Editor's note: In volume three Virginia recounts some of the difficulties she begins to experience at Good Samaritan in Kokomo. She also moves forward with transforming a church coffee club into a prayer group based upon Jesus-Caritas principles. She takes another trip to Gary, Indiana to visit Sister Blanche. Her contact with her many friends from Elwood, Indiana continues, despite the distance that now separates them.

Virginia petitions to become an official member of the Jesus-Caritas lay fraternity, but is refused admission. This leads her friend, Father Lucien Duesing, to write the insightful words, "You have so many and varied interests that I feel that you can never belong to anybody or any one organization because you must belong to everybody. You are without a home to be "at home" everywhere." Virginia comes to understand better and accept the unique vocation she has been given. She writes, "I feel so convinced of my work, so sure that it's what Our Father wants, because I've had no part in planning it so." Virginia also gives an account of her first visit to St. Meinrad.

A. J. P. M.

[Ad Jesum per Mariam]

December 30, 1962

Lovely card from Father Keith Friday. No. 2 this year for his littlest sister. And it was sent from Loveland, Ind., of course. O please tell him I love it, Mother.

And Father Brown sent five dollars, together with a little note telling God's little vagabond to buy a candy bar. What a character. Wish he could see our lollipop.

Our Mr. St. Joseph came fairly early Monday afternoon, December 24^th. What a thrill it was to see them again. Somehow things went so much more smoothly this time. I feel that it is you teaching me I don't belong anywhere but everywhere, as Father Jim so kindly put it for me last summer.

We stopped at the Cleavers' with the boxes I had fixed for the kids. Just all kinds of goodies still lying in our overloaded knapsack. I know that this family hasn't much but Love, which is all it really needs, but I felt quite tickled that Baby Jesus could give to them what He had loaned His little vagabond sister, and also I remembered Father Keith's reminder that my family is as large as the number of people I love and I was thrilled to count these and every person on this earth in my list of brothers and sisters.

Then home to [the Tanzilli's], a very beautiful little corner. And over the back door mistletoe. But I couldn't wait to get under it to embrace that Velma. O how I love her and miss her. And, Mother, being there was so very different than at Thanksgiving. I knew this was for two days, I knew I'd be torn from this haven again, and yet nothing could shake my joy. O thank you so very much for making it so, for helping me not to hurt those to whom I owe eternal debts of love, for letting me live TODAY, as Sister Mark's letter so beautifully put it. TODAY the Mass begins. Yes, TODAY Love begins. TODAY Christ is born. TODAY I am born.

Remember the transistor I was telling you about? I decided the girls would get a kick out of that so wrapped it for the both of them. Ludey was fumbling with the package, trying desperately to guess its contents. She even asked if it was a transistor. I asked her if she thought I could afford such gifts, me with my millionaire Father. Of course, she agreed that I could never buy such a gift so forgot the whole thing till the time for unwrapping gifts. And you should have seen those ornery little black eyes glow. Praise be to God for the eyes of children, for the eyes of His Son, and yours. Ludey got me my promise of immortality, von Zeller's WE DIE STANDING UP. Carolyn, the ever practical stationery. And dear Charlie picture frames, mittens and "The Enemies of Love." O how nice it was to sit around the golden tree and unwrap these little goodies, given simply out of love.

Then time for the family to go to Grandma Bianca's for the children's picnic, and time for me to be alone to prepare for Baby Jesus. O how I had yearned for that hour of solitude. All the lights were out except the Christmas tree and the candle burning at the Enthronement of the Sacred Heart. Such peace, contentment, joy, Love. I tried to sing what filled my heart, but after a few lines my voice would fade out from the exhaustion which was trying to creep in. O but I just couldn't let it. Not at this time. And like a sleepy little shepherdess, awakened by angels' songs, I yearned to hasten with the others to see the Baby King.

And then an angel did come, live. Our dear Queen came and once again I was privileged with her companionship. She was like a kid with all the goodies I had packed in her box, wearing the necklace, perfume, makeup, powder, lipstick and even the little tan hat. And in return, a package from the Cleavers containing the one thing I would wish most from them. One of those little shrines made from the kids' popsicle sticks. Just the thing for the Baby Jesus I wish to enshrine in our room always, as the Little Sisters do. O please tell each of those little angels how I love it.

Then the eternal moment drew near, the time for Midnight Mass. There were three bundles out to face the cold, Velma, Leo and I, and nothing could have diminished the warmth of anticipation in our hearts.

Did you ever see a more conspicuous child at Midnight Mass? O Mother, I got so very embarrassed by such obvious capers in church, and yet beneath I had to laugh at myself. From our usual place before St. Joseph we moved to the middle aisle to be with Julie, Pat and Mary Joan. Then about Epistle time, one of the ushers brought a handful of rags to mop up the puddle that was trailing from the snow on our wheels toward the communion rail. Velma leaned over to tell me not to pull such stunts in church.

Following all this my dear missionary entered the confessional. It's very difficult for me to bring myself to go to Confession during Holy Mass, and especially this one, but it was my only opportunity so Our Father must have willed it that way. And there I heard from the lips of Christ an invitation to join the beloved little brother you've given me in his consecration to JCF. O how I rejoice at this great milestone. I know that he must be thrilled, and yet I wish that you might take some of this joy that has filled me to overflowing and make it his. And because you have arranged the great spiritual fusion between us, I know that somehow you shall grant this wish of your little child.

Then I returned to Calvary, the Calvary of the stable, where the Infant Redeemer began His work. And I saw you lift Him that we might adore, not even an Infant this time, but a little white wafer. MY LORD AND MY GOD! And Christ was born, today, eternally. And you bent to lay Him in the little crib we'd been preparing for Him. And He smiled because you were there.

After Holy Mass, as I sat before the crib, my little brother came up to observe that Baby Jesus didn't have football knees. But I was happy to notice that even then the Baby wasn't lying down. The manger, too small for the Baby King, forced him into a flexed position. Perhaps later, when He has grown a little more, He'll find it impossible to lie there at all, and will kneel to put His tiny head on the straw. Teach me, little Baby.

And on Christmas morning, still I held Him. What more was there to look for? He is here! And so I carried Him all through the day of peace and Love. It seemed that nothing disturbed Us.

Wednesday morning brought Us a phone call. The guy on the other end began by singing Christmas wishes. Of course it was my little brother. He was calling from Muncie and asked if I'd like to go to Father Edgar's for the weekend. Vagabond assignment, that's how I take all these little invitations.

Father Keith walked in our back door at eleven to say we weren't going to leave at five. Great! That's my missionary. Car trouble this time. Think it upset Velma, but I just couldn't help being amused at his capers. Besides, just seeing him there was enough to forget all anxiety about clocks, etc. O how I love him. Thank you, Mother, for my little brother. He called a little later to let me in on the next day's schedule. He said Father O'Neill would drive me there the next morning.

Father Jim and I took a rather circumspect route to Muncie, via Marion. We stopped to see the lovely Koors family there, and then to have supper with the Oswalds'. O how good was Our Father in letting me miss Maryann's visit here only to spend a glorious evening with her entire family in their happy home.

O Mother, I just have to tell you about our panty episode. You'll enjoy this. Well, the elastic in this certain pair of panties had seen its better days and already had a safety pin tuck in front. But that wasn't enough. Each time Father Jim lifted me in and out of the car--we ignored the wheelchair that day--I prayed as hard as possible that my panties wouldn't fall off. And when we got to Maryann's they were resting on my knees. You can well imagine with what precision I crawled the last feet to the restroom for first aid. But when all was taken care of, and I was dubbed pin-up girl, it was truly a laughing matter. Even Father Jim got in on it, and probably enjoyed the tale of woe more than Maryann.

And here I am today, Mother, back in the little corner you've readied for me. How long will you keep me here? Our Father decides such things. It is for you, my precious Mother, to whisper His wishes to me, and in His strength I shall do all things Love requests. [Aunt] Vivian is trying to bring some definite plans into my vagabond life again. She wishes to help, I know, but I just can't explain to her what I truly feel is my vocation. She doesn't think I belong here and wishes to relocate me. O Mother, I do feel that you've brought me here for a purpose. So it is very hard for me. But I can't run from Love's demands. No Mother, I shall remain to finish the work you've assigned here, then skip to the next task on eternity's path.

Monday, December 31

O Mother, last night again the command that I MUST sleep in the chair, this time brought from Sister Raphael by Sister Aquinas. O when will they stop doing things "for my own good?" But really, I know that any cross such as this is good for me and I sing the glory of my crucified Spouse in enduring all things. Ah yes, Mother, I shall be killed with their kindness, and Christ shall live. Deo gratias!

Sister Camilla called today. I was tickled to talk to her, but there was Sister Evangelista standing over me, telling me to get off the phone. And so, live, Jesus!

Mother, you know how very weak I am, how each of these little hurts pierces my poor heart. And now it is nearing the end of the year of our beloved Lord and Brother Jesus 1962. What must be my resolution? When I asked Father Keith this question, his answer was simple and clear. "Poverty." Yes, Mother, the Baby King has spoken. There He lies on His bed of straw, soon to lie upon the rough wood of a tree. And He asks me to stay there with Him. O where else is there to go? Must He ask me? Mother, please lay me there, wrapped in Love, annihilated in its Flames. And you look down into that poor manger and see only your Baby. Jesus!

Tuesday, January 1

In the year of our beloved Lord and Brother Jesus 1963

Ave, Maria! Another glorious year in which Christ will reign. Thy Kingdom come! Mother, pray that all your children may reign with Him.

Again last night Jesus was very near when Virginia forced me into the chair to sleep. She can be so very cruel, saying such biting remarks. And each of these pierces so very deep. And then when I hear them directed at the patients, my sisters, I want to cry. Why, Mother? Why is this poor girl so unhappy? Bring her the love and peace of your little Baby. Please, Mother.

Mary Romack was here all afternoon. Thank you for sending her. We spoke very intimately of the things of God. It is at times like these, when troubled souls spill out their pains, that I know Jesus is truly present. And I never fear that what I say might be the wrong thing. With His Love within me I know I can do no harm. And without this Love may I never utter a sound. Happiness--the hunger to give. O Mother, I am so very happy in Christ.

Wednesday, January 2

Baby Jesus shed His precious Blood for the first time yesterday, only a symbol of the total surrender He would make years later at Golgatha. And He let me join in my childish manner His Sacrifice. For yesterday, the first time in three years, I got into some pretty bad nosebleeds. It's this cold you let me take for Father Keith. O thank you! My sinuses are so congested that the only way to relieve them is to let the blood come through. And so twice yesterday and twice today this happened. It seems that my head is about to burst, pain warns me, and then it begins. But then there is such relief afterwards. When I think that you have let me take this from my little brother I am overwhelmed with Love. The marvels of Divine Providence that could give His strength to miserable weakness.

Did you read the darling letter I got from Ludey today? O thank you for such a sweet little sister. And I was so very surprised to receive a lovely message from Sister M. Peter, who taught me in the third and fourth grade at St. Vincent's Villa. Thank you, Mother, for this note of encouragement. To think of the love in which you've surrounded me all my life overwhelms me. Through tears and laughter alike you were here with me, caressing your little child. May this prodigality always fall on a child pleasing to Our loving Father.

Just had to call Jean this evening. I love her so and miss her if I can't see her often. It was good to talk with her, to know that my Kokomo mama was thinking of me too. I shall see her and the others of our little group tomorrow evening. And we're to meet here first, at our house, to spend our first half-hour of adoration together before the Blessed Sacrament. I just know that this will draw the bond between us, we who eat at the same Love feast. Be with us then and always, Mother!

Friday, January 4

O thank you, Mother, for all that you gave us last night. All but two of my friends were here at seven-thirty last night for the Holy Hour of adoration. The Sisters had left the crib lights on for us. We had intended only a half-hour for the first time, but no one knew what time it was till Sister Matthew came in and turned on the big lights at eight-thirty. Then we went to Jean's house for a get-together.

Because I had promised to show Father's Mass slides, I felt a little embarrassed to say we didn't have them. But I brought Bishop Sheen's THIS IS THE MASS, and with that and Jean's copy we had sufficient pictures for a wonderful discussion, covering the Mass and several other topics.

Sister Raphael had asked me to return at a reasonable hour, and I wondered how she'd consider 11:30 this morning. She thought it a good idea to stay all night when we have those late meetings, and suggested that I do it every time. O thank you, Mother, for taking care of that. I try so very hard not to offend the good Sisters, and know that you gave me this for my efforts.

And it was wonderful to stay at Jean's, to be with her as much as possible, for she's such a delightful companion. Thank you for all this time with my Kokomo Mama.

Last night Jean showed me something very special that Father Melvin had brought her from Jerusalem, so all night I slept on a piece of stone from the lithostratos on which our beloved Savior tread during His Passion. I was reminded of the nights during which I had warmed Father Keith's precious splinters of the true Cross during last August's retreat. Such precious privileges has Our Father granted His little vagabond. O my soul, never will you silence the praise that is raised eternally to almighty God.

Saturday, January 5

Here it is the Twelfth day of Christmas, and I got to open the last of Father Keith's gifts to Baby Jesus and me, this time guides to the Holy Gospels, just like I saw at Pat's last summer and wished that I might have. O thank you, Baby Jesus. I think St. Luke must have a special message for me, for Father gave me two Luke's and no Mark. We'll see what message awaits me there.

Sunday, January 6

Little Christmas

Need a little advice, Mother. It seems that lately my desire to join JCF (Jesus-Caritas Fraternity) is increasing continually and abundantly. Is this simply that I love Charlie so or an indication of Our Father's Will in this matter? Please ask Him for me. Perhaps I can talk it over with Anne-Marie. One thing I fear is that my vagabond life might not be compatible with the rule. And I do feel He wishes this way for me. Fiat. I'll await His call. Only use me for His glory, Mother. That's all.

As I knelt there in chapel with the Magi at the crib today, I was amazed at the faith of those wise men in following only a little star over mountains and desert to find a tiny Baby, to adore an almighty God. The Magi, whom we have painted so elaborately, truly possessed that simplicity your Child so loved. Did they not feel their poverty, insufficiency, in the gold they offered? Could not the little drummer boy's song suit them too? I just know He smiled at them.

Monday, January 7

Today's mail brought a letter from our dear Charlie in Nazareth. God love her. She is so very apologetic as regards her irritation at my dear missionary that night he didn't show till eleven. I regretted that it troubled her so, but certainly couldn't hold this against her. You know, concerning my tears at Thanksgiving, she told me to stop being sorry for being human. Is this not the same situation? O yes, it hurt me that she spoke of Father thus. Perhaps some of the things she said were true, but I love him so I see his faults and love him even more because he has them, because I can suffer more to help him conquer them. Sometimes I wonder just how I might love him more than I do, but then I look back and find that there are never limits. And I know that somehow I shall continually increase this Love, and because of this I must suffer more and more for him. O blessed Eternity, when the Sacred Heart of Christ will no longer be shattered!

This evening I spoke with Sister Aquinas on the way upstairs. All I did was irritate her. She resents all happiness I display, the poor dear. For she knows nothing but misery. You know, since I've returned from Christmas vacation she's ignored me completely. She knows how this hurts, even more than her biting remarks. And so I seldom speak to her, except a little hello, and a big prayer under my breath that she might find the joy Christ offers. O please help her, Mother! Don't let me hurt this bleeding heart.

Tuesday, January 8

Was so tickled to receive Bernadette's letter today in which she told me of a grand sermon. Guess Father Keith finally got to the pulpit, and he DID talk on HOPE, as he had promised. Bernadette sounded like it was soul-shaking. O anything the Holy Spirit says through his lips is that. It made me cry inside to think that all that he wished to communicate to us these past months had to be suppressed, that even on the anniversary of his first Mass, his parents there, he had to step aside so that Msgr. Hammes might take the pulpit. This must have hurt so, and please God, formed Christ our divine Master even more securely in his heart.

This morning when Sister Aquinas didn't show up for Holy Mass I got rather worried. And we didn't see her at all till after dinner. She must have been feeling pretty bad. Spoke with Sister Raphael a little this afternoon. She herself says that Sister Aquinas drives herself too hard, quite unnecessarily, but there is nothing to do about it because of her terribly nervous condition. Please, Mother, help her. She hurts others so, but surely not half as much as she hurts herself.

And now something to take for Father Keith's books tonight. All afternoon and evening I've waited here for that dern Julie, but there was no sign of her, no call or note. O how it hurts to be expecting something like that and to sit here still hoping an hour after the nurses' meeting usually begins. Will I never learn to conquer self enough that I may take such things better? I doubt it; I've always been a cockeyed optimist. I always rely so upon human love, and yet when this isn't given it doesn't seem to jolt me. Though it may not be returned when I give, I receive a divine Love in such a superabundant measure that I thank God for taking what I thought was good to give me Goodness Itself. Deo gratias!

Wednesday, January 8

This morning I wrote a note to Father Keith, telling him of this burning desire to join JCF and asking his advice. Whatever he says will be my will, for I know he will use Christ's words for me. Be Our Mother always. We both love you.

Jean came this afternoon, with our Cokes and much Love. We'll have our get-together in the morning. O thank you for sending me one so full of Love at times when I'm so very happy, so very hungry to give, to spill the joy Christ brings.

Thursday, January 9

We had a great meeting at Pat's this morning. O Mother, I see the many little miracles of grace with which the Holy Spirit is encouraging us and I rejoice to know that it is His Will we perform. With each meeting we sound depths in communication so new to this group. Live, Jesus, in our Love!

And then Jean and I stopped for a Big Boy before returning home. It's very hard to express the gratitude I feel that God should permit me to love this beautiful soul. Each time we're together I feel the bond between us tighten, and each time I marvel that it is possible that our love should increase still more. This must be Heaven. Boundless Love, I run to You!

Remember that Congolese Mass Father Keith played for us during retreat, the one that started me dancing and Mary Joan's dinner was left woefully neglected? Well, Jean gave it to me today. I'm so tickled to receive something of such beauty. Was that Father Keith's record during retreat? If not, I can give him this one. I know he loves it so.

I think of him even more than I used to. And my Love for him fills me with such joy. Nowhere have I found and loved Christ as in the little brother your Motherly kindness has given me. It has almost reached a point where I no longer desire to hear him speak, to be with him. I feel that he is such a part of me that I need only listen to hear his words, that I somehow know just what he'd say to his baby sister. And when I received Christ this morning, Christ, Christ and each member of His Mystical Body, I felt a new and glorious union between me and my missionary. And at our meeting [this morning], in dealing with all the little problems proposed, I spoke confidently, as he always speaks to me, knowing it was only one Spirit Who guides us both, only one Love. I know not why Christ has granted me such delights, given me such a Love for His visible Presence among us. O but tonight as I kneel on these red football knees, I'll kneel twice as hard, so to speak, thanking God and singing within my heart your Magnificat for His mercies to me.

Friday, January 10

Our bumpers [back brace] broke last night, and I looked so funny with a big brown belt around everything. I knew I had to keep them on somehow to get a little rest, and this morning the pain and muscle spasms were sheer agony. 0 thank you, Mother, I just know you took each pang immediately for my missionary. And with such a consolation I could be nothing but filled with joy. Guess the girls on third wondered that I could be chattering away happily one minute and the next be wrenched with pain. 0 but this is Love. And Christ has no back, no neck or arms or legs or head but mine in which to continue His Passion of Love. Could I bear to refuse this request? Live, Jesus! And besides, how could I have known just how much God spares me with this luxury unless I felt its relief this afternoon after a whole morning without it? Thank God for bumpers!

Please continue caring for dear Sister Aquinas. She seems somewhat better, laughing a little now and then. Last night she even invited me to watch Dr. Kildare at the time she normally wants me to prepare for bed. And this evening I talked her into sitting to listen to our Congolese Mass record. She loved it, has several missionaries in Africa. May Christ love her through me!

And Sister even stayed to "warn" me concerning my love for Jean. I had mentioned something about Jean in speaking of the record. And Sister kindly gave me a lesson on the dangers of personal friendships. Although it rather amused me, and didn't create a striking conversion in me, I was rather tickled that she could care enough to speak to me of something like that and pray that you continue to show her the needs of others and the joyful art of giving, and of Love.

Saturday, January 11

Father Schiavone was in today, but he came at the same time a little girl who began work in the kitchen yesterday was here. It was most embarrassing, for I wished to go to Confession. But kindness said no, so I didn't ask her to leave. I feared she'd be offended. I know that you won't neglect your little one, Mother, and so whenever you send me a confessor I shall be grateful, knowing that even now you take my weakness and clothe it in your strong virtues so that each day Christ may live within me.

Father said that he'd be with Father Keith tomorrow. I do hope it wasn't asking too much to send a little hint for my missionary to drop me a line. I try never to make demands on him whose flock is so great. And I know that now it is my happy lot to be what you were to Christ during his public life, to be pressed to the side by the multitudes, yet always to follow. He knew you were there, Mother, you His co-missionary. But He was about His father's business. And so were you. How very happy He must have been to have you with Him. And how happy you must have been to give Him to all those hungry sheep. They did ask Him to give you special notice once, didn't they, Mother? And they could never have imagined the words of love and praise He uttered of you in His reply. But you knew, didn't you Mother, and once again in your humility you magnified your God. Co-missionary of Christ, please teach me the way to Calvary, to Love unfathomable.

Dear Mother, I fear exhaustion and pain are to be constant companions for a while. Today told me what before I refused to hear. I'm so tired, Mother. As the day wore on, the pain increased, and this evening it is truly my dear companion, kissing me everywhere, all over my back, neck, arms and legs. But no one knows, Mother. Just Mary McNally. Please help me to hide it better this time than I have before. Let me continue my visits to the patients, my cut-ups in the kitchen. Then no one need know what special little goodies Jesus sends, and in Him I can do all things. More to suffer, my God, ah more! How else might I begin to love You? I can't begin, but I can only let Your Spirit possess me. Then You shall live in me and I can LOVE. Is this to supplement the celebration we're planning for your feastday? Will you really give me something to prepare a crown for you, our Queen of Lourdes? ACCIPIO. 0 thank you, Mother! I can never offer you anything but a Charlie heart. Without the Cross there would be nothing, but with it there is Love.

Do kiss your little one tonight. I just wrote Aunt Edith, trying to explain away her dilemma as to your role as Mediatrix of all Graces. Would that I might shout to the world that you are my Mother! 0 thank God that He has made it so! A little one rests in your arms.

Sunday, January 12

Mother, I love you! Can you hear me? It's such a weak little one who comes to you tonight. But I know you hear. You're always here to listen, and to love me perhaps because I'm so very unlovable. My suppositions of last night were correct, and Little Sister Pain has come to bide with me a while. Yes, my door is open to her. "Sweet Pain, spare not this clod, but fling it up to God!"

I slept much today, for there is little else I'm [capable of] doing. Even the Charlies will be a strain right now. But thank God for that. I shall be even more eager to go to them, for I know that my Little Brother Keith might gain strength from my feeble efforts. To be consumed as he with love for souls. When will I attain this? Perhaps because I've been given as his little shadow you will let me collect a few of his crumbs so that I shan't be empty-handed when Jesus calls me home. My Mother, my joy, let us sing. Magnificat anima mea Dominum!

Monday, January 13

Just finished a letter to Judy Zimmerman. It was such fun to get her caught up on our vagabond capers. When I wrote her last December I was headed for the cloister in Philadelphia. And look at me now! It's such fun to sit here and look back upon all my shattered dreams, only to find that they were not magnificent enough to fit the Eternal Thought of God. And so they were shattered to build these eternal structures.

Slept this morning and again this afternoon. Perhaps much rest will relieve this pain and exhaustion.

That dern Julie just called to say she wasn't coming last Tuesday night. Just one more of those characters you've given me to love. And I do!

Father Keith sent a message, "Okay." O thank you, Mother. Now I know Christ wants me in Jesus-Caritas and I just can't wait to speak with Anne-Marie. What will she say to her "petite soeur?" Perhaps in her kindness she will permit me [in]to her family in spite of my childishness. Perhaps she will smile at the capers of the little sparrow like you do, Mother.

Julie said that Dick and Queen will be over sometime this week. O I can hardly wait. It seems so very long since I was in our little Nazareth, although it's just been a couple weeks. And you know, Mother, our dear little Queen always seems to come just when I need her very much. How I love her and Dick! Have they not discovered the true life of Nazareth? O that the world might possess what they have! Then will we have a world of Holy Families.

Tuesday, January 14

Praise the Lord, ye telephones! I'm sure the Council will consider adding this to the Liturgy. Especially since Pope John is such a special friend of those "crazy Americans". Our Joe Reilly in particular. He phoned us today! We were in chapel. In fact, I was just ready to begin our third decade exchange. And there was our darling Mary Easterday panting at the door, announcing a long distance call for me from New York. I really don't know which of us was more excited.

It's at times like these, in speaking with those I love so, that I wish I might remember every word that was said. I'm always like this with Father Keith, wishing that each word Love utters might be recorded, "taking all these things and pondering them within my heart." And the Gospels, sweet nourishment to our souls. May never a crumb be swept aside.

Had just loads of mail awaiting me in our room. Sister Blanche sends me an invitation for this weekend. I'd love to go but don't know just how to contact Daddy. If not now it will have to wait till after Lent, and Sister's been asking me so much I hate to wait that long. Please take care of it, Mother.

At last we received word from my poor Mother. It had been since way before her surgery that she had written. The poor dear seems so weak and discouraged. The doctors ask her to wait six months for the strength she had before, and you know even that wasn't much. My heart aches to know that she cannot receive Jesus to help her. And yet I know that God is Love. Will all that I've suffered for her, because of her, go unnoticed? Of course not! 0 blessed hope that what seems impossible is never so. You are her Mother too. And she loves you, she calls upon your perpetual help. I know she does.

Wednesday, January 15

Thank you, Mother, for such prompt aid in our weekend situation, for sending Daddy today and making it possible for me to spend a couple days with Sister Blanche again. Although I'm so very weary and the pain has become a happy nuisance, I now know that you wish me to go on a little love mission to Gary. And so a very tired little hobo, knowing that her Jesus wishes to go to Gary on her wheels, runs to take Him there.

And our lovely Jean was here this afternoon. I just knew she'd come and anticipated her visit all day. She'd returned the clothes I'd received for Christmas in exchange for others I can wear. Guess they aren't selling skirts elephant size any more. So she made the skirt Lina gave me smaller. And remember the cute little green skirt and sweater outfit I received? Well, that store had nothing to fit me but in the maternity department. Jean got a lovely beige suit for me there. I get such a kick out of it. And when I wear it I know I'll always think of your visit to Elizabeth, and strive to bring Christ to the world again.

Thursday, January 16

0 Mother, words escape me this evening. How can I really say what I mean with a 'Thank you,' or 'Praised be God?' But you did send my little brother to see me. Yes, Mother, you always know just when I need him, and somehow the Christ so consumed by the crowds pauses to stoop to a little one who stands there only to love.

Our group met at Barbara's this morning and got home about one. It was a grand get-together. And after the others left Jean and I stayed for lunch.

Upon returning home I went to sleep immediately and after a couple hours awoke and was preparing to do a little typing when my little brother entered our room. Such joy to see him. How will we be able to contain that joy that will be ours when, at the end or our exile, we behold Christ? But you will be there, won't you, Mother. And you'll lay a helpless little thing in His arms. And He'll smile because you gave me to Him.

I'd asked Father to write me one line in answer to my request to join JCF. And so he brought a postcard addressed to: The Littlest Sister--up in some clouds over Kokomo. And the line? Agape, in Greek. True Love!

We talked a little, then went to Frisch's for a hamburger and malt. 0 how wonderful it was to be with him, to hear words Christ addresses to me, to receive from my missionary the fruits of my little offerings in God-like prodigality. And Father wrote a few dates on which we'll be working overtime. So please take care of things, Mother. Help me to do my little share in his apostolate. Let mine be the Cross over the fathomless Love of his heart, so that together we shall nourish the world on Jesus-Caritas.

We returned home to Christ and spent precious moments together before our beloved Lord and Brother in the most blessed Sacrament. Then in his boundless kindness Father heard my confession. And Christ said that I may work on chastity of the tongue. Mother, help me! This little portal that welcomes Christ each morning must be as pure as the abode He chose beneath your heart. Let these lips utter nothing but a tremendous Magnificat, your Love song. And I know Love will cross this threshold, to the world.

Sunday, February 3

Your little one is quite incapable, physically and spiritually, to express the gratitude that surges in my poor little heart for all that you have done for me since I last wrote. 0 but you understand, don't you, Mother? And yet you encourage me to continue these little love notes to you. You who know each second of a life entirely dedicated to Christ through your sweet maternal hands, you must smile upon my futile attempts to write to you of events born in God's eternal Word. And you love me so, me with such weaknesses and failures, that you encourage me to continue to write you because through these letters you may teach me the Way and the Truth and the Life.

Daddy did come for me Friday, Jan. 18th, to take me for a weekend with our darling Sister Blanche. 0 but YOU had even bigger plans for us, didn't you, Mother? And when your little one so anticipated that little time with Sister you saw fit to give me THREE weekends, over two weeks, there at the big hospital where Jesus seems to speak so very clearly. 0 thank you for the retreat there. You knew how hard I was trying to get to Maria Stein for a weekend, to get a better chance to hear the silent Love words the Holy Spirit whispers always in the sanctuary of little hearts. I know not why you choose Gary [Indiana] to bring me such refreshment. But I need know nothing but that I have a Mother who loves me eternally. And I snuggle in your arms. No wonder it's so easy to smile.

0 Eternity! Sometimes I can hardly wait, and sometimes I see that you know this burning desire and bring me to sit at heaven's very doorstep TODAY. 0 the Wisdom that pulls every earthly security from under a vagabond's feet to plant her at the golden gates where even now I enjoy the scent emanating from the Love therein.

0 Mother, you do think of everything. Why need I make any plans, I who am so very nearsighted? Here I'd talked Father Keith out of making me write for an appointment to Indianapolis till after my visit to Gary. He'd told me to do so twice before, but you know how I "forgot." Maybe that wasn't a very good reason for not doing so. But you know how I felt about going there time after time to try another experiment, another doctor, another futile attempt for relief. But now, one doctor who has won my confidence; a tremendous respect for a great guy.

Dr. Jahns. Maybe he doesn't spell his name just as I would wish, but it's a beautiful name and we can pretend that he's the one who's spelling it wrong. So after the snow storm you blew up to let me stay in Gary longer, I met Dr. Jahns Monday. He kindly agreed to help a vagabond, after Sister Blanche had explained our problems. 0 how very wonderful it is to feel so satisfied, to at last have confidence in a doctor, to know that he's doing all he can for ME, not for an experiment. Dr. thinks I'm both spastic and athetoid. See, always spoiled, including TWO types of CP. Upon seeing me he immediately ordered a collar for this poor neck of mine. A felt cervical collar so that the muscle spasms would find a little give in the brace. You, Mother, who read our little plans, you know how I've wished for something like this to bring me relief. Of course, I knew I needn't tell you about it. How could a very little one explain to her Mother what is needed? Only to sit here and love you. That's why Jesus lets me sit with Him at your feet, lie here in your arms, completely confident that every need will be fulfilled, only cooing I love you, Mother.

And now I know that you'll carry me everywhere. Doc told me to abandon the crutches. What with my lack of balance I used to fall so very often. And he says that if I should break a bone I'd be in a real pickle, for it could never heal with all my muscle spasms. I wanted only to know what I ought to do. And now, instead of tripping at your heels as you take me to Jesus, I nestle in you arms as you carry me to my Spouse.

Wednesday morning, braced from head to toe for just about anything, we met Dr. Jahns in the cast room and he followed us to my room with a harness and 5 lbs of traction. Then he demonstrated for us. It looked so easy and sounded so wonderful that I might be in bed again. I kicked for joy, and after he left Sister and I both dripped for joy. Then I started making plans to call several friends FROM BED. 0 it all sounded like a dream. Remember how I've always said I'll dive for that first cloud beyond the Golden Gates? Well, I was going to tell everyone I was calling from heaven.

So after dinner it was nap time, and a very excited trio made their way to my room. Our third party was another dear friend Jesus and I made there at Mercy. Her name was Mary. She visited with me often, saying very little, only receiving the words I let Love say through me. So Sister and Mary tried to harness the vagabond. 0 Mother, it was terrifying. I lay there stretched out flat in traction for two eternal minutes, every muscle in my aching body twitching in violent spasms. And when the others could stand to see me lie there no longer, only two minutes of my Jesus' three hours on His bed of agony, I was pulled to a sitting position, there to sit shaking, sobbing, mingling my feeble tears with those Love dropped from Sister's and Mary's eyes. Why the tears in my eyes? Did I really wish to lie down that much? 0 no, Mother, that is so unimportant to me. I guess I had seen in my mind's eyes the happiness on the faces of each of my friends as I told them to make the bed for me. It's not hard to accept the judgments of others any more, of those who think that my sleeping position indicates a mental condition or who are constantly telling me that I needn't be so ascetical. But to be so close to all these Christ has given me that they are hurt by my pain and insomnia. Maybe this is just a little shadow of dear Jesus' tears as He saw you beneath His Cross. And Love does such things! Accipio.

And I simply can't write you with out saying a few words to remind you about another friend, the brace man. Dr. Jahns called him the first day he saw me to order the collar. And he came that evening to take measurements. Also he took the shoes to mend my toes so battered from crawling and the next morning Mary took our bumpers, from which he took an inch from each side and put on a completely new canvas front and straps. Then he drove through a snow storm that evening, culminating in a battle with a drift, to get those braces to me. When asked the price the angel responded "a prayer." Please check his books, Mother. This means a big star, but I feel sure you've taken care of it already. Thank you.

I fear Sister Blanche had a real pickle on her hands the first week of our visit. That kidney infection crept up again, plus locked bowels, upset stomach and a pretty miserable vagabond. 0 but nothing dimmed the joy Jesus brought me in the visit he had planned for me. Right outside our window was a huge Cross, empty, just waiting for me. And I flung myself upon it.

Met Dr. Jahns at the switchboard a week ago yesterday. He asked me to verify the rumor that I wished to order six cervical tractions. Of course, I wanted six beds to go with them! He made a date to tuck me in after dinner for my nap. So once again I mounted the Cross laid there for me, this time permitted to draw my knees so that the spasms were greatly reduced. Then doc said he was going to hypnotize me. It was all I could do during the half hour he worked on me to keep from giggling. I wouldn't dare look at Sister. And doc ended up snoring himself. Very convincing hypnotist, I guess.

That night Mary stayed so that Sister could get some rest. They put me in traction about ten, after my regular two Soma plus two knock out pills that did nothing to me. I'd been instructed to stay in traction only as long as I could stand it. But Mother, these things are so very hard for me to judge. Guess that's where my guardian angel took over. Sister Blanche had arranged for a nurse to check on me often, and finally at midnight I was permitted to go to my comfy little corner on the floor. Sometimes I wonder if that's what you have instead of beds in heaven. We'll see. Anyway, the floor felt heavenly. And finally at two-thirty exhaustion took over for two hours sleep before getting ready for Holy Mass. Any night might seem wonderful if one has her Jesus to anticipate next morning, if she remembers that He is with her in the long hours she keeps vigil. 0 little heart of mine, never cease to rejoice.

Sister put me in traction for an hour that afternoon, then Sunday evening prayed over her decision to drop the whole business. 0 I didn't know whether to hug her or argue that I must keep trying. But I hugged her. It was a blessed relief to know that I might rest a little that night. My entire body had been twisting violently in spasms all day Saturday and Sunday. The pain was terrific, and wonderful. 0 thank you, Mother! In my last letter, to you I begged that you'd help me do my share in my missionary's apostolate. I embrace the parcel you've sent that I might give. 0 please tell my little brother somehow that I love him and I'm so happy to be the least of his flock.

Doc was coming down the hall just as I was going to get ready for bed Wednesday evening. I was so confused as to what to say to him. I knew I hadn't been in traction for days. And when he asked how his "sleeping beauty" was I gulped and said, "Not so beautiful." I waited for Sister to say something, but she kindly gave me the honors, so I got to explain that we'd dropped the traction. But he didn't seem displeased, simple told me to forget about it. I had tried. And so I breathed a sigh of relief and a love you. For truly I knew how very hard I had tried, for Sister, for Doc, for all those I love. But Jesus reminds me that the only beds mentioned for Him in the Gospel are the Crib and the Cross, neither very comfy. Live, JESUS, even in my poor sleep.

Went shopping in the gift shop Thursday afternoon for some little gift for Dr. Jahns, and came out with a cute little red bow for his bald head. Sister wrapped it that evening for me, using a huge box in which we snuggled the bow in the center with tissue paper. Meanwhile I put my artistic talents to work on a contemporary card with a boxer out cold on the front, reading "Flat on your back?" I tore the other half of the card off, so that on the flip side was a big boxing glove, and I wrote, "Now let's hypnotize you ... 1 2 3" and signed it "Sleeping Beauty."

Next morning I was so tickled to see Doc just as he was rushing out. So I handed him the beautifully wrapped package, as only Sister could wrap it, and was tickled that he sat down to open the card. He got such a kick out of it, and said that alone would have been enough to give. He didn't know that cost more than the contents of the beautiful package. And then he said something that thrilled me, that told me that Jesus had been working in Gary during our stay, that all that pain paid for something that Dr. Jahns called "a spark in my life," another way of saying Jesus-Caritas. And Mother, you told me this on the beautiful feast of your Presentation. I love you! How can I thank you for that feastday present?

Again this morning we bumped into Dr. Jahns. He tried so hard to look disappointed in the gift, then pretended he had the bow under his hat. Said he had to put it on the side. There's a little hair left there. And before he left he took out his wallet, saying he'd heard I was collecting money for bows and would I send him a really pretty one when I found his type. He handed me a twenty-dollar bill, the loveliest bill I ever got from any doctor. 0 Mother, every attempt I made to thank that grand fellow seemed so far short of what I wished to say. But I know that you took care of that too. 0 how wonderful it is to lie here in your arms, knowing that my Mother cares for all things, that sweet repose in these arms, wherever a vagabond way may lead, is all Christ asks. He chose this way as a Baby. And Baby Jesus lives now.

Just listen to me, babbling away and with hardly a word of my beloved Sister Blanche. Maybe that's just cause Love needs no words. And 0 how I love her. That's the most wonderful gift you gave me during my stay in Gary, a chance to see more and more clearly the lovely picture of Christ in my Sister's little heart. Of course I can't see her beauty as you can, Mother. But I know you must love her so. If the shadow you showed me is so lovely what must be the reality? Again and again you show me a facet of the face of Christ. 0 glorious day when I shall at last behold the entire countenance of my Spouse, to find there all my loves blended into one pillar of Fire.

And Sister and I made an eternal bond of Amicitia. 0 glorious Friendship that can give tears as well as children's laughter. It was so very difficult to bid goodbye to all the wonderful friends Christ gave me there at the hospital of our Mother's mercy, and I couldn't bear to think of saying farewell to Sister. I was too choked up for words. We who remain together in THE Word need say nothing. Christ has said it all as he spreads His arms to embrace the world, pressing each of us to His Sacred Heart.

Monday, February 4

0 Mother, thank you for showing me today just how much you were taking care of during my virtual retreat in Gary. You were working hard here at home, making things comfy for my return. Sister Aquinas is doing just everything to try to allay my discomfort. Although most of it is useless, I accept her TLC anxiously, knowing that this giving is just the medicine for her. Please continue to help her, and somehow help me survive those who are killing me with kindness.

There is so much catching up to do, and yet I don't have the strength to do it right now. Called Father Keith this morning to let him know his vagabond sister is back in Kokomo, and still working. And called Jean to learn that our Charlies did go ahead with their hour of adoration and meetings while I was gone. I was a very tickled about that. Should be seeing Jean soon, and I'm anxious about it. Sometimes I could burst with the joy these "dangerous" friendships you've permitted me bring. Sorta like living dangerously if this is it. I think Jesus lived the same way. Love does such things!

Tuesday, February 5

I love you, Mother. I almost forgot to thank you for the very special touches on our Charlie heart today. A precious cross to place over the flames. You see yesterday there was so much makeup work to do I didn't take time to rest here in our little room downstairs. And so this afternoon when pain compelled me to do so, I discovered that the chair I'd found so heavenly before relieves none of the discomfort right now. Perhaps it will eventually, perhaps sometime soon I'll find some relief. It seems so long ago that we tried the traction, and yet my muscles keep forgetting [that it was a long time ago]. THEY think it was only yesterday. But then Father Keith has been extra busy lately, and. so of course his co-missionary can't lay down on the job now. Christ, tremendous Lover, live!

Friday, February 8

My dear Kokomo mama came yesterday afternoon. It was such a joy to embrace her again. And that evening we held our get-together at Vera's cute little home. 0 thank you for letting me go after all the other goodies you've been sending for my dear little brother lately. Each meeting we seem to reach newer and more beautiful heights of Amicitia. The Flame of God's Love burns brightly. May it never be extinguished.

And then I got to spend the night at Jean's. Don't know whether it was confidence or presumption that prompted me to pack my things before I asked if I might stay. Let's say it certainty in the Love of my little mama. So after eight o clock Mass I came home.

Then just as I was about to leave my dear Jesus after adoration, into our little chapel walked that dear Queen. 0 how beautiful to behold a smile from our Nazareth. To sit at her feet, sing the mercies of God, listen absorbed in the love stories she told me of all those pieces of a child's heart that remain in that Nazareth. 0 praised be God that He should assure me of immortality, of a resurrection when once again I shall be whole!

Saturday, February 9

Another of those Mary Saturdays. You know, Mother, every day is so Mary I wonder just how any one day can be special, how each day can become more and more exciting. Truly Love does such things. Only to make my Mother happy, to let you look at me and see your little boy Christ growing to Love's maturity. To help you relive each second of Nazareth. To make you feel at home as you mother another little one. To let you feed and clothe me, choose my playthings from God's lovely creation, delightful flowers, little birds, the Magnificat of each creature.

Perhaps my ear is yet too small to hear the praise all things thunder to their mighty God. But I am a baby who loves her Mother's voice. Sing, Mother, and forgive me if in my delight I try to imitate and fail. I know you love me. I want to know nothing but Love.

Sunday, February 10

Today was big and beautiful and exciting, "almost like being in Love." Yes, Mother, Jesus is here, within me, around me, wherever I can look or feel or imagine. Life is so heavenly because HE is our Life, rather our life is His.

Our precious little family came from their cozy Nazareth to visit a vagabond this afternoon. I just knew they'd be here, so as I knelt there on the floor for a little rest I kept one ear perked for the light step of my dear Charlie. 0 what a lovely sight to see her and Mr. St. Joseph enter! The girls were grandma-sitting, and rather disgusted I understand. So they sent me some goodies, a homemade wiener dog, pink elephant sack, elephant valentine, elephant poem. Velma says each time they see an elephant they think of me. Pleasant thought! And there was a letter from my little brother.

And before they left, our dear Velma and Leo said that Father would be in soon. 0 my Mother, always assuaging the hurt of your little one. Even in bidding those little parts of me farewell, I had the consolation of knowing that you were sending the very one to whom you've given my little heart.

And so after the twilight of my Nazareth there stood one in whose smile shines the radiance of the Son. The Light shone in the darkness. Christ bent to absolve a poor sinner, to caress His littlest sister, to tell her that her life must be as His, an apparent failure. 0 how might I desire anything, that isn't His? Never, Mother, never let me desire anything but that which my Jesus desires.

And now our eyes close, to awaken to the dawn of your precious feast. And in your maternal love you've granted me a preview of it's joy in telling me I may go to the conferences my little brother will be giving the next three days at St. Joseph's Hospital here. 0 Mother, thank you!

O holy angels, I come to join your hushed anticipation of tomorrow's feast. My Mother, Immaculate Conception, hold me close.

Monday, February 11

Mother's Day, Again

0 Woman, how glorious is your name! I love you, Mother. 0 but my love is yet so weak and selfish and blind. Jesus does not live here in His entirety. And if You are His little servant girl, to what lengths must I be humbled before I may receive Him and bear Him today. 0 to throw myself upon the ground so that my precious missionary may come and step upon me and thus shout the Gospel of his Jesus further.

To give: woman's greatest need. But to give without limit. To give as you gave to Christ. All for all, that is what you tried to whisper as Father was driving me out for the day at St. Joseph's Memorial. I still remember that friendship is our needs fulfilled. I looked at Father, he who told us today that a man's greatest need is to feel he's needed, a woman's to give. And I saw that ours is the friendship of the angels, true Love. 0 God, 0 Love, how incomprehensible Thy ways.

After the Holy Gospel during Mass Father spoke to us of THE Woman. You, clothed with the Son, you the happiest among women because you're full of Christ. Tell us of happiness, dear Queen. Tell my little brother, tell me, tell each beautiful little soul making this retreat, tell the Sisters upstairs on their beds of suffering, tell the world how happy you are and how happy we might be. And in the distance I hear you again burst forth into song. My soul magnifies the Lord! All my children shall call me happy, and in my happiness shall have their fill.

Then, breakfast over, we went to a large room for discussion of topics Father would assign. Because he tarried I just couldn't help joining my feeble praise of you to his. So I got from our missal the little piece of Lourdes I carry always with me, that little sliver of the very stone on which you stood eighteen times as you brought love messages to your children. And I told them little things you told me at your shrine and let them too kiss the stone I've kissed again and again, the stone on which my Mother's foot rested, that which must suffice till you open the door for me when I go home and stoop to let me kiss your cheek.

Guess Father entered while I was speaking, for when I'd finished he emerged from behind a post with his, "I knew she'd be talking about Mother."

Then Father assigned us topics for discussion in little groups. It was a terrific part of the retreat. I got in my "at home" position on the floor, four other girls joined me there. And we had a wonderful session. This whole group of girls making the retreat was great. On our way home tonight Father too voiced this opinion. He so enjoyed them.

This afternoon Father took me to his room after dinner, and while he rested on the bed I wiggled around on a nice little footstool there. All was silent. Of course it was useless to try to rest, what with all the spasms that persist till finally at night I can exhaust myself enough to fall asleep. 0 but I just sat there to look at my Jesus on His Cross, to see my precious missionary's slight form lying there, getting a rest that usually passes it by. 0 that the rest I cannot get might be his. I'd love to lose all comfort if I might accomplish this. I must give all for All. For he has truly given me All. He has given me Love. And somehow his very little sister wishes to return It. But she is so wretched, a pauper who can never begin to give as she wishes. 0 but what a millionaire vagabond who has God for her Father and Mary her Mother. And They who know her every need care for all her lovers. And so I closed my eyes and knew all was okay.

It was such a thrill to hear my little brother talk of his friend Peter this afternoon. 0 how he loves Peter. How I love him too. He whose "world had to be turned upside down" before he could truly begin to love Christ. And here again I find the Christ in Father Keith, asking me to do the most ridiculous things. Do I not often wonder if he's sure this is right? Just as with Divine Providence, do I not often ask if he's sure this is what He wants of me? Do I not question his prudence, that is, if I feel he has any at all? And yet the more ridiculous the assignment he gives me the more anxiously do I run to accomplish it. I'm sure that Peter will be most understanding when I come spinning to his little gates.

As Father drove me home tonight in little Charlie Bug, I tried futilely to thank him somehow for the most wonderful Mother's day I've ever known. 0 but I listened to my foolish self, the words that could never say what I wished, and suddenly I saw my poverty in even gratitude and what I could no longer finish with words I said with quiet little tears, peaceful tears that knew Christ would give my little brother everything I desired for him. Christ would give Himself.

Tuesday, February 12

Because Holy Mass was scheduled later today, we had our breakfast first thing when I got to the hospital this morning. That dear missionary informed me that I've just given up sugar, just like that. And I did, just like that. It's such a thrill to see the freedom with which he makes these assignments to his littlest sister. I must remain the very least, so that he can never feel that I am left to my own discretion. All these little goodies handed me on a platter by Holy Obedience. 0 thank God for them.

We were to have had our Agape immediately following Holy Mass. But I hid in a little corner and saved the blessed bread. Then after dinner I got to take it with me to Sister Jude and Sister Camilla and have my Agape with them. 0 the mercy of God in letting me know such chosen souls, in letting me find Him so obviously present within them.

Sister Mary Jude, today's Christ stretched out upon His Cross before my eyes. 0 how I love her. We laughed much together, and yet I could see that even laughter was painful for her. And 0 the sympathy, compassion in her eyes as we spoke of many things. Such freedom when one is with her. I'd brought our great big lollipop Father Keith gave his littlest sister last summer. It took the two of us to hold the ridiculous thing up to share with others who came in for Sister's Sonshine.

Then after Sister Camilla had sent someone for me for the third time I decided it was time to go. But I had to pull myself from Love's magnet and promised I'd return for our lollipop as soon as you find me another ride. And somehow I know that you won't let us wait long for the sweets we may share together.

Sister Camilla, another traction fan. We had a lovely visit together, including a fifteen minute nap suggested by that little brother of ours. So we wiggled in silence till we could break into more giggles. I made myself at home on the floor, and each nurse who entered wondered at Sister's new pet. Then it was suppertime, and we truly shared Sister's tray. When one of the girls came for me I was delving into Sister's baked potato and splitting a carton of milk with her. Fine predicament to be caught in. Such a beautifully clean hospital, and here we were sharing the same spoon! Horrors!

The girl was rather perturbed, for she had come to take me to the pizza party to which Father and I'd been invited. Neither of us could eat the stuff, but we accepted readily then wondered just what we'd do when we got there. But that was all taken care of, for the kitchen had sent special trays for the two of us.

This whole experience was a real booster for the two of us. 0 thank you, Mother, for letting us share in it together, for arranging such a lovely Mother's Day surprise for a missionary and his littlest sister. And please let Father continue this work for souls. It is truly inspired. I well know that his great simplicity puts more prudent men to confusion. But though they do not understand him please let them smile at the Child in their midst.

Wednesday, February 13

Just look, Mother, at the multitude of valentines that arrived to greet God's little tramp when she returned from her hour alone with Jesus today. It was as if Jesus kissed me again and again, but then it caused me to ponder even more Sister Camilla's question yesterday, as to whether actions do speak louder than words. I really don't know, and what's more I'm not going to have a breakdown over it. Just so one is IN Love.

There was a lovely card from Ruthie Zimmerer. I've not seen her since last December. Of course I've thought of her often, but not wishing to make myself any more of a pest didn't phone her as I would have liked. But on the card she gave me her number and asked me to do so, and this evening I got to talk to the angel. And guess what, Mother. I get to go to the Valentine's dance at SJA tomorrow evening with her and her family. 0 why am I sitting here telling these wonderful things to a Mother who plans delight after delight for her little children? But though you have done all this for me, yet I'm sure that your maternal smile lights as my angel brings love notes to you each evening. Before Lent you've arranged that I see SME and Ruthie and Rosie and Linda and all the sisters and girls, and CHRIST in all these. 0 Mother, Love truly does such things.

And now, before our goodnight Kiss, may I ask that you take many kisses to your child Hilda. She sobs, her heart aches, for today she learned that her little three-year-old Greg has leukemia. Today you once again presented your little Jesus in her arms, and a doctor named Simeon spoke of suffering. Today, Mother, today, let us focus past Calvary to Easter's dawn.

Thursday, February 14

Another Love Ya Day

Today it is customary to send to those we love greetings to tell them so. So recently I've strewn all the contents of our knapsack, trying to find therein a gift worthy of my beautiful Mother. There was only miserable poverty. And so with tear stained cheeks I turn my face to you. Do you find it here, the one valentine that can delight you eternally? Do you see Christ and magnify your God? Do you hasten to caress in me the little Jesus you held centuries ago? Only then shall I have offered you a valentine. If you will but steady my hands I offer Love NOW.

This morning at our get-together at Pat's we dug beneath the surface to plant here in Kokomo little seeds in the desert. It was such a good day for planting, a day on which we say what we must shout everyday with our lives. I LOVE YOU. I began Pere Voillaume's book with the group. Come Holy Spirit to enlighten our minds to the eternal truths of universal Love therein.

While discussing the beautiful simplicity of Charlie's message to us, I received a lovely valentine gift. For the first time since I've met Jean has she expressed a great freedom and simplicity, the lack of which tried her so when we first met. This happiness has been my greatest wish for the dear friend you've permitted me here. 0 thank you, Mother, for such a wonderful valentine greeting!

Sister Aquinas was here this morning telling me how wrong it is of me to keep going as I do. If only I might make her see some things. Of course I feel yakky at times, these spasms wear me out. 0 but does that mean I'm to sit down and call it quits? I truly don't consider Holy Obedience's commands thus. If I don't love to the hilt TODAY how can I assure myself of another chance? Life is too short and too exciting.

The tragedy is that I seem to please Sister only when I'm ill, when she's got me where she wants me and can play the important role of nursing me back to health. But I never seem to stay down long enough to please her. And then she loses her sense of importance and any kindness she might have shown me. Yet it is most important that I keep going. I thank God for every opportunity to go out among souls and bring His Presence there. I give of myself, my strength, my time, my Love, all the glorious experiences with which God has conditioned me for such a vocation. And I beg that this self I wish to be consumed in the multitudes may be none other than Christ. How else might I serve? I can't imagine another way for me, for there is no other way. Jesus asks that His life be thus in me. 0 the eternal tragedy of refusing! No, I can't refuse. And each obstacle will be only a stepping stone if you but hold my hand. 0 Mother, I love you so!

And this evening you chose to make the Cross above Christ's heart within me bigger and even more glorious. Went to Tipton with Ruthie Zimmerer to see the valentine dance at SJA. It was lovely. Because it was so very late I brought an overnight bag, and Jean said she'd return for me tomorrow afternoon. That would have been such fun, attending Holy Mass and possibly getting in a wonderful visit with SME. But Sister Caroline wouldn't let me stay, giving some flimsy excuse about "if it weren't so late." Actually, that was why I asked in the first place. But deep down I heard your asking me to return here, to somehow enhance the heart I wished to give for today's valentine. And I was 0 so happy. When one is in Love is there really anything to suffer? 0 no, my Jesus has borne all things for me.

Saturday, February 16

Mother, you know how Jesus loved at Nazareth, you who of all God's creatures were most like His Son. Do show me how to love those He has given me, especially those in whom His image is marred by fallen humanity. 0 but He's there. The sanctuary light is 0 so dim, but it is there. Perhaps I cannot even distinguish it, but I know that only death can put it out. And there is nothing to enflame it but my love. 0 but if I feel so distant from these is it not that Jesus' life has not become mine completely? If He truly lives here I shall love these. Please ask that in His exquisite kindness He may once more knock at my door. And whereas before I might have opened it a little to converse with Him, to give Him of my time, of myself, now I wish to fling that door as far as it will open. And there they are, His poor little sheep. Some will come in. And those that don't? I must go to those with my Jesus and carry them 0 so gently. These noisy, bleating sheep. They kick; they're hurt. 0 gentle Mother, show me. The shepherd cannot remain with me without his little ones. And if He in His infinite Wisdom loves them so in spite of their wretchedness, no because of it, who am I to turn from them, I who am one of the ugliest among them? Come poor little ones, let us warm each other and go to our kind master together. We need only go to Him. He dies in longing for us! The path is steep, we are tired, but look, there is our mother. She knows just where He is. And very soon she says we'll be with our Good Shepherd. Let's run after her. See, her eyes turn ever toward Him.

You saw me this afternoon, didn't you Mother? You saw me falter as I showed signs of impatience just because the mail I await wasn't here. And are these little ones to follow me? God forbid! But if Christ becomes my true self then I can run unrestrained and we can frolic to our divine Shepherd.

Monday, February 18

Feast of little Bernadette Soubirous

Ave, ave Maria! See us here this evening, our little hearts burning in the night of our exile and in the flicker you see the smile that clothes our faces. We know you're our Mother. Need we any other reason to sing? And the little tear stains on our cheeks. You wipe them as you whisper Love stories that will become our living fairy tales when we finally come home with Jesus.

Only now have Jesus and I returned from frolicking with our little playmates in Nazareth. Yes, you know how it hurts to be torn from our home town again and again. It seems that one wound is hardly healed when my poor heart breaks again. 0 thank God for this great pain, and for telling me from a glorious Cross: Love does such things!

Jean and Lou went with me for the Day of Recollection in Elwood yesterday. I love that pair so very much and was thrilled that with them I might share in the delights you had planned. When we got to church we had a beautiful welcoming committee: Velma and Leo, and my little brother Keith. 0 such delights! Everywhere I turned I found a face whose eyes said I love you, and I embraced Christ again and again.

Father Keith, busy as he was, took the time to wheel me around the church basement to see everything with him. 0 so priceless are the moments I spend with him. 0 thank you for letting me give to him my entire life, small comparison to the Love he's already showered upon me.

Everywhere we turned there were loved ones to embrace me, and God was our golden link to form our little Trinity of Love. And it with heavenly joy that I greeted Eileen and then our beloved Dorothy. 0 thank God that even they came to show me that the most happiness I can imagine can be increased immeasurably, and though my finite mind cannot imagine anything more heavenly, eternity is waiting for me, and going home will be beyond my wildest dreams.

So absorbed was I with this thought of going home I got hardly anything from the two conferences Father Jaeger gave. I'm sure that Jesus will forgive me, and I feel that He was giving me special little messages all day and know that Father's words weren't wasted from the awe with which my friends heard him. I did overhear the same message God has been giving me for many weeks now, that we're each tremendous. And I know that I can be as great as I've permitted Jesus' life to become mine. So much so that when we give of our most precious treasure, our self, it will be our true identity. It will be Christ.

During the sermon at the evening Mass Jesus let me come to Him to speak of things that yet trouble the poverty of my heart. And then He spoke to me. He asked me to stop looking for results. He asked me simply to BE. To love every soul as He does. If I truly love them I won't try to change them. I'll remember their uniqueness. I'll know that Jesus died of love for each of them. They're tremendous. Never will they be able to receive the degree of Love I wish to give them. Only love them.

And if, like Jesus, I see them turn away, I can follow them with tear-filled eyes and love them to death. Only be their friend, their needs fulfilled. Be with them, pray the prayer they were never taught to say, see that Love in loved in me, and wait for eternity to know why I and not they was given these secrets. Only BE Love to them, always be their Friend Jesus. Just BE.

After Holy Mass we gathered again in the Church basement for a lunch and more wonderful conversations on the topics Father Jaeger had given us. I was right at home on the floor, and was tickled pink when everyone began to decorate me. I looked like a Christmas tree as the idea spread and all our neighbors stuck their name tags to my suit. A visual Mystical Body of sorts, quite "mystical" I guess. But as I look over all these names, even of strangers, I see that even these are so very definitely a part of me. I'm in love with Love, and I love every facet of my dear Jesus' beautiful face. He smiled at me so beautifully in that multitude.

And to crown the day, an invitation from my precious Velma to spend the night in my dear Nazareth. 0 Mother, never in my wildest fancies can I dream of the delights with which you lavish me continually. Last night and most of today I remained there bathed in the peace and Love that pervades each corner of that home that I once called mine, reminding me of the open door that waits for me to come home so very soon, forever. Yes, Mother, I'm coming. Keep calling. Your gentle voice is so soothing. And soon I shall leap into your arms to be carried to Love's bosom. 0 Eternity, I hasten to your embrace!

Tuesday, February 19

A letter arrived today from QUEEN OF ALL HEARTS, from you? Guess Sister Bernadette sent "Mine to Give" when I made a copy for her last Christmas. And it's been accepted by the magazine. It's with mixed feelings that I receive this news. You well know that I sing my songs only for you. And now to publish one. But then maybe you want this tiny piece of your Magnificat to be known by others. And I should wish to prevent your magnifying the Lord with such poverty? Never, Mother. You know that I'm only a little handmaid, and that every gift you lavish on me is for another. So how might I call mine a song that you taught me? Thank you, Mother, for choosing to teach it to other little hearts.

Just as Jesus and I had finished our visit this afternoon Mary Romack entered chapel to take me here for a nice long visit. Thank you for sending her, Mother, for giving me such an opportunity to communicate the joy an hour alone with Jesus had brought. And just a few minutes ago Jean called to say that our get-together is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Our Mother, so saturated by the Spirit of Christ, be with us always. Magnify your God as your little ones lisp their love you's.

Wednesday, February 20

It was decided at our meeting this morning that next week we'll join the Elwood group in their talks, hour of adoration and discussion. 0 thank you, Mother, for permitting this privilege to us. And may we use all such gifts worthily. Velma's even invited me to spend the night in our own little Nazareth. The anticipation of this return soothed the pain of leaving last Monday. If only one night there can seem like such a delight to me, with what Joy might I live each day, knowing that I come ever closer Home. 0 Mother, I run laughing to your embrace.

Was our dear little brother happy today? Was it a special day for him? Somehow I feel sure it was, for I know that you permitted me to get "bit" in the same glorious fashion you permit all things on this little one's path. I got so very sick at our get-together but managed to appear normal till five minutes after Jean and Barbara left me home. You know, Mother, after I've been in such misery I always feel so good to be well again. I just know it's worth everything I give in my wretchedness when at last I get a little relief. That's like heaven, isn't it, Mother? We live these few years in exile to be eternally happy when we get home. Our feeble minds have to grasp what a thing is NOT before they can begin to grasp the eternal reality of God. And God is LOVE. Anything we learn beyond that is useless, and yet in learning to love we've learned the ultimate Truth of life. I throw myself at your feet. Please tell me of Jesus.

Thursday, February 21

Bug's all gone, and strength too. And yet who am I to say whether I've given more today in my nothingness than I've given on those days of heavy correspondence or much visiting or long hours in chapel? Sense of value? I have none. Jesus is our Judge, and not even He until we get home. But on the road? What does it matter? Only to be His little hobo, to be Christ today. Completely abandoned to His every wish. He wishes to be a poor cripple on wheels, He wishes only to smile today, He is tired and so must rest. Live, Jesus!

Betty mailed a package for me to Sister Blanche, the promised book of letters to YOU included. Only a word from Father Keith was enough to know I must send them to Sister, who's requested this often. They are written only for you, Mother, and it's very difficult to give them to anyone other than Father Keith to read. But when I'm permitted to speak with Father, to have a true interpreter of God's Holy Will for me, then I lose all will but Jesus', and together We honor "Our Father." Thy kingdom come!

Friday, February 22

Last night it seemed that Jesus showed me the terrible futility of living without Him, and the simple joy of being a Christian. A little girl, only five, had been hit by a car. She's alive but will remain a cripple, a relative of one of our aides. And the confusion of those souls as they sat there, each aide trying desperately to find consolation and good in such a thing, and yet coming up with nothing better than "Well, I guess it was just to be that way." It seemed the wisest solution to them.

0 the difference between these and Hilda. I spoke with that angel last Sunday morning after Holy Mass. There were tears in her eyes. But they were like those that filled your heart, Mother. Wisdom was there, and tears were only to beautify the gift made to God. They gratefully return their little angel Greg and know that it is 0 so little to give him now and possess him eternally in the bosom of Love.

Today was the feast of Peter's chair. Think this chair will get such honors? It's been through purgatory, to say the least. That silly missionary you've permitted me. Last Sunday he was pondering the fact that Peter could have been a cripple, for he was carried around so much. 0 how I love my little brother! Thank you for him, Mother. When I'm with him, with all those in our little Nazareth, I know I'm just one of that blessed milieu. No handicappers there. Only lovers. So we ALL sit on the floor and LOVE it up.

Saturday, February 23

Began the day in the usual sunny ... I'm so glad Jesus is already there and doesn't wait till Holy Communion to greet me with His good morning Kiss. Otherwise I might find it impossible to render that greeting to others. Of course, I'm always anxious to get started, so sore after a whole night I must rush headlong into a glorious morning to forget that I hurt. And I do anticipate getting up. Everything is so new and fresh and exciting. The whole day alive with surprises. Love does such things!

But Mother, does one of the first surprises have to be such a grouch? I was so very anxious to please this morning I took off the bumpers first thing to make helping me a little more convenient for Virginia. She waited till I had them off, then blew her stack because she prefers me to leave them on. I could have bopped her. But Mother, my heart aches because I know hers does. And I love her, Jesus and me. That's all.

Called Ruthie this morning and was tickled that she can join us in going to Elwood Thursday evening. 0 to share such joys with the world, or at least with everyone possible. To proudly introduce them to my precious little brother Keith, and smile a see-I-told-you-so grin as they hear him speak things I've tried to tell them, quoting in a baby sister fashion. To watch their delight in finding this modern Christ.

Don't think Jesus heard your magnificat tonight in chapel. Did you see what happened, Mother? I was trying to sing MARIA from West Side story. It makes such a beautiful prayer to you. And at the very last note, or squeak, one of the roses at the feet of the Sacred Heart statue simply dropped from the vase. But my voice must amuse our Father. After all, He made it that way.

Sunday, February 24

Hilda and Paul kindly pushed me upstairs after Holy Mass. Praised be God for the beautiful resignation these two joyful souls offer the world's confusion.

During adoration after dinner the idea of sacrifice overwhelmed me, and my little pencil burst out in song when I realized the tremendous priestly office given each of us. I too am permitted to say my Mass! 0 holy angels, hushed before such an ugly creature given such noble privileges, let me join my praise to yours.

And what of this notion that overtook me as I sat before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament this evening? Mother, tell me, are you truly asking me to attempt a Magnificat on paper? Do you still wish of me that book Father Lucien asked me to write a year ago? I shoved it aside, knowing Jesus didn't wish it just then. But why does it return now? Only FIAT, and Jesus lives.

Monday, February 25

Finally news from Joe. Thank you, Mother, for letting us know these things, and sincere gratitude for this beautiful disappointment. No trip to New York. At least, not till May. But I feel that I shouldn't go then either. This has caused so much trouble for poor Joe. Surely something to inconvenience so many is not good.

0 not that even this hasn't been a beautiful expose of the Divine Providence that has planned each intricate second of our lives. The anticipation of this trip has brought joy to me and to countless others who wished to share in this project. And the joy I feel in letting Jesus begin His Passion at the very start of the sacred season that lies at the threshold of our liturgical spiral. 0 thank God for revealing such Love secrets to me, for such a joyous disappointment--His appointment. Here is my first Lenten gift for Father Keith. Wrap it nicely, Mother, and take it to him tonight. Is he happy to receive it? I too am happy. Please tell him so.

Tuesday, February 26

You know, yesterday evening Sister Josepha came in to see if I had any candy and caught me writing to you. Then and again today I was ridiculed. 0 but I know you don't mind my writing you. Of course you know about "things." And yet I'm sure a Mother doesn't mind finding little love notes strewn by a child who loves Her so. There are 0 so many ways of saying I love you. And I'm going to use every one I find!

Tell Jesus I've written Anne-Marie at last, and now it is only a matter of her reply and I shall know if I may become an official member of the Jesus-Caritas family. Jesus knows how long I've been at home with them. And whether I may be the very least among those little sisters, or just the little tramp that gladly takes the multitude of crumbs that fall from Jesus- Caritas to the world, I shall be happy. For I know that in their Love all those little sisters will not ask me to leave their step. And anywhere Jesus wants me, He knows his little hobo will be happy if He's there. I know that this is one lollipop I can always cling to.

Just wrote Father Lucien concerning Jesus' new desire for me, to sing the mercies of God for the world in pecking Our love story on little Anita here. Our hour is come. It's time to raise the curtain from another beautiful love story. And if it should delight no man, I know that God will be glorified. To write the beautiful NOW my Jesus' life in mine. The past is gone. Only its shadows are left to enhance the present. And the future? Now begins that tremendous Eternity. Now is heavenly, for Jesus lives in a wheelchair and begs to be lifted up so that He may bless the world. And somehow, in the shadow of my Mother, my soul magnifies the Lord.

Ash Wednesday, February 27

Today Holy Mother Church reminded us that we are but dust. 0 how thrilling were these words Father spoke to me as he placed that Lenten reminder upon my brow. I was thrilled by the thought that Jesus loved this little heap of mud to death, that He flung Himself joyfully upon a tree to die because He knew that I and the poorest of our aides and the weakest of our patients and the most burdened of our Sisters are so precious to Him. All life's riddles find their solution in the folly of the Cross. Only Love itself could make it so. 0 to make Love loved during this sacred season. How I anticipate this Lent. 0 to sit at the foot of the Cross, and in the silence to hear each drop of Precious Blood fall into the chalice of my hands. To let not one drop go to waste. To drink the Chalice of Christ to the dregs, the Chalice that His precious lips have caressed he offers me. Thank you, Christ. 0 thank you!

Among today's goodies was a letter from Sister Blanche. There were two P.S.'s that exceeded the note. How very grateful I am to have finally met that little darling of Christ. Sister sent me the little poem that I fell in love with last October when Sister Bernida gave me a copy. Sent it to Mary Joan, and now here's another one to share with those I love. It goes:

Beautiful, isn't it, Mother? You know, if you help me, we'll show 'em! Let's shout with my life the good news that God is my Father too. Let every happy little bird and every lovely white lily know that Our Father knows every unruly hair on my head, that He loves my nothingness so much that He chooses to be born, to suffer and to reign TODAY in my frail humanity. 0 little birds, if you sing to Him how much more ought I to chirp His praises!

Sunday, March 3

Once more a little sparrow comes to your feet to chirp of a weekend that God had planned in His eternal Thought, of crumbs with which you feed me daily. And though you smile that I should tell you these things, yet I know that my delight makes you happy because you're my Mother.

Did you see me Thursday evening as I entered that little town you've given me for Nazareth? I just know that this will be mine when I sneak through heaven's gates. But there will be one difference. I shall know that it's Elwood forever. It's 0 so close. I'm goin' home!

We got to the church just as the group was beginning their holy hour. And afterwards we went to the hospital cafeteria for discussion. During Holy Hour Jesus invited me to speak with Him in the confessional. 0 beautiful Providence that arranges these meetings just when they're needed, not every week, not when I think they're necessary, but just when they're needed. And I asked Jesus about the silence I practice so miserably.

As I must love those here at home, so must I simply BE among the Charlies. Yes, I have a compelling desire to communicate the tremendous joy Christ brings. It is a marvelous privilege and necessity to communicate. But I must always leave my friends knowing that I could have given more. I must not give TOO much, simply to fulfill my need, but only enough to fulfill the needs of others. It is a great accomplishment, a great gift, to BE, without the satisfaction of knowing I've done something. Just to be a very little sister, loving each little one, seeing that each is so lovable, to love on his level and not to dream of changing him. To love each just like Jesus. To learn to waste time on these, just as I "waste time" before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Christ is behind the ugliest scowl as well as behind the poorest of tabernacle veils.

During our discussion after adoration something Pat said struck me hard. 0 how you must love that child, Mother. And I do too, rejoicing that she too is my sister. She expressed amazement at God's goodness in permitting us to give Him something. "I make up for the sufferings of Christ." That the Sacrifice of Calvary won our Redemption is true, and yet that sacrifice is not yet accomplished. Jesus gave His all, and yet He left something undone, something that only I can accomplish. And were I to fail Christ's Sacrifice would not be complete. Such a tremendous Lover is Christ to see that could we give Him nothing, had we no way of expressing our love for Him, we'd fall into terrible despair. In His boundless kindness He has humbled Himself to become dependent upon ME to save the world. 0 God, how great and humble your ways with me!

The gang of us went to my little home, and there we sat, love songs bursting from our hearts to plant in the darkness of exile brilliance of the stars. At last I spoke with Kiki. Only two minutes, others visiting all around us, and yet we received just the time we needed to communicate our love. She took my hand in hers and told me how I, a mere stranger, have been an inspiration to her in the terrible battle she's fought as a result of last year's injuries. And I smiled to know that Jesus lives, that in spite of the multitude of imperfections with which I might have dulled His brilliance, the light of her faith could find Him still. And again you and your little one magnified such Love.

When the others had gone, only the incense of their hearts suspended there to glorify God, Velma and I sat together before the Sacred Heart Enthronement. Happiness, there it was, and is. 0 thank God for such delights. Only to find Christ. That's all it takes. And I've found Father Keith and know as I could never have known before that Jesus lives and loves me. No wonder I'm finding it so very difficult to adjust to the Lenten season. I've found Christmas and shall never let it go. 0 I know that Lent shall come again. But the memory of Christmas is so strong I feel it can last a lifetime, were Baby Jesus never to smile again, the memory of Christ's Mass in my heart should suffice till our glorious Easter.

Dick took me to Holy Mass on First Friday, and when we left the church there was a fluffy blanket of snow to tell me I might spend another whole day with those I love in Jesus-Caritas. So all day I played Velma's shadow, crawling behind her from one room to the other as she fulfilled her duties, chattering away, two little ones in love.

Queen came that evening with Father's tape recorder, and the voices of her happy family to delight us. She played certain cuts she thought might be of interest. But when she'd gone I played the entire tape, bathing in the love that family portrays. And the "small talk" was just as tremendous as the most exquisite speech on the tape. Just another glimpse of heaven. There's 0 so much to anticipate.

Come Saturday morning there was a very empty feeling that comes each time I must miss Holy Mass. 0 but YOU knew how it hurt, didn't you, Mother? And so you let my precious little brother call, first to invite me to stay another night in our dear Nazareth to be with Dorothy and Eileen today, then to say that JESUS WAS COMING TO ME. 0 God, I love you! To think that because I had to surrender one Holy Mass He should humble Himself to come to me! With what Joy I anticipated His arrival. And Faith became vision for those minutes I held Him 0 so close. I got to receive Him on my knees, first time in many years. And with me knelt Velma and Father Keith, right at my side. There was one Christ loving Himself in our silence. And those I greet in receiving Him here at home were there before my eyes. And there were others there, millions of souls, one Christ loving Himself eternally. A peek at heaven. Thank you for it, Mother.

I started getting so very ouchey yesterday. Speaking of poverty, mine's in positions at present. You should see these poor football knees. And my bottom has never been so sore. So I just keep alternating positions and pillows. 0 such a silly gift, and yet I'm sure you'll use it well for my missionary. So let's thank God together for sore knees and bottoms.

The puddle running from this chair to the communion rail at Holy Mass this morning wasn't just snow. 0 Mother, how it hurt to see what happens each Sunday, what Msgr. Hammes has done to Father Keith since October. 0 how Father must be yearning to take the pulpit again, to speak the love messages that practically burst his heart. But instead we listen to some unintelligible tale of donuts and ladies' underwear. Don't let Father suffer. Don't forget that's what baby sisters are for.

My dear Velma took me to meet the "gang" at the hospital. That hospital has become so precious to me. Yet no one could have convinced me of its beauty when I was forced to live there those two terrible months of my senior year. Time changes so very many values, but only Eternity finds true worth.

Velma got to stay for our conference on Prayer. I was so tickled with the subject. Velma and I'd discussed it quite a lot this weekend. Father spoke of Merton's great book SEEDS OF COMTEMPLATION. I just began rereading it the other day. Contemplation, the development of our roots. We're little vines on Charlie's tree. We must develop so that other little vines might one day cling to us. To relax, to draw within ourselves. 0 Mother, you know what that word relax means to me. It's just a command, thrown to me by all kinds of helpful people, never to be fulfilled. The flesh is indeed weak. 0 but Father said that every Christian is called to be a contemplative. Can muscle spasms pull me from being another Christ? Even Jesus had them on the Cross, and that was His greatest hour. Here I kneel at your feet. Mother, teach me to pray.

There followed an hour of adoration. One of the Sisters came up and offered to take me out of chapel. She thought I was asleep. That's what I get for trying to relax. But when the others had left I breathed a sigh of relief and got to the floor before my Eucharistic Lover. Thank God for these brief moments when I can be just little old me before Him, just sit at His feet, nothing else.

Julie and Eileen returned and were alarmed to find the empty wheelchair, then spied me there. Julie sat there with me a while. I'd wanted to see her very much, and so in the Presence of our beloved Spouse we chatted.

I was permitted to attend the Review of Life, then Father took me to supper in the hospital cafeteria. Father was humming "Goin' Home" as we moved along in his little bug to Kokomo. 0 Mother, you know I can hardly wait. That's why you let me stick my big toe in the door now and then, why you let me return for a little while to the Nazareth I discovered at last, why you permit these little jaunts with the Christ to whom you gave my heart. Just before he bid me goodbye Father turned my little Jesus upside down in His shrine. Guess he's trying to help me get into the spirit of Lent. I still feel so Christmasy it's funny. Guess I've had so very many Lents in my life that now that I've at last experienced the joy of Christmas I cannot forget it. And yet it is because there were these Lents that Christmas is so very glorious. There has been the Mass for so very long. But now there's CHRIST.

Monday, March 4

May God be praised for the lovely gift He sent last night. It seems He'll go to any length to prove His love, even to catching Sister Aquinas and me in the elevator, pulling us from one floor to the other till finally we got so used to being there we delved into a beautiful conversation and almost forgot where we were.

Communication. Thank God there is still such a thing for Sister. First of all, in the fun of the ride I hugged Sister. 0 how often I might have done this before. How could I realize that this affection was that for which she so hungered? For immediately she expressed a fear that I don't like her. I've shown her coldness? 0 Mother, I have, and simply because I thought it would please her more. You know how I've longed to do something for her. But in my anxiety I ran from the very coarse I should have taken. I saw how my happiness irritated her, and so I no longer shared it with her. And when this happened there was nothing left, nothing else to give. So I went silently along, avoiding unnecessary words or occasions to upset her. 0 how very selfish of me to wish to avoid scenes, when in the end I've hurt her so. Tell Jesus how sorry I am that I didn't let Him love her as He wished within me. But His love is here. Enflame it today, and beg God that it never burn so feebly again.

Once again the mailman brought delights for a little hobo. There was a note from my precious Sister Blanche. And there was a letter from my great friend Father Lucien, just packed with encouragement as he alone can give it to me. 0 how I love to receive his messages. Simple little stories that reveal God's eternal wisdom. And yet he well knows that we children can understand it only through melodious fairy tales.

Tuesday, March 5

Here on our messy little desk lies a lovely letter from Dorothy, the first delight with which Our Father thrilled His little hobo today. It's an invitation to come to the Joseph-Martin house next week, before Anne-Marie and Margot arrive. 0 Mother, I'm so excited. Dorothy and Eileen both work, so that means days alone with Jesus. And I can take Anita [her typewriter]. Then evenings we can visit. I've longed for some time with these two, particularly Dorothy, and now we can have it before the exciting visit of our other sisters. Now, Mother, to find a way. I just know you've got that all planned too, and so here's a big fat thank you kiss right now.

Hilda called this afternoon to say that little Greg was home. He was sitting in the kitchen right then, eating cookies and drinking milk. And Hilda was "Happy down to her toes." 0 thank God for her happiness. It is mine too in the communism of Christ.

Thursday, March 7

Today's Sister Aquinas' feastday, Mother, but you've made it such a special one for me too. 0 thank you. Ever since Sunday night "things" have changed; such a happy relationship you've fashioned for Sister and me. Please God that I never do a thing to make it otherwise again.

Received Anne-Marie's letter to her sisters today. As for JCF membership, that awaits Jesus' word through Margot. Only let Jesus be happy. His little hobo will go to the ends of the earth for that.

Friday, March 8

That dern Julie! Just as we were getting ready for bed last night she called. She asked if I'd like to know what I'm gonna do this weekend. THIS weekend? Yes. Okay, what? Well, tomorrow morning, around nine, Julie will be here to get me.

Far as I can figure out, Anne-Marie phoned Dorothy yesterday to say that she and Margot would be in Fort Wayne this weekend, today. Dorothy called Julie to tell her to bring "Virginia and some blankets", for Anne-Marie won't be coming to Elwood. While Julie was giving me a buzz, Father Keith was calling Dorothy back to say Julie and I'll be there Saturday morning, and he'll join us Sunday. I can just imagine the nerve-racked telephone operators after all this.

So now, I suppose you want me in Fort Wayne tomorrow morning. Did I get the message straight? Hope so. Golly, Mother, it's confusing, but it's such fun to be your little hobo.

And in Fort Wayne Margot will tell me Jesus' wishes as regards joining the Institute. You told Him this step is only for His pleasure, didn't you? So whatever Margot says, I know He'll be happy, and then me too.

Sunday, March 10

"I am resolved to know nothing but Jesus Christ, and Him crucified." As I sit here this evening, of all the goodies on our bulletin board these words shout Love to me. Happy, joyful Lent, my poor little soul. Love Him madly. Eternity won't be long enough.

Let me tell you all about our weekend, Mother dear. 0 not that you don't know each detail of Providence's perfect plan. But you see, I'm just a child, unable to distinguish just which events might be most pleasing to Our Father. You say He loves all of them? Then do give Him each precious second.

Wasn't I silly Saturday, AM? That dern Julie was two hours late, so I determined to do simply nothing in waiting for her. Must learn to "waste time," as Father Keith says. Just simply to place myself in an awareness of Christ and remain there. A thousand little tasks to perform, and yet to be Mary, to choose the better part and let nothing take it from me. I can do this easily before the Blessed Sacrament and am learning to do this with others. But yesterday I found Christ sitting here on a cold floor. 0 God nothing can separate us! I adore Thee now and forever.

Poor Julie. Just as when she took me to Ft. Wayne last summer, so again this time she had a flat tire. Betcha I'll have to hitchhike with someone else next time. You'll reimburse her, won't you, Mother?

It was such a thrill to see Anne-Marie once more, to greet Dorothy and Eileen, to meet our own Margot. Poor Dorothy had a bug, but God is glorified in even these little pests. For while the others went to church after lunch for their hour of adoration I stayed home with Dorothy. And there we were, alone at last and able to talk together as I had always wished. 0 yes, we had our adoration, adoring the Christ that came within our midst as we shared Jesus-Love. When our sisters returned they asked if we'd had a good hour. With a smile I said it had been wonderful. And it had. Then they confessed that all of them had fallen asleep in the overheated chapel. At the height of contemplation, asleep at His feet, or delighting in the Christ adoring His image in two poor little souls, who has the wisdom to say which of us might glorify Our Father more?

Father Jaeger asked Dorothy to call Father Keith to ask him to bring a certain film strip, which, incidentally, he didn't bring after all. 0 thank you, Mother, for fixing just another delight. Dorothy let ME call him. Just to speak with him for a couple minutes is a treat. How I cherish the thought of eternal communication when we get to heaven. But heaven is today. Jesus lives. Lord, that I may see. Father asked if I was sitting passively in the midst of so many dear ones. That silly guy. He'll just have to learn that baby sisters babble often. But I think he already knows, and though he seems horrified at some of my pranks he's rather amused by them. He loves anyway. 0 thank God for his Love!

Father was to have gone on some rather important business when we finished talking, a marriage tragedy. And so my legs ached all night. 0 Mother, such a joy to have been told that we had a special assignment just when there was something special to give. Mother, knowing my weakness you'll go to any degree to cover it, won't you? Let me embrace you. Never let me go.

This afternoon, when our friend Father Keith arrived there were with him Velma and Leo and Myrna Haulk. Praised be the God Who fashioned angels for His beautiful earth.

While Dorothy and Eileen took Anne-Marie and Margot to the plane, Father and Leo got some hamburgers from a nearby drive-in. That dear brother of mine, everything on a paper in the center of the living room floor. Then we dived in. It was such fun. Father's childlike simplicity is so powerful that when we're with him we seem to absorb it and find ourselves at the height of delight in the pranks of our very little brother. No wonder God says He likes kids. Father kindly brought me back to Good Sam. When I told Anne-Marie farewell she said that he would tell me the news for which I've held my breath for days. So I could hardly wait to get into the car with him.

Then Christ spoke: "Little hobo, I love you. If you know this you will be thrilled at the news I speak through your dear Father Keith. You may not join the Secular Institute. Margot considers you yet very young and immature, and you ARE. You know that. And because I love you immeasurably I'll tell you also that Margot is wary because you're a handicapper. Now, that kinda shakes you up, doesn't it? Only lean hard, little one. You are so very weak not to stand erect under this. And yet because you must lean upon this shoulder that bears the burden of the world I love you dearly. How else might I caress you, you who in your strength might find such delight in my creation wouldn't tire enough to let me play with your locks?

"Yes, child, they didn't let you speak. They sat to judge you behind closed doors. But who wishes to be bothered with the lisps of a silly little girl? How could you defend yourself? You don't even know yourself, for I am your true Self. And you know yet so little of Me. 0 lean here. And listen. I have eternity to teach you. Won't you stay?

"You know, you and this little go cart are mighty heavy. And just think of all the days of recollection, retreats, etc. in which only mortals would be asked to care for you. I know you don't wish to hurt them. 0 please don't hurt me by your tears. I love you. Need I say anything more? Convents can't take you, now even here your CP forbids you entrance. Keep going. I'm with you. Look around. See this great earth? It's your convent, your family, your heaven. Will you refuse this? What about your security? I just stepped on it? That's what this thing [neck brace] is around your neck, something to help you raise your head high. Look up. See. Great, glorious eternity. Run. I'm holding the Cross. You have nothing to bear. Only follow me. You can't see Easter's dawn for the big hill before you. It's called Calvary. I too have gone there. I am the WAY. Love your Jesus. He loves you."

And Mother, Father Keith added a PS I think was meant for you. "Thank you for the gifts."

Monday, March 11

See Charlie's picture hanging behind me, Mother? I'm so very happy to have it there, just one more reminder that I do have a family. Perhaps Jesus doesn't wish me to "belong" to any one specific group. He simply wants me to let Him BE wherever I am. In my selfish groping for security I often forget that I already possess Christ and am possessed by Him. He is happy? I am too, 0 so happy because I'm falling into the bottomless chasm of Love with Christ.

"All my plans turn out to be mere bits of paper." But these papers, strewn over God's earth by a little one, are gathered by her Mother. 0 please use them to feed the flames of Jesus-Caritas!

Tuesday, March 12

Only a tiny note tonight, Mother, and yet I know that you receive it as you would receive the most terrific news Divine Providence can foster. Because of all the miracles with which God clothes us, Love, Himself, is the ultimate. And I LOVE YOU! He does such things.

Wednesday, March 13

Steve served our Holy Mass this morning. Guess he's been home a couple days with his family. And little Greg? Today many people donated blood to replenish the supply at Riley's. 0 how I wish I could have been one of them. Is this desire not acceptable? May the Precious Blood of Christ flow continually on that dear family offering its sacrifice at the summit of Calvary with you this Lent.

A couple days ago little Greg sneaked from his crib, and, unable to walk, crawled to the kitchen where his mommy was working. His reply to her startled expression: "I can't walk, but I can crawl like a puppy dog." 0 Christ, no wonder You made Your kingdom exclusively for kids.

My dear little sister Dorothy wrote me. How I cherish her letter. Remember when I saw the tears in her eyes Sunday morning and told her that I too had cried at Holy Mass, wishing so very much that she could be there? Well, those tears were for ME. She knew even then, only in observing Margot, that I wouldn't be accepted into Jesus-Caritas. Thank God for her Love.

"Things" seem so beautiful today. Must be the Sonshine you send your little hobo. To be just that, a little hobo for Jesus, like Jesus. Never to belong anywhere, so that I may bring Him everywhere. To have no earthly home so that heaven may shine in its true splendor. To be a mere child, scorned by the wise, so that Jesus will invite me to His open arms. To be a little child, tossed into the air by our heavenly Father, laughing with delight because I know that He will catch me. Father, I abandon myself into your hands, with boundless confidence, with the certainty of hope.

Thursday, March 14

Jean giggled at me today for my comment on Margot's refusal: "Fiat, darn it!" Because I'm your little child I know you'll hide the last part from the FIAT you bring Our Father for me.

When Barbara brought up her concern this morning that she was accomplishing nothing in our group and felt that she must not belong, she seemed rather relieved at the idea of only becoming. This whole thing is so very hard for these ladies who have been raised in the American concept of go, go, go. And so very few of them are ready for the communication Jesus-Caritas brings. But those few are beginning to grasp it, and the others keep tagging along, so afraid they might miss something. And I'm just sure they who take the time to gather with us in Jesus-Love do not leave without some little morsel perhaps even they don't realize they take, some little seed that, showered in Love, might sprout some day. Please ask Jesus to live on these wheels that He may be the dew of Friendship to parched souls.

Mary Romack joined us once again. This is so very good for Mary, and she receives all with the joy of new discovery. Do let her be with us often.

Did you see me with little Kevin? We had such fun together. Perhaps Margot was right about my immaturity, more correct than I first supposed. She would have shuddered at my request to join JCF if she could have seen me on the floor wrestling with Kevin. And then playing in the egg salad. Kevin and I both had a spoon and giggled at each other's messy face. Life is truly wonderful, if only we can remain children; if we can laugh and sing and wiggle for joy.

Friday, March 15

When Sister Raphael entered our little room this morning she seemed rather surprised to see Charlie's picture. She asked what I had done with the picture I had there of you. I told her it's in our room upstairs, and as she left I was quite surprised to hear, "I'd like you to put the Blessed Mother there instead."

It hurt, Mother. You know how I love my dear Charlie's picture right there to share with all my friends. It meant so very much. But now I must hide him. Holy Obