keith entered the confessional he told me that the Charlie priest from Canada, Fr. LeClerc, would see me after he had completed his office, around four o'clock. When he left chapel, I followed and we went to chat in the art room. It wasn't long till Father Keith joined us, and we had a beautiful conversation about Charlie. I am very happy, Mother dear, that I got to meet this great priest, prospective superior of Father Keith, and that he gave me a special mission to be performed just for Charlie. I am to back Father Keith with my prayers and sacrifices, and I am so happy because now I feel that I too can take part in this tremendous movement. I believe that the prospects are illimitable for the future, and I beg your aid for all those who are striving to live the ideals of Brother Charles of Jesus. Please be their LOVING Mother.

Before I bid Father Keith farewell, he asked me if I planned to renew my vows this Easter. I have anxiously anticipated that great day, and Father said that he'd try to find someone to bring me a copy of SEEDS IN THE DESERT so that I may reread the chapters on Poverty, Chastity and Love, and Obedience. Hope that someone is Julie or Velma, for I always anticipate their visits.

Goodnight now, my Mother dear. Please grant that I may one day have even a Charlie heart, filled to the brim with LOVE and surmounted by the Cross of my Beloved, the Cross that I beg to carry worthily.

Friday, April 13

Please be patient with the excited babble of your child this evening. Yes, Mother, I'm like Dumbo, floating around there, way up there. Must be pretty close to the little golden door that leads to heaven.

I'm sure that you forgave the interruption in our rosary this afternoon. After all, you are my Mother and you're really the only one who thoroughly understands me. But Julie walked in, together with another Charlie, Pat. Yes, it's just as Julie said. They're ALL as wonderful as the first ones I met. Seems impossible but it's true. Pat needs lots of help on some family problems, Mother, so please lift the load from her shoulder for a little while and place it on mine. Let me be her Simon. Only give me strength to carry His Cross, to love it because I love Him.

Saw Father Keith after supper and told him about spending Easter in Elwood. Guess that was the first time he was 1eft in the dark concerning the plans, for he seemed to know nothing about it. He handed me a poem written by the man who came to Indianapolis with him to get me last Sunday night. It refers to the terrible rain and wind we battled all the way home.

Yes, Mother, it does seem like conceit to include this in my letters to you, and yet I realize what a tremendous obligation I must have with all else God has given me. Please teach me to reflect God to all I meet. Let them not see me for myself, but for Him who loves within my heart.

And so Mother, before I go to bed, let me kiss your maternal lips and tell you how grateful for your Tender Loving Care I am. And although in today's Liturgy you stand there suffering with your Son, you still caress me tenderly as He proclaims all of us your true children. Let me also, even in intense suffering, turn my concerns to those around me and LOVE them because Christ is there.

Saturday, April 14

Just couldn't seem to get going today. My friend fatigue accompanied me everywhere. I shall have to rest more, as I did on retreat, for I can see just what that did for me.

I changed my room this afternoon, just like it was before. It is a little less convenient, but new scenery is helpful in other ways, especially at this season of the year.

Got a letter written to Mother this afternoon, for I probably won't get to write anyone tomorrow. Cheated a little in my resolution not to use the record player during Lent, for I felt so bad I needed something to perk me up enough to get everything accomplished I had to do. Just spoke to Father Keith on the phone about tomorrow's plans. He, or someone, will pick me up at the side door at 7:30. And I shall meet the other members of our little family tree. Am quite excited, and just know I'll love them.

Sunday, April 15

0 mother! Everything was wonderful today. Thank you for your care in bringing this all about for you do know just what we need. And you know how I need the Tanzilli's.

Father Keith hadn't mentioned to them that I was coming today. They took me from Church to their lovely home, or may I say OUR lovely home? Mother, it's beautiful. It wasn't built for a wheelchair and there are some pretty tight squeezes, but we'll get things worked out fine. Leo plans to build a little ramp to get me on the porch from the sidewalk.

We had a nice breakfast and afterwards chatted a little while. How I love all of them! The girls, LuAnn and Carolyn, are darling and couldn't stop showering me with love and kisses. Such a beautiful family I have. Help me to give myself to them as they have given this happiness to me.

Well, Mother dear, I am so very tired today. Right now the record player is playing "I Could Have Danced All Night" into my happy Dumbo ears, and I think I could dance the way I feel. My heart is dancing with Him. But I must get ready for all the things in store in Dreamland. The Tanzilli's are probably waiting there already. But first please accept this good night kiss from a very tired and happy child. I LOVE you!

Monday, April 16

Please bestow from your treasure house of all God's graces those in which I'm most in need now. Let me no longer value others' opinions as highly as I have in the past. Let me seek only God's Will in all things and let nothing else matter. The servant certainly isn't better than the Master. And when I gaze upon His suffering frame I see that there is no bitterness from which I must desire exemption. I embrace this also, for a Charlie heart must love in the shadow of the Cross.

This has been a long, tiring day. I wrote cards to Julie and Velma and a letter to Mother Landri explaining that I don't feel He wants me as an Oblate. Myriam just finished helping me glue names and addresses on the report card envelopes, and my eyes are drooping to the floor. I'm so tired I'm quite giddy, and Myriam and I had loads of fun tonight. Must call it a day. Bye for this time. I LOVE you, Mother!

Tuesday, April 17

Father encouraged us to make a little retreat, as much as possible, during these days commemorating the passion and death of our Beloved. No other days of the year provide such opportunities for our spiritual growth. But first the seed must DIE, Mother, help me! Fill this poor little Charlie heart with caritas, and let it grow up in the shadow of the Cross.

Spoke with Father after supper. I shall renew the vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience at the Easter vigil! Father Keith will be the celebrant. Mother, help me to give my all, every weakness that keeps me from complete abandonment. Just let me be your little one, and since I no longer possess anything of this world, help me to find at last everything in my Spouse.

There's the "voice of God" now, Mother, so I must get ready for bed. I love you!

Wednesday, April 18

Spent most of the afternoon getting caught up an correspondence.

Father Keith just called. I got shook wondering what was wrong at this time of the night. But he casually stated that the Holy Ghost wanted to know if I would like to go to Lafayette tomorrow. I was a bit confused until he reminded me of the blessing of the oils. 0 Mother, I know not why you are so good to this poor, wretched child. I do know that I love you immeasurably and that I want to use all these gifts you send, crosses and joys, for the glory of my Father in heaven. But alone I can do nothing. Stay at my side. I need your guidance, 0 beautiful Mother!

Wednesday, April 25

Such a merry-go-round I've been on this past week, dear Mother! Have I taken time out to tell you how I love you? Guess I could never forget that, and yet if I don't say it you know it, don't you? Yes, I loved you in your suffering and your joy in the cycle we have just begun; I love you now and I'll always love you because you're my Mother. Deo gratias!

Holy Thursday gave us a very real view of what you saw that night you ate the last Passover with your Jesus. After the services I met the last two Charlies, Ann, who looked tired but happy on her wheels, and Marg, another of those lovers who sees and serves Him in everyone. We held our own breaking of the bread here at Velma's, and never have I felt such an intense union as among those Charlies and myself. We sang to THE Charlie when he entered, happy feastday on the day of lovers. Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.

Father Keith called Good Friday morning and said he'd be down in about an hour to get meditations on the Stations of the Cross for that afternoon. What a character! So very dear to God and so filled with his own ideas, yet always a pupil leaning to us little ones like we might help HIM.

We spent the Three Hours, and then some, in Church that day. And even then were we hesitant in leaving, so well did Father plan the afternoon to bring us with You to the foot of the Cross. Besides the regular services and Stations, there was reading from a book written by a doctor, who is quite capable to understand the physical torture that our divine Savior underwent on Calvary.

When we had been home for a little while, and I was in our room trying to lose nothing of the significance of the scene we had beheld once more at the foot of the Cross, Velma came in with a pot of eight lilies from the Charlies. Now we are watching each beautiful flower bloom to shed its sweet perfume in our Nazareth. Yes, Mother, with Charlie I've at last found Nazareth.

Most of Holy Saturday was spent in preparation for the big events of that night. Sister Frances Cabrini's SEEDS IN THE DESERT proved a booster for me, especially the chapters on poverty, chastity and love, and obedience. And then, before we knew it, the time had come for the beautiful Easter Vigil. Never has it been so impressive. And at the Offertory I could do nothing but let my hands extend as a sign of the complete consecration I was making to my Beloved in the light of renewing the three vows that I had taken for the first time last December 8th. What a JOY it is to have nothing, yet possess all things!

And then came Easter, and its beauty and sunshine must have been a reflection of that morning when your glorious Son came to awake you with His kiss. Regina coeli, laetare! And we rejoice with you because death is conquered. He is risen and we with Him.

Daddy came late that afternoon. Leo says that I described him very well and the whole family loves him, but then who wouldn't? Now he too has seen the beauty I've found here, and I am so happy. We had quite a conversation that evening before he left, and every thing is AOK. As Velma and I have said so often: 'no problem.' Since Daddy didn't care to drive to the Motherhouse for the typewriter, Leo and the girls went with me after he left Sunday night. It is so good to have Anita [her typewriter] here, sort of makes my moving in official.

Thursday, April 26

Lily #6 came out today, and Myrna is truly beautiful, just like all the other Charlies. But The last one, me, is still mighty green. I'll never be able to die that way. Please help this beginner in the art of self-renunciation.

This afternoon I had quite a long nap after Office and rosary. The heat shortened it somewhat, and I can see that these bumpers are going to be really "good for me" this summer. Mine to give? Not really, but mine to thank Him for.

Saturday, April 28

Leo went with Velma and me to Mass this morning, while the girls slept in. St. Peter was amusing in today's epistle when he said to us: You who in times past were not a people, but are now the people of God. Gee, am I ever glad I was finally admitted into the people club!

Julie came later this afternoon and stayed while Velma went to confession. We had a good discussion on convent reform, something that seems to be in dire need these days. Please, Mother, your daughters need your assistance. Please help me to be a good Charlie now so that one day perhaps I can set others aflame with a pulsating Charlie heart, so that I might even take Charlie to the convent with me and help dear Jesus spread the fire of LOVE among all men.

Father Keith came over to make plans with Velma and Leo tonight for tomorrow's CFM meeting that will be held here under their leadership. Father Keith brought with him a priest from Chile. He is a Jesuit who is now on his way to a mission in Canada, and he gave some most enlightening comments on various scripture texts. Father left very late, around midnight, and this little Charlie is quite droopy-eyed.

Before closing, I'd like to tell you what THE PROPHET said concerning pain. I have so very much to learn, and yet this evening when Irene called I tried to tell her things I haven't even mastered. Forgive me, Mother. Ask your Son for the graces I need, for I am so very wretched. And yet I must rely on the Holy Spirit to tell me what to say to those who need them, even though there is so very much for me to learn.

"And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy…Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned on the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

Sunday, April 29

When we arrived at Mass this morning, the First Communicants had just filed into their pews and were singing a little hymn. How precious, how pure, how lovable they were! And how Jesus must have caressed them in the beauty of their little souls! Yes, it gave me opportunity to remember that day of days in my life, when Christ came to me for the first time. Help me to be as pleasing to Him as I was that day, to let no stain mar His beauty in me.

Marg came for a visit this morning. 0 Mother, I am going to ask still more of you, and yet, if not you, to whom may I go? You're my Mother, a mother who listens to the need of all your poor children and who fulfills that need. I love you, and I know that you'll care for us always, and for this reason I come to ask help for my little sister, for a Charlie. Please, Mother, do as you see fit, and remember, we love you.

Marg brought Myrna about noon. This Charlie too needs you; we all do. Myrna lives in poverty, and yet she sees God everywhere around her, in her flowers and especially in her children. She is very quiet, but when she says something it is piercing.

It was difficult to leave home this afternoon, but that too is "good for me." Julie came with Velma and me to the Motherhouse. But a flood broke out in my room in a goodbye to Velma. How beautiful are friendships, and how I love all with whom I come in contact!

Monday, April 30

Myriam and I took a walk around the campus this afternoon. Mother, your Fatima shrine is lovely with all the tiny flowers at your feet. And what was I doing there to mar the scene? Please make me a very tiny little one that can look up and see your face, that can sing its love for you without even being seen, that can spread the perfume of love of you without even being recognized.

Sent Velma a card today. Yes, it is a painful yet grand feeling to be homesick.

Tuesday, May 1

Feast of St. Joseph the Workman

This begins your month, dear Mother, and for this reason I delight especially when May with its springtime and flowers skips our way. And I wish to skip your way, gathering only the most beautiful of all the posies as I go. Then at the end of each day I can lay them in all their fragrance at your feet. Will you accept this humble tribute of my love? And yet I know the answer to that, and I beg you to accept me, for I am your child.

St. Joseph's Mass this morning was beautiful as only our dear Sisters of St. Joseph could make it. And I felt that Charlie too must have been rejoicing with us on the feast of the carpenter of Nazareth, he who taught the Creator of the universe how to use a saw. And then I thought of all the poor people, living under the terror of atheistic Communism, who were forced to sing praises today to this death to which they are brutally subjected. Mother, they are your children too, they are my poor brothers and sisters. I love them and beg you to kiss their wounds and heal them.

Wednesday, May 2

Julie told us the other day that Father wants us to peruse the tenth issue of JESUS+CARITAS and be prepared to speak on anything we wish at the next meeting. So this afternoon I found this little gem from a letter of Pere de Foucauld to his friend Henry de Castries, the 14th of August, 1901:

"...Immediately as I believed that there was a God, I knew I could not do otherwise than to live only for him: my religious vocation dates from the same hour as my faith--God is so great and there is such a difference between God and everything that is not he!"

Got to help SME in the supply room this afternoon. She is such fun to be with, and I pray that I may heal any wounds I may have caused her. I do love her very much and never want her to feel otherwise. And I need her friendship.

Today's mail brought a happy surprise, a letter from Father Lucien. Father asked if there is any progress report on the new book. You know, Mother, I had given up the whole idea a couple weeks ago. It was tearing me to pieces to relive all those earlier tragedies, and also to find a way of telling things without hurting some, like Mother. Yet Father Lucien's letter has boosted the project in the running again, but this evening I considered an entirely different approach. Why not have something in letter form? That way no one would be hurt. It may be a little more difficult to convey the entire message, but it's about the only way out. And besides, you know how I love to write letters! Please, Mother, show me if this is what my Beloved desires. If so, I shall do it without another hesitation. And with your help, I shall show the world the love with which Christ caresses even this poor little one.

Friday, May 3

It was simply impossible to write last night, and even now the hour is very late. However, I feel this need to communicate this to you in these silly but sincere letters. My confidence that you will read them, silly as they may seem, and that you will give your poor little one all she needs to learn to LOVE, knows no bounds, CAR VOUS ETES MA MERE!

Yesterday evening, during Holy Hour, I was literally kidnapped from the Motherhouse by Julie. We went to the car where Leo, Carolyn, and LuAnn were waiting, and all our belongings that were to go were in the car, so off we went to HOME.

Velma and I went to the hospital chapel for the Charlies' Holy Hour there. This was the most beautiful hour I have spent with my Beloved. All lights were extinguished, and there we were to sit and listen to His soft whispers for an entire hour. And you were there, my beautiful Queen and Mother, and there I crowned you Queen of the Charlies with a diadem of the only thing with which I could form a crown for YOU--Caritas.

At today's eight o'clock Mass we had the opening of Forty Hours for our parish. I always consider this devotion a great means of uniting a parish. Please, Dear Mother, unite OUR parish in LOVE. Yes, Mother, I feel it's mine also, just as here in my home. Never have I spoken thus before, but at last I find a true home. Thank you, 0 Mother of orphans. How you love even us poor little ones. Enough to adopt us into your happy home at Nazareth!

Saturday, May 4

Today was a mighty rough one to get through, Mother. And I am most grateful for all the special little pushes you gave me. I know not where this excessive fatigue and pain come from, but I pray that you might show me all the opportunities that come with them. Show me how the Divine Lover acted under these circumstances and I too will, unconditioned as I am to pray worthily during such periods, simply delight to remain in the silence and love of His burning Heart.

Sunday, May 6

Just noticed that these dates are a day off. I didn't write you Thursday night, but put Thursday's date on Friday's letter. Another boo-boo, and yet these days go so fast that they all run together sometimes.

Last night was mighty rough, and this poor little child of yours was too fatigued to sleep. Not complaining, Mother dear. Just want to tell you about it so that you will obtain for me the strength and love to bear all things for my Beloved.

Here I am back at dear SJA once again, and yet it gets more and more difficult to leave home. Jesus must have felt thus in leaving His little shop to travel the rough and worldly roads of men. He did so to spread the fire of love among men. And for this reason I shall go wherever He wishes still to love His little ones. I shall be His littlest Charlie. Please, Mother, help me!

Wednesday, May 9

Father Keith came this morning before I was ready, so there was some wild goings-on before I got into Charlie. We were then off, as usual, with some great chats and experiences that make going to the clinic a treat. Biggest problem at the clinic was no complaints, but I dug and finally came up with the constipation. I would have to think of that. Now it's prune juice, or some other, with every meal.

When we got home Velma greeted me with some big news, a new roommate. Her grandmother just moved in this afternoon. She had been dismissed from the hospital and was so broken up about going to a nursing home that Velma couldn't let it happen. She is completely bedfast with arthritis, and her sight and hearing are bad, but she's the sweetest, wittiest lady of her age I've ever met.

Velma knew nothing about this new member till this morning, so everything's in an uproar. The desk and things were moved from our room to make room for Grandma Booth's hospital bed, and she was brought her by ambulance shortly after I got here this afternoon.

Daddy called just as we were finishing supper and said he'd be here in about five minutes. His job brought him here for the night. He brought me a big French-English dictionary--Father Keith just gave me a little one today. He couldn't get the picture of Mother for my birthday, but may get it later. Of course, those maybe's are sometimes as bad as no's.

Tonight I am very tired and happy. Happy just to be home, and even happy to have said that I was homesick for the first time in my life. It's a beautiful pain, Mother. Thank you for it, and thank you for being my beautiful Mother. And please keep this poor little Charlie heart. It needs you and loves you very much.

Thursday, May 10 (20^th birthday!)

Saw Father Keith after Mass and got to go to Confession. Instructions: Begin on these next twenty years. They're important! Yes, Mother, every precious little second is important. But how can a poor little child like I use them as I should. I can't! Mother, please, I need your guidance. But with you with me I can do whatever my Beloved desires to do with me. "Set thyself as a seal upon my heart, that in thee and through thee I may be found faithful to God." Yes, this is the third anniversary of my Total Consecration to you. I am your slave, but most of all I am your little child. You are my Mother, and I LOVE you.

Thanks loads for the big birthday present: a Catholic roommate. This is grand, and that Velma wastes no time, does she? Grandma Booth has been so afraid to die, and today she was feeling very bad. Velma asked her if she would like Father to minister the same help he gives Catholics when they are really sick. And she even agreed to become a Catholic! So Father Keith baptized her conditionally this evening and administered the Sacrament of Extreme Unction. This is beautiful, and she has even expressed a desire to receive Holy Communion when Father brings it tomorrow. What is there to say but Deo gratias? Be kind to your new and beautiful child, Mother.

We had a Charlie birthday party tonight. Anything in that category is so extra special, and it was the most beautiful party I've ever attended. Pat came first with a white heart-shaped cake with a red cross in the center. Hated to see that cut. Then came Mary Joan and Marg.

After a while, I decided to sit on the floor, so when the cake and coffee were brought in everyone else got on the floor. It was such fun to feel so much a part of everything, even sitting like everyone else. And I simply beg for the grace to live up to all the Charlies expect of me. Please, Mother, I need you to help me.

Julie came later and stayed a few minutes. The party didn't break up till midnight, and even then I was ready for twice as much. And we were so very privileged to have THE Charlie with us [Fr. Keith], his dangly legs sticking out from under the table and his haircut receiving its uncomplimentary compliments from his little sisters. Never have I known a more beautiful birthday celebration!

Yes, I have lived twenty years, and yet I've so far to go before I attain my Beloved. I begin today to be very little, to be your child.

Friday, May 11

Velma had to stay home this morning to get Grandma ready for her first Communion, so Mary Joan took me to Mass. We stayed afterwards so she could go to Confession. Meanwhile Msgr. Hammes came to talk to me and gave me "A picture of George Washington," a green one, for my birthday.

Father Keith brought Jesus about eleven, and Velma went to Communion with Grandma. What a beautiful thing to witness! Grandma was so very happy, and I am very happy for my roommate.

Saturday, May 12

We were so sorry not to have been able to assist at Holy Mass this morning, but both Velma and I overslept. When I opened my eyes to a clock that read eight already, I made no attempts to rush the dressing. Velma had just got up then. All in all, although it cost us, we both needed the extra sleep. Velma has been going at a rough pace. How I wish I might be of some assistance! We need you here with us, especially at this time. Never leave us alone for a second, Mother. We need your strength.

Velma's enemy--the clock--has been treacherous to her today. Everything was a mess. And at three-thirty she finally felt that it must be lunch time. Her watch had stopped at twelve-thirty. Father Keith came to see Grandma for a few minutes this evening. God love him! He belongs to everyone--but himself. Please give me the strength to grow in his shining example.

Grandma grew very bad this evening, even had a couple convulsions. I took the two scared little girls to the living room to say a decade of the rosary and to have a little discussion on the role death plays in the lives of us all. It seemed to abolish quite a few terrors that are natural to those so young and unmindful of the lot of every one of us.

Tonight is a difficult one for me. It was precisely one year ago that I sat in Stinky's arms and sobbed my heart out for a mother that wasn't there for me to heap my love on that Mother's Day. What an empty feeling overcomes me this time of the year, and how I long to tell mother how I love her! Please tell her for me, my Mother.

Sunday, May 13 Mother's Day

Today is your day, my precious Mother. And what is there to say but I love you? Help me to be a good child, to be little yet full of love.

We returned to SJA this evening about eight. Carolyn came with Velma and me while LuAnn stayed for that short time with Grandma Booth. It gets more and more difficult to leave home with each trip. And Velma has a nasty cold on top of the new responsibility of caring for Grandma. Please, give her strength to fulfill the beautiful tasks of love she performs.

When we got to my room I had to speak to her about returning next weekend. I feel that with all the other work it is just too much for her to have me there too. However, she really wants me to be there for Msgr. Hammes' golden jubilee and Carolyn's birthday, both Sunday. She promised to call me if she felt that it couldn't be managed. Actually, yesterday she told me how she hated to see me leave this week, that she needed me to keep up her morale, to make her laugh in the wake of all the misery, physical and spiritual, of which she is now constantly a part. And this is so little to give but it's all I have. Please, Mother, obtain for me the grace to always spread the joy of God's love on those with whom I come in contact. Let me in some way, although it be invisible even to my own eyes, be of some assistance to my sister Velma, one that is surely very dear to you. Yes, as you, I love her very much. Help me to prove it.

Monday, May 14

In today's mail came a contemporary card from Jimmy and Mother's beautiful picture. How I love it!

Daddy got here about four this afternoon, right when I was in the middle of a packing mess. I waited ten minutes for him to say something about Mother's picture, which I had sitting on the record player, but there was no recognition. He found it hard to believe it was she even after I told him.

I wanted so badly to get my hair washed and set a little this evening, but there was no one who would do it. Guess they were too excited about the new Palladium's that came today and look much better loaded with autographs. It is so very difficult to find someone to assist me at this stage. Please give me the humility to keep asking and to keep blessing even the negative responses. This is so very hard for your weak little child. Teach me, Mother, your beautiful humility.

0 Mother! With what may I crown you? Nothing. Take my nothingness and hide it beneath your splendor. Let me simply hide there and remain little, unseen, happy because I am yours.

Tuesday, May 15

Thank you, Mother, for such a beautiful day. It seemed that all nature had a share in your coronation. Although I couldn't take part in the girls' vigil last night, I'm sure you accepted the rest I offered you for the same intention. After all, sleep is hard to come by sometimes. So I took advantage of our free morning by resting, and I slept till eleven, then hurried outside not to miss any of the wonderful time you had in store for us. I just couldn't shirk the pain in my neck and head but had loads of fun in spite of it, or shall I say because of it, for it too was a part of the diadem which we placed on your head.

Once again we have crowned thee. Be Queen of our Charlie hearts forever, for we love you!

Wednesday, May 16

Received a letter today from Mother Michael. It is always such a pleasure to hear from her. As for any news, there is none at present. Same advice, be patient. 0 Mother, will your poor little child ever learn this lesson? Please teach me. I shall try much harder to heed this lesson. Forgive me for all my failures in this practice and let me find this gem also to study in your crown.

After supper, Sister Josephine took me into the Holy Family Gift Shop. I went there to get a little gift for Carolyn's birthday but ended up with several other gifts also. Got Carolyn a little school purse. Then Sister just let me look around. There I saw a darling pair of little angels kissing each other and I had to have it for Velma. When we had gone further I spied a pair of pink elephant salt and pepper shakers, and I just couldn't pass that up. Thought I was finished when I spied a little rosary and case for my little girlfriend Theresa, then told Sister to rush me out before anything else caught my eye.

Thursday, May 17

This was the night of the alumni banquet and dance. Dinner was served in the boarders' dining room at six-thirty. It was quite embarrassing to see that after I paid off my personal account with Sister Madonna this morning I hadn't anything left to buy a dinner ticket. I just didn't know what to do, so I thought of asking to borrow a little cash from Mrs. Ryan. She said that she had intended to give me something for my birthday but found I had gone to Elwood that weekend, so she gave me $2.50 to take care of my ticket and dues. God love her! She is always so very kind to me. But I sincerely wish that Daddy would give me a little weekly allowance to take care of these things that pop up all the time. Perhaps I can talk to him about it. With no income, I'm really in a fix when it comes to these surprise expenses.

The other night when I got those little gifts in our Holy Family Gift shop, I completely forgot about the banquet. But then I think that showing my love for others in those silly little ways isn't contrary to my vow of poverty. Please show me if it is. I shall try to be a bit more prudent in balancing my budget. Will you help me, Mother?

Friday, May 18

Home again! And after quite a struggle with--me. Yesterday evening I called Velma about Grandma Booth and found that she was very bad. Then I told Velma that we'd better call off the weekend, but she wouldn't do it. I wanted so very much to come, and yet to do anything to harm Velma's health would hurt me deeply. I love her so, Mother. You know that. And even I know that God has brought us together for His reasons and thank Him. I sincerely believe that He has planned for me to come here this summer. Please obtain for me the confidence necessary for me in fulfilling all His plans without concern for the future. And now after talking things over with Velma and Leo--'no problems.' I dearly love my home and thank you continuously for your solicitude in seeing how much I was in need of precisely this. 0 Mother, who is like you? Let me always be your little one.

After a wild night--a wild cold. I'm truly a big drip today. And yet you even love drips. And I love you, my Mother, and beg you to teach me what my Beloved wishes me to know so that I may grow in His most Sacred Heart.

Julie and Theresa came over shortly after we got home this afternoon. We had a good Charlie visit. Gave Julie her pink elephants and Theresa her little rosary purse. Then when Leo got home this evening he and Velma opened the kissing angels. And they now have the honorary position of kissing on the mantle. Such nuts! Kiss-yous. This evening we just sang a few of our favorites at the piano. And it is just grand to be home! Goodnight, Mother, and I love you.

Sunday, May 20

What a day this has been. WOW! Anyway, guess we're still in one piece. I went to ten o'clock Mass this Morning. Mother Gerard and several of the Sisters were there. The church was decorated beautifully. Msgr. Hammes gave his own sermon, and it was a dilly, in regard to length and content. He is such a darling.

After Mass he was being greeted by the parishioners in front of church. I went up to him to express my happiness for him. He said he bet I wanted to kiss him, and with that he kissed ME. It was so cute, and I greatly admire that little Santa.

When we got home late this afternoon Velma told me of the talk she had had with Sister Delores. She is seriously against my being with Velma and even plans to talk with Mother Gerard about the situation of Grandma Booth's being at home now. 0 Mother, don't let me do the wrong thing. Don't let me hurt anyone in any way. How I love my new home, and yet if it is God's Will that I not have it, make this little child strong enough to say Fiat. Just show me what to do, and I shall run to it with no pause to look at that which is so beautiful to my weak eye.

I shan't go to our house this weekend, for Velma will probably be doing spring housecleaning. Two weeks seems so very long to wait, and yet what I'm waiting for is worth any amount of pain. And Velma told me before she left this evening that I must not worry about anything, that I AM coming home this summer and that we shall mount each hurdle together. This pain, this is true love. And as I gaze upon my pierced Beloved, I see it.

Thursday, May 24

Yesterday evening Myriam and I took a walk to pray the rosary at your Fatima shrine, and I lost the little white rosary that is such a favorite of mine. Whether on the walk or afterwards I don't know. Please help me find it, Mother. Many are the times you and I have spent together with it and I guess you might say I have a sentimental attachment to it. If this attachment is too great, however, it is good that I lost it. We walked over the same grounds this evening but didn't find it.

Sunday, May 27

After dinner, Daddy and I played Scrabble for the first time in ages. Guess who won. One of these days I'll have to let him beat the socks off me so he'll continue to play the game. Ethel came down for a visit. She is quite enthused about going to Boys' Town for Jim's graduation a week from today. Aunt Vi and Louise are going too. Truly wish I could, but the trip is terrific and maybe that's the Boss's way of saying no go. Right?

Tuesday, May 29

Today was a very busy day, what with office work and cleaning my room. But finally the long awaited moment came, and there was Julie to take me HOME. What a happy moment. We loaded Uncle George and were OFF, literally. We phoned the convent at St. John's to see if we might see Sister Maria Goretti but she was out at the time, and besides Sister Concepta wasn't too crazy about the idea. After all, that fanatic Julie Barrett was bringing me! Wow, what a character. Seems that everyone's scared that some of her Charlie-ness will rub off. And to tell the truth, it does, thank God. And it's not as bad as it seems, cause when you become a nut too you know then how nice it is to be one. Wish everybody was a kiss-you.

Velma had asked Julie to get me here about four. So we whiled away the time at Pat's. That was such a treat. Pat's "Little Guy" was such a darling, and Julie went home to get Theresa. We took several pictures and had a grand visit. We got home about six.

What a grand feeling: home for real. True, I'll be going to Tipton for the weekend and to Fowler the weekend after that, but that's just like a little jaunt that always ends up where my heart shall always be, HOME. What a beautiful word, and thank you, Mother, for helping me to broaden my vocabulary to such a beautiful extent.

Thursday, May 31

What a beautiful Charlie day this has been. The feast of the Ascension and also of your Queenship. 0 Mary, my Queen and my Mother, remember that I am yours. Keep me and guard me as your property and possession! Let me realize that He has gone to His Father so that He might come to me in a much more intimate union than He came to you at the Annunciation. Let me hold Him as you held Him in every Communion that passed your sweet lips. Let me realize that He is giving Himself to me, to be with me always, to act not upon me but in and through me. Let me not search the sky till I can no longer find Him here within. Let Him become more and more real to me. Pray for me, Mother!

My "little mother" couldn't come to our holy hour with the Charlies tonight. However, the holy hour was offered for Velma, and I couldn't have given her a more beautiful one. The Holy Ghost was talking almost above a whisper, but then look at the tools he had to employ on this "very large" day. We then gathered here at home. Father Keith came over for a little while, and we were so very privileged to have him. Thank you for giving us your Son in THE Charlie, our own little brother.

Our meeting broke up at 1:15 A.M., so I'd better go you know where. Sometimes I forget an important thing called sleep but tonight I was so enthralled about our holy hour, etc., that it took a while to get unwound.

Sunday, June 3

We have had quite a weekend and I wish to thank you, Mother, for just everything. The vocation workshop at SJA was wonderful. I went feeling that I would probably get not much from it, but I left with an entirely different opinion. Not that I hadn't seen enough to know how a Sister lives, but with Father's talks and the periods of silence we kept the Holy Spirit had ample room to do his work. He must have been working overtime.

We got to attend Holy Office with the Sisters before Mass in the morning. Charges were given to the girls after breakfast to teach them that work is an important factor in any convent and also to show them the need for doing things together. Since I was on no specific group, I asked Sister Maria Goretti for the assignment of going to chapel during that time and she thought that an excellent idea. Then Saturday afternoon I was compelled to rest because of the great fatigue that was pressing upon me. It really gets me every once in a while.

Father told me that if I retired at a reasonable hour we could make our holy hour from five to six the next morning. Well, I really did obey that one and got to sleep by ten. Now, don't start getting to proud of me, for Sister Maria Goretti came in at eleven and, well….Sister wanted to be sure that I could open the front door for Father the next morning and that I could get there without rousing everyone else. I kept assuring her that I would do so quietly, but we kept going off on tangents, and she stayed till one-fifteen. That was mighty late, but I am most happy that she did.

Father and I got along fine at the door. He was there only a few minutes after five. I unlocked the door and he opened it. We had a very beautiful Holy Hour together. I tried to pray often for Jimmy today, that the Holy Spirit will be permitted to guide him always, especially in the big steps he is required to take now.

After dinner tonight the girls went star gazing with Leo and Velma and I sang THE SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT (that's you) and many other of our favorite songs from Walt Disney's book. It is such a wonderful thing to sing together, to find the riches that are hidden in so many of those songs, to sit there and speak to each other without the necessity of words, and to feel the flutter of a Dove hovering over us and OUR family.

Monday, June 4

Today was a really mixed up one, to say the least. I typed a lot of French vocabulary and yet that was the last thing I wanted to do. Just couldn't seem to get into the swing of things.

At Mass this morning Pat gave me the Litany of Humility which I've wanted ever since I saw it in Julie's missal. Now, Mother, here's another request from your little one. I know that I ask for so very many things, but I have no one to turn to but you, whom I love so much. And if I should ask for anything that I may not have, just help me to utter your FIAT without trying to reason it out. Yes, even in this request that I might learn meekness and humility. What Father Keith told me the other day about confidence certainly applies to this also. But can I learn to desire to have even a poverty of these virtues, of clinging entirely to Him, desiring not even the possession of confidence or humility except what He wishes to give me? I can, but only with your help. Please, Mother, I need you to help me to empty myself entirely so that, like you, I may bear Christ.

Got our June bulletin board done today and now we have the Sacred Heart there to remind us of the love of my Spouse. And yet I am incapable of loving Him in return without His graces. Mother, beg of these for me. Let me love as you love, as He loves, as you love each other. We are awaiting the Spirit of Love. Help me empty myself so as to make room for Him. Come, Holy Ghost!

Tuesday, June 5

When I awoke this morning, Our Father was watering the flowers. That was His way of saying that I might give Him more by not going to Mass. But my guardian angel went with Velma to give God my day and to bring Him home to me.

Julie called to ask me to get a card written to Mary Joan from the Charlies. It was that really good one that read: Don't just lay there and be sick--contemplate something! She picked it up later and also brought a letter from Mother that had been sent to Tipton. I've really neglected writing to her and MUST get a letter out there soon. She already thinks I'm ill. Please help me not to be so negligent again.

This afternoon I began the daily lessons I'll be having with Carolyn. Please grant me the grace to perform this privilege as you would do it, with your patience, understanding and love. To offset any hard feelings about it, LuAnn and I have a Bible story each morning as a sort of class. And here again, much, much more than with Carolyn, I need your help. Please, Mother, be OUR teacher.

Wednesday, June 6

We DID get to Mass this morning but almost didn't get home because of the rain. I thought it wonderful that I might wait till things dried up a bit so I could have a visit with my Beloved in the most Blessed Sacrament, but when Father Keith asked me to go to Muncie with him at eleven I knew I'd better get ready. We had Leo's raincoat with us, so Theresa and I hid under there while Julie got soaked.

Called Pat this morning and it took her a while to figure out whose voice she heard, for this was the first time we'd talked on the phone. I told her what a distraction Little Guy was in church this morning. He was right in front of me, laughing and waving so much that I wanted to go pick him up. Pat says that it is hard for her to pray in church with so many little ones, but when she does go alone once in a while she dearly appreciates the solitude in which she can speak with God. I suggested that she find God IN them rather than AWAY from them, just as you found Him in your Baby when He cried in the synagogue. Did I say the wrong thing? We'll see.

Thursday, June 7

Julie had called last night and said that she couldn't be here this morning to take me to Mass. She did drop in later to say hi and explained that she plans to alternate taking Ann and me to church every day. It hurts to know that I shall have to miss Mass and Holy Communion so often, but I am happy that Ann is taking my place and pray now for a deeper appreciation of the Holy Sacrifice of which I shall be deprived. Let me not be so narrow-minded as to forget the many times that our Little Brother was deprived of the joy of saying Mass. Can I do this with his strength and abandonment? Yes, IF you will show me how, Mother.

Sunday, June 10

Pentecost

Daddy, Jimmy, and I went to Holy Mass together this morning. Daddy didn't see any tongues of fire descend upon us, and I didn't have my hair singed, but he did come, a little Dove to nestle in the poor abode of my heart. Yes, the door was flung open and Love walked in.

I could hardly wait to see Jimmy Friday, but then when we did meet again he was so very withdrawn and we had absolutely no communication system. It made the entire weekend a difficult one for me.

Yesterday afternoon Daddy took me to see Mrs. Farasey in Pine Village. We have planned this reunion for over a year and at last it was accomplished. Daddy and Jimmy went to the Old Academy Yard (?) in Oxford for about an hour, during which time Mrs. Farasey and I discussed books and spiritual life. When they returned for me, we had just begun looking at pictures from St. John's Crippled Childrens' Hospital, so they had to stay another hour. Time just flew and we realized that it would take many more visits to satisfy us, so we'll just have to get together again soon. Mrs. Farasey gave me many pictures from St. John's, including a beautiful, enlarged classroom scene which is as typical as it could be. I see many familiar little smiles and I realize again and yet again how much they truly are my little brothers and sisters and how I love them.

When we got home this evening Father Keith was here, and that made a perfect end to a beautiful Pentecost. I am very happy being here again and pray that somehow I might repay those I love so.

Monday, June 11

This was a really "off" day, and I do owe my Beloved many, many apologies. Will you please tell my Love of the sorrow that fills my heart and beg His graces and forgiveness for me?

For one thing, Daddy took the brace last night to have it fixed in Indianapolis and didn't return with it till late this afternoon. The pain was quite violent at times, but I fear that I complained much too much. Teach me to suffer alone, and to be happy with everything because I go with God. Let me not diffuse misery, but CHRIST.

Also, Daddy asked me to let Jimmy have our record player for the summer. My vow of poverty seemed to vanish, and I begged to be permitted to keep it for myself. It wasn't just that I had saved all last summer to get it, but also Mother gave me the rest of the money I needed to buy it so that I consider it something she has bought for me. And since it is the only thing that I have which she gave me, it means very much to me, too much as I see by my conduct this afternoon. Although I gave it to Daddy, it wasn't with a very willing heart. Teach me detachment!

Tuesday, June 12

Does He always follow up "off" days with WOWS? Well, that's the best Webster has to offer for today.

Julie rang at 7:30 to let me know that she wouldn't be here because of the cloudy weather. That hurt quite a bit, for I was so anticipating Holy Mass and also a visit with Sister Mary Mark, Queenie's sister, all the Charlies, and even Father Keith at the Kiefer's. That was when the Holy Spirit stepped in and made up Velma's mind to take me to Mass. From then on we were going to see what happened, and it really did. After Mass, Julie and Mary Joan took me to the Kiefer's.

Our Charlie was already parked in the drive when we arrived, and Pat and a whole bunch of other Charlies were there. We sat at the kitchen table with coffee and donuts till noon, listening to Father as he sat on a stool like Perry Como and let us write his television speeches for next week's meditations on TV. It was most interesting and very difficult to leave such great company.

Then when we got home Velma met us at the door with news that Father Benedict has just phoned to say that he and two other priests would be here this evening for dinner. I kept wondering if he would mean as much to me as he does to Velma, if he would strike me as someone so very special. Yes, Mother, he is really BEAUTIFUL. I use that freely for lack of a better word, and yet I'm sure you understand. I got to speak to him for only about five minutes, and yet in that little time I grew to dearly love him and he asked if he might be my brother. Ah yes, he IS my brother, and one to whom I shall always feel very close. Please let me be a worthy sister to one whom you must love so much. Go with him on his long journey to Peru and, although I shall probably never see him again, let us always be close together in the Sacred Heart of Christ.

Wednesday, June 13

Mary Joan came to our house for a little visit after Mass this morning and threw the whole schedule off, but that's situation normal. It's always such a treat to see her, for she just about bursts sometimes with love and joy. She gave us a picture of herself and a darling one of Father Keith, both of which had been requested yesterday. Nothing slow about these Charlies.

This evening I made attempts at writing a poem of appreciation to Father Benedict. Although I would like to say so much more to him, I am sure that he will understand. He is such a gem, Mother. Please take good care of my big brother.

Thursday, June 14

0 my beautiful Mother, it is absolutely impossible to express the gratitude that wells within me for this day God has given in His boundless goodness, His Providence. And if I use superlatives so often as to make you laugh, still I know that you'll understand me and take all this joy, that which my heart can hardly contain, and put it into the Sacred Vessel of His Blood to be offered to my heavenly Father.

Velma and I assisted at Monsignor's Golden Jubilee Mass together this morning at eleven. How very impressive were all the ceremonies, and our Most Reverend Bishop gave a lovely talk to us, his children, as he always does. It was on the importance of our priests. Yes, Mother, we do need them, for through them we find your Son. They bring Christ to us, and they are Christs to us. Protect them, dear Mother of His Mystical Body. Bring us the priests we need to bring your Son to all men, but even more importantly, bring us priests in whom we find the love of God. Sanctify them! Bring them caritas ET amor.

After Mass Father O'Neill and I had a pow-wow behind the rectory. (Zis is not supposed to be a z.) I typed that by accident, and Velma told me how to finish the sentence. How I love him and I shall try very hard to write the explanation of suffering which he wishes of me. Of myself, I can do nothing, so I'll try to be flexible and let the Holy Spirit wiggle me for a while. Okay?

Then we were off in a jiffy to Pat's. To tell the truth, I didn't know where I was going when I was thrown in the car. Flexibility? 0 well. Julie, Mary Joan, Pat, Marg, Father Lumbardo and later Father Keith gathered in the back yard. It allowed me a glimpse into another facet of God's eternal Wisdom. And during that time the pain and spasms came quite severely to make the afternoon a perfect one. Yes, I was so very happy, almost beyond duration. Here was I in this heavenly atmosphere, pain gnawing at my back and neck, listening to God's words of wisdom coming from those He loves in such a special way, and I desired during those moments to cry out with all my strength: My God, I love Thee. And I did cry within my inmost being and He heard this poor, wretched creature and loved me!!! Sacred Heart of Jesus, whose mercy knows no bounds, let me stay here forever!

Friday, June 15

Today was something like what we might term normal, but then this kind of day has become slightly abnormal, so I don't know the word for it.

Began that paper for Father O'Neill this morning, using Father Keith's technique of letting the Holy Spirit do the work. I'll try that more often now. I simply sat at the typewriter and began a prayer that said all I would want to convey to anyone in relation to suffering. Sent it to Father this afternoon, along with Fathers' Day cards to Daddy and Father Keith. The latter was custom made for our Charlie by Leo.

Saturday, June 16

0 Mother, take this little heap of burned out incense. This is all I have to offer today. Of great works or profound prayers I was bereft. But here I lay, a wretched sight, and this is my all for God today. The miserable pain continually gnawing at my back and neck would have been unbearable, had you not sustained me. Thank you, Mother. All the tasks I began collapsed, and I lay at God's feet, only pain and complete happiness. Deo gratias!

After Mass this morning Sister Mark pushed me home so that Velma needn't come for me. It was such a pleasure seeing her once again, for her beauty radiates. Julie walked part of the way with us, and she gave me a lovely watch on which I can wait for the blessings that continue to flow to us from God each second we turn our thoughts to Him.

Monday, June 18

We arose early enough this morning to assist at 6:30 Mass so as not to miss Father Keith on TV. He was much, much better than I had expected, taking into consideration the scope of his audience. He spoke beautifully on the Spirit of Love, as the love flows so freely only from his mouth, that wisdom which truly vivifies the presence of the Holy Spirit within him.

Felt pretty bad today with a cold, and this is the time when I come before you in utter poverty, begging you to adorn me with your virtues, so that I might once again rest a weary head upon the throbbing breast of my Spouse.

Tuesday, June 19

Velma overslept this morning, so I sneaked to her door at 6:15 and was very tempted not to waken her. She heard me though, and we got to church just in time.

Father's TV program was on the spirit of Christianity this morning, telling us how to bring Christ more intimately into our daily contacts. And so I've been sneezing Him all over today. The muscle aches of the cold, added to the usual round of challenges, were a difficult hurdle. But I fear I did a poor job of bearing them by letting others know that I felt so bad. Obtain for me the gift of silence like that of a little lamb before its slaughter. Meekness and humility. My shining example, help me to learn these.

Got a note from Father O'Neill this afternoon acknowledging the prayer I sent him by request and telling how God permitted it to come at a time when he sorely needed it. His father had died about three A.M. the morning he received my letter. Mother of Mercy, intercede for him! And relieve the agony this has caused our Father Jim. He has suffered so because of his family. Smile upon him the peace of Christ.

Wednesday, June 20

This 6:30 Mass business is getting ridiculous. Guess it really isn't meant to be. This morning I awoke at 7:00. Velma had gone to Mass and was just returning. But the extra sleep was what I needed to rid me of the cold and I felt loads better today.

After dinner this evening we messed around in the living room a while, then called Julie. What a conversation; it lasted two hours! It seemed that I hadn't talked with Julie like that for a long time, and that conversation was most welcome. I was just dying to find out about her trip with Sister Mark and Queenie to visit the Little Sisters in the multitudes of Chicago. She was developing pictures in the dark room that whole time we talked.

Almost forgot to tell you that Myrna came in this morning for a little while. We were so surprised, and happy, as always, to see a Charlie. They're such a special type of special peoples.

Thursday, June 21

Feast of Corpus Christi

We went to eight o'clock Mass this morning and have decided to do so for the rest of the week. 6:30 is just too early an hour for the time we retire. And it is so much more beautiful to receive Christ during Mass than at the beginning; it makes the Holy Sacrifice much more complete for us.

Father passed me just before Communion, and I asked if I might go to Confession after Mass. He was terrific this morning. I had planned to make it short and sweet so that Velma could get home to care for Grandma. Besides, the procession after Mass had taken quite a while, and one would have to see it before he could believe the humor that followed us all around the aisles. Father Keith saying the Litany of the Saints and swinging the censor, Msgr. Hammes hobbling along with the monstrance, a wheelchair leading the parade. Brother was it a mess! And yet we know He was loving us. And His little ones were loving Him.

Father came to our house a little later to tell me that he and I had been invited to his cousin's home for dinner this evening. He came for me about five. On our way there we made a holy hour, and the ride home was very fruitful. Opportunities for private conferences with him are rare now. Although I had nothing to contribute to the conversation at Elsie's, I feel that the trip was very fruitful, a trip with Christ.

Sunday, June 24

We attended the ten o'clock Mass this morning. It was nice to sleep so much longer, even if we did get such a late start on our day. Didn't God sleep lots on the Sabbath? Well, whatever He did I'm sure He enjoyed it, and we did too. The only regret is that we missed Father Keith's sermon at the eight o'clock Mass, and Leo tells us it was great. So what else is new?

Julie called while I was resting this afternoon. She said Father Jim had phoned her yesterday. He suggests that when she goes to Marion to see her friend I go with her to visit this Mary Catherine Davis with whom he wishes me to correspond. What do you think? If you like the idea, please let me know soon. I am anxious to begin the correspondence Father Jim asks of me, and yet this is difficult with absolutely no knowledge of this girl.

Queenie came for a grand visit this evening, which stretched from the anticipated five minutes to two hours. Poor Dick! So what if Julie didn't tell us much about the Little Sisters? We know everything now. That Queenie is quite a talker, a darling person whom I love very much. O Mother, who is there that I can't say that of? No one, for I love Christ so that all His members are becoming more and more beautiful. AND poor creature that I am, I still beg Him to grant me more of His Caritas--and His Amicitia. This love that I cannot even now contain, teach it to grow till it becomes one with yours, one with Christ's, so that I no longer love any man, but Christ loves all men in me. DEUS MEUS, AMO TE!

Monday, June 25

Queenie called when I was in the tub this afternoon and wanted to know if I might come to her house after our dinner. And you know that I said yes. I can never resist seeing another facet of the beautiful Mystical Body of Christ. I want to love Him in all I meet.

And I do love Him in all these, and in all with whom I might never come in contact. We had a beautiful evening, first with the little ones that Christ loves so, then with Queenie and Dick, who are so beautifully in love with each other. After we walked home, Queenie and I sat in front of our house for some time, simply sharing all things.

Wednesday, June 27

0 Mother, today was, well, WOW! That's all. My day at Pat's was far above my wildest expectations and you know how way out those can get sometimes. We had a grand time with our double-decker hamburgers at lunch time, and I even got to help Pat take peas from their pods. We had some really Charlie discussions of many things, and we even carved a Charlie Heart on the tree in Pat's yard that has shaded so many Charlie get-togethers. We decided that this should happen more often, so I've decided to go home with Pat on Tuesdays after Mass and talk with her while she does her ironing. Sounds grand!

Julie came in for a little bit this evening. Velma has been feeling a little concerned about her spiritual life lately. She slightly forgot that she is having less time for the consolations and learning which she is used to and that she is now employing all the wisdom she has stored within her beautiful Charlie heart. Little did she realize how much we talked of her today, how we were admiring the tremendous advances she has made recently, and how we pray to learn her beauty secrets. And I do think that hearing this from Julie did a lot for her. It seems that when I tell her these same things (and I've told her many times), she appreciates them but thinks that I say them because I love everyone and can see only beauty and no faults. Perhaps this is true in a sense, and I thank God for making His face so clear to me, so clear that perhaps I seem blind to all else at times.

Thursday, June 28

For some reason or other today has been rather difficult. Velma and I were talking this morning, she telling me that she and Leo will take me to Owensboro next month to see my precious Sisters of the Lamb of God. Wouldn't that be great? I love all the Sisters so much and treasure the moments spent at Our Lady of Hope.

But then I noticed the calendar and the fact that I shall be spending only a month and a half more here at home. Now, I know that this utterly ridiculous and very ungrateful on my part to be feeling this way, and I keep telling myself that. But no matter what I say, nothing makes me happy at the prospect of returning to SJA this fall. I know that I shall be oppressed under the same torments that were there when I left. That's the usual Charlie treatment. But then should I not be happy at the persecution? Perhaps that isn't what bothers me most. It's the fact of leaving this beautiful family and all my Charlie friends in Elwood, only twelve miles distant, yet so very far away that I shan't be able to attend even the meetings. 0 sure, I did last year for two times, but the Sisters really were against those long weekends. Mother, this is a tremendous request and yet you who are the treasure house of all God's gifts can surely give it if it be His Holy Will. Ask your divine Son to permit me to stay here even this winter. Please! Yet not my will but His is important. And so I fling myself into your loving arms with boundless confidence and beg you to let me always stay there. I know that you will bring me to where I can best love Him. And no more must I ask, no more do I ask. Only LOVE.

Friday, June 29

We were up quite late last night with a grand visit with Mary Joan, so Velma told me not to set the alarm. It hurt to know that we couldn't attend Holy Mass on the feast of the Sacred Heart, but that in itself was an act of love. It was like a chance to practice this month's intention, which is precisely Obedience to the Holy Spirit.

Velma and I decided to offer the day for each other, and I fear I got the better end of the deal for the day was great. I spent it snuggled in the Sacred Heart of my Beloved.

Julie's mother came this afternoon to give me a haircut. Now I can see again, and others, unfortunately, have to tolerate this funny face with the sunburned nose. Well, it's "good for them," I think.

Velma and I stayed up tonight to watch the Twilight Zone, another weirdy. Such diversions are necessary now and then to help us advance in the little way of perfection. Just sitting there next to her made me feel wonderful, made me sing many thank you's for the proximity of this rare gem. I love her, Mother, and I pray that somehow--although I am but your tiny, helpless child--I might return to her the love she lavishes upon me. Let us love her together, so that my littleness may be absorbed in the splendor of your sanctity.

Saturday, June 30

Julie came for a little while this afternoon. She has had her purse stocked for a month with cigars from the new aunt, so I took one, a pink one, and chewed it all afternoon. It was bubble gum, and I feel fine. Don't think I got cancer. But I am trying to get attention with some serious illness. Got a bad heat rash from the back brace and it seems to be infected. We're trying to diagnose it as leprosy, so I might get sent away any day. That would be a grand apostolate, but I'd miss our Charlie terribly. Guess I like sticking around here after all. If you are wondering about me, well you have a right. But I still love you, so I'll make it.

Sunday, July 1

Leo, the girls and I attended the ten o'clock Mass. Some friend of Father Keith from Tennessee said the mass and Father gave the sermon. In the homily, he delved into a beautiful consideration of our excuses for not being a saint. They look pretty shallow when Father presents them, but when I try to rid myself of them I find them very difficult to conquer. Why am I not a saint NOW? Mother, I CAN be, with your help. But without you I am doomed to failure. Yet I know that you shan't permit this if I but prostrate myself at your feet and beg to be taught the lessons you taught your divine Son. I have not done this often enough, but now I begin again. Mother, dry my tears, ignore my wretchedness and help me learn Christ.

Father Keith and his friend came to our house about three this afternoon to see if I would like to ride to Muncie with them. I was thrilled at the idea of being with Father a little, and it didn't take much twisting of my arm to make me go along. We also discussed my taking the trip to Chicago this July 4th. I know it's a long drive and would probably be very hard on me, but how I desire to meet the Little Sisters, to see their way of life so that I might better imitate it. The thing that drew me back was not the difficulty of the long drive that Father was concerned about, but getting up the four flights of rickety stairs in orders to reach the Little Sisters' apartment. Father says that he and Dick Cleaver can manage that, so now I wait, desiring this trip very much, yet listening for the whisper to which I must say Fiat.

We had to leave Muncie before it got too late. I didn't want Velma to be waiting up for us. Then when we did get home, we found Velma and Leo gone. They didn't get home till about one A.M. From now on, I'll be a night owl with no qualms of conscience.

Monday, July 2

Thank you, Mother, for the lessons you taught me today through your Visitation. Got to go to confession during the first part of the Mass. Guess Father Keith was expecting me, for I had said something yesterday about it. It is always a wonderful thing to go there to that little telephone booth to see what the Holy Spirit has to say. And this morning He told me that I must return to bring the love of Christ to SJA in Tipton, until the time He explicitly directs me otherwise. Yes, Mother, I shall bring Christ there, and pray that I might bring also the joy you brought Elizabeth. Please come with me.

Tuesday, July 3

Velma left me after she had received Holy Communion before the eight o'clock Mass, and I went home with Pat for the day. And it was a truly wonderful visit that Pat and I had together. How I love her, Mother, and how much she must be like you. If only I might learn this secret of success in sanctity. To be like you, in all things, so much so that they might say how beautiful you are when they meet your little daughter. Here I kneel at your feet, begging you to teach me the many lessons I'm so slow to learn.

Although I was having a grand time talking with Pat, there was something else gnawing at my heart all day. The boys were so darling in listening to the stories I read them about St. Therese. Little Guy and I had a ball together. To begin with he acted very bashful each time I said something to him, covering his face with his little hands. Then when it was lunch time, I volunteered to feed him. After three misguided bites, he turned pleading eyes to his mommy, who finished the job a little better. Then we went in the living room on the rug and had a grand time. No wonder God loves little ones so. Let me be thus in His hands. Only His plaything, which He can throw where He wishes and sometime laugh.

All day long I've thought of Velma and missed her so. I don t think I've ever realized I loved her so. And funny thing is that she had the same feeling and expressed it to me this evening. Mother, I feel afraid when I think of returning to Tipton, so far from Velma and the Charlies I love so much. These are a part of me, something that will take pruning to separate me from, and something that will hurt terribly. 0 that I might have strength to bear this!

Wednesday, July 4

Independence Day

This has been a really gone day. And please, Mother, forgive me for all the childish pranks I've pulled.

Velma and I were just going out the door to Holy Mass this morning when the phone rang. And it kept ringing till, lo and behold, Velma found out that she was going to Chicago after all. This whole trip has been so mixed up it's turned into a comedy. So she gulped down her breakfast, Father Keith got a nurse for Grandma, and they were off, just like that. But I gave the group a horrible sendoff. You see, I hadn't given up hope of going myself, silly though it was. And on top of that Julie called to say that she couldn't take me to Mary Joan's as we had planned, and finally we didn't even get to attend Holy Mass, for which I am always eager, especially for Our dear Jesus whom I may bring with me all day, Who gives me strength to say the Fiat in which I am so weak. So when Father walked in the door with the others, I burst out crying. I had tried so very hard to keep it back until they were gone, but I had reached the breaking point. How I wanted to dry off and tell Velma how happy I was that she and the others were going, to send a little message to our dear Little Sisters, to smile and say that since I was unable to make such a long trip I would certainly be with them in spirit, but I could say nothing, not even goodbye. 0 Mother, please rid me of this terrible self-love. Teach me to be completely abandoned, a baby in your arms. And then shall I begin to prove my love. I beg forgiveness for my childishness and strength never to hurt my Beloved or any of His again.

How very much we've missed Velma today. 0 Mother, it scares me to think of leaving her and the Charlies this fall. Fiat, Fiat, Fiat! When shall I learn? Please help this stupid child.

Thursday, July 5

Didn't set the alarm last night, for I knew that Velma would be in too late to attend Mass this morning. It hurts so not to be able to come to you each day, but still I beg you to come to me and through me to all those with whom I come in contact.

It was such a treat to see Velma this morning. I just couldn't hug her enough or finish telling her how I had missed her. And of course I was all ears to hear about the trip. They had six hours with the little Sisters, and they had a grand time, which isn't surprising considering the company. Velma brought out a huge sucker, about 12 inches in diameter. Father Keith had bought it for me on their way home. Nothing could have meant more to me than to know that I was truly thought of, even with all those beautiful souls surrounding him. Although he bought it probably as a compliment to simplicity, I knew that God was showing me something else. Yes, that sucker told me how very far this little baby must go to reach the true childlike simplicity for which I must continue to strive. It showed me that I needed much sweetening to be a suitable morsel for the Christ Child. Mother, teach me to truly be your little one, to prove my love for you.

We had our monthly holy hour and meeting tonight. Please thank God for letting me have so much time to listen to Him. I had so anticipated that hour before Him, since I hadn't had the privilege to receive Him for two days. Pat spoke beautifully on obedience in our session before the holy hour. Yes, the very obedience in which I have failed so often. Perhaps outwardly I've conformed to His requests, but inwardly there has been this terrible rebellion, and anguish. I do want His Will, but my own keeps getting in the way. Mother, just how might I learn to make our wills one? Please tell me! Where is the Fiat I desire to say but can't pronounce? Or is it rather that I shall always have desires contrary to His Will, which the desire to please Him predominates? Mother, please soothe your child. Please take me into your arms and never let me go. And if something hurts, I shall cry on my Mother's shoulder, and be happy you're there.

Friday, July 6

We DID get to Holy Mass this morning. I just couldn't wait to caress our "beloved Lord and Brother" in the Holy Eucharist. And Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament followed. WOW! May I never grow lukewarm in devotion to Christ thus dwelling among us and within us. But may each Holy Mass strengthen my devotion to our Beloved.

Velma and I discussed my feelings about returning to Tipton this fall. I try to say Fiat, Mother but it still hurts to think about it. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel. But then if I want His Will above all else, even if His Will hurts me at times, is this not right? 0 Mother, please teach me the abandonment which I so lack. Will I ever reach the point where His Will and mine are one? If so, what might I suffer for my Beloved to prove my love? Please teach me just what I should be doing in this regard.

Please help me profit by the many mistakes I make every day, and obtain for me the grace of an inexhaustible effort in following Christ each day, a step at a time.

Saturday, July 7

Today I began that very powerful novena to St. Joseph. What is the request? That I might learn to pronounce your Fiat. 0 Mother, I haven't even begun, and I fear that even a lifetime will find me not much further. But nothing is impossible in the inexhaustible love of God, and there is my only hope, and entire assurance. Help this little one who has cast herself at the feet of her Mother. I can barely lisp it now, let alone realize the full significance of what I'm trying to say. Only when I have been saturated with LOVE of God can I begin this death. But I have a Father Who loves me and a Mother who is always guiding me to Him, and I am blind if I cannot rejoice in all this.

Julie called to say that she would take me to church for Confession this afternoon, since Father Keith will be gone for so very long in the next few weeks. I was so happy she had thought of that. How I've missed her lately.

Father Keith made a great telephone today, as always. I found out some alarming news, however. He had been to Tipton recently and talked to a couple Sisters concerning me. Although Mother Gerard would never let me down, the others feel that I no longer belong there. I have become too burdensome to the Sisters and the girls, and also I cannot keep the tight schedule that I must if I work there. Father suggests that I look elsewhere for some place to live. He even asked if the deal at VILLA MARIA in Kokomo still holds. 0 Mother, do you really think that I am to be in an old people's home? Ah yes, love is certainly in demand there as much if not more than elsewhere. But I know not what to think about it. Also Father said that perhaps my trip to Owensboro this month will bring something for me. Please tell me where God wants me, what He wishes of me! All this is so very hard to swallow. Do I really belong anywhere? Let me make my abode in the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Then will I begin to love as I should. Then shall this uncertainty become a magnificent opportunity for me. Then shall I begin to love and to prove it. Then shall I realize that the very Christ I see in all the Charlies I must tear myself from is the same Christ that I must find and love in all those I shall meet, especially the most wretched and those in whom Christ is deeply hidden from our frail eyes and must be found exclusively within our hearts.

For my penance I was told to go home and not to worry. Teach me the complete abandonment needed to accomplish this, and let me live each precious moment here with my family and never forget to thank my Father for it.

Sunday, July 8

Father Keith called before he left this morning, He wanted to say goodbye, and that made me so very happy that he thought of us. 0 Mother, we shall truly miss him while he's gone for this month's preparation for the Charlie retreat. Please guide him so that this will be profitable to him and to all our little sisters who will be attending. He won't be here this weekend, but he will come on all those that follow. Guess you know how I love him. Never can I enumerate the kindnesses he has shown me. But I shall continue to try my best to follow his directives that will lead me only to God, and to somehow return a little part of what I receive through my love and prayers for him.

Tuesday, July 10

Went to Pat's for another grand visit. This means very much to me, Mother, so please thank Him for these opportunities. Each time I get a clearer picture of the beauty hidden in that most humble soul, something which I wouldn't have seen if He hadn't arranged for me to "help Pat with her weekly ironing." Please thank Him for me.

When the boys were taking their naps, Pat invited me to join her in her holy hour. The drapes were drawn, the doors closed and the vigil light lit before the Sacred Heart statue. And we knew that Christ was there with us in a very special way. Because we couldn't go to Him, He deigned in His tremendous love to come to us, to watch one hour with us there, to console and strengthen us in His love. Please, my precious Mother, thank our Beloved for us!

When I got home I almost had myself and Velma convinced that I didn't really miss her as much this week as I longed for her last week. Almost! But as we sat there alone after dinner this evening, tears came to my eyes and a pang to my heart as I thought of leaving home, of leaving this Charlie who has become such a part of me. I do love her, Mother, and although I try not to care, to be completely abandoned to our separation, I do care. Mother, you who knew the tremendous pang to bidding your divine Son farewell, and then on holding His limp cold body at the foot of the Cross, give me the courage to do as He wishes, and nothing else. I love Him! Help me to prove it.

Thursday, July 12

Worked on this month's bulletin board this evening. It is well cluttered with pictures from all our big summer events with the Charlies. What a grand sight to see all those faces staring at me each time I look that direction. 0 how I love them and wish that I might spend more time with them after this summer. And yet, Fiat. For it is Christ Whom I am really loving in them, and wherever I might be sent this fall I beg only that I might never depart from His Eucharistic Presence. Please, Mother, I beg this of you, but only with a Fiat. Help me to become permeated with this, your act of LOVE.

Friday, July 13

We gave Sister Eugenia a whale of a present today for her feast day. Velma and I didn't speak to each other. It was so very hard for me, because it gave me even more to consider the blank future that lies ahead of me. 0 Mother, I try so very hard to leave it to His Providence, but I just can't forget it like that. It keeps popping up, and although I know He is my Father and will most certainly care for His little one, I sometimes feel so lost as concerns His work for me that I simply must spill out all this pain that lies aching inside me. And I did this on Velma's shoulder this evening, only a few minutes ago. Thank God for Charlie shoulders to cry on! That helps so much.

Wrote to Father Lucien this morning asking him for suggestions as to where I might stay this fall Please, Mother, place your little confused child where she will be assured of His Eucharistic Presence. If this means far from the Charlies, from Velma and even from our spiritual director then please give me at least this Companion. He is actually the only one that counts, for I love Him in all these Charlies I feel that I shall have to leave. But I know that I shall never have to leave my Beloved. Alleluia!

Saturday, July 14

It was raining when we got up this morning, just as it was yesterday, so God asked us to miss Holy Mass again. This hurts so, and I pray that He will accept this tremendous desire to receive Him and come to my heart so that I might spend every second in His love.

Sunday, July 15

Daddy came about four this afternoon. We had a little chat. 0 Mother, sometimes those are so difficult. Daddy retold some of the heart-piercing stories of Mother which I've tried so hard to put aside. And when I told him of the dilemma I'm in concerning the future, he offered absolutely nothing, except that it's too bad I can't help fill the horrible teacher shortage in Fowler. How I wish I had the training and health to do this.

Monday, July 16

At breakfast Velma told me that after she had gone to church yesterday evening for a little visit she spoke to Leo concerning me while they were at dinner. He has definitely ruled that I must not stay here after the first agreed time, that is, this fall. It seems that even if Grandma were not here, he is definitely against it. I know not the reasons, although there must be some very good ones, I do know that this is Holy Obedience. And I thank God for making it so clear. But now that I know the places where I may NOT stay, can't we find the other side of the picture? 0 Mother, my heart aches so very much sometimes that I can feel a physical pain deep within. I have wanted so long to belong, and yet it seems that God never wishes me to cuddle in this security. Fiat, Fiat, Fiat! But please give me the strength to do what He wants, and please show me. I look to you, my mother, with boundless confidence, for nowhere else can I place my hope. Accept the tears of your poor little one. I have so far to go before I can prove I love Him above all else. Help me!

Velma permitted me to call Our Lady of Hope this evening to see if Mother Michael will permit us to make the trip there as planned. She had never answered our letter. And no wonder, for two weeks ago she left for France and won't return till next June. That seems so terribly long. And of course that calls off our anticipated trip. 0 Mother, all these things hurt me so, and yet I know that His grace is sufficient and beg you, the treasure house of all graces, to give me the strength I need to fulfill all His desires for me. Please, Mother, have mercy on the tears of your poor, helpless little one!

Tuesday, July 17

Thanks just loads for the day at Mary Joan's. It was truly great, and I doubt that time spent with that tremendous lover could be anything else. We had our hour of adoration together, talked as only Charlies can, and the little ones, especially Maria, provided all the entertainment necessary, so much so that I had to take a snooze when she did this afternoon. And there's no problem on the talks we have to give in August to the Charlies. I'll just set Maria in the middle of the table and tell all to observe and do likewise. She is such an angel. No wonder you love little ones in such a very special way. Please let me be like them. Teach me, my beautiful Mother.

Thursday, July 19

Julie came this afternoon with our MATER ET MAGISTRA booklets that we are to have studied for the retreat sessions. Also brought a letter that had been forwarded to her from the rehabilitation center in Anderson. They cannot help me. 0 well, I think maybe HE still loves me, the way He's been hugging me so tightly lately. But please tell Him not to forget a little kiss now and then.

Wrote a letter to St. Vincent's Villa this evening to see if I might do something to possibly earn my room and board there. Everything is so very dark right now, but I shall keep these weak eyes of my soul searching for the gentle light of His Holy Will. Star of the Sea, guide me!

Sunday, July 22

What a WOW day this has been. Thank you, Mother, for giving your little one just the tonic she needed at this difficult period.

Julie was waiting outside church right after our ten o'clock Mass this morning. And that was quite a Mass, wasn't it? It is so grand to see our Father Keith on the altar, and to hear his love notes from the pulpit again. He is really floating from that retreat he just had. Guess he has to wear a long cassock to make people think his feet are still on the ground, but I truly doubt that they are. He was terriffff in the confessional last night. So very gentle, understanding me as only he could. He told me that a person in my condition, with not only a physical handicap but also almost what one might call an orphan, must possess to the fullest extent the virtue of HOPE. Yes, Mother, of course I know this, and I beg of you to ask that God lavish this precious gift upon me and that I might receive it.

Saturday, July 28

Father said that he had been to see Mother Gerard yesterday. He spoke to her about my problem, rather challenge. Mother told him that she wants me to feel that St. Joseph's is truly my home. But she sees the difficulties that have arisen and thinks that my going to Villa Maria would be an excellent setup. There I would find what I've always wanted wherever I go, my Beloved in the Holy Eucharist. Of course this has been my plea ever since I was told that I ought to look for another place to stay. Also both Mother Gerard and Father Keith think that my being there not only to do typing for Sister but also to visit, love, and bring happiness to those people who are so alone would be a grand apostolate for me. This must be His Will for me, and so I join this weak little Fiat to yours and pray that I might be His littl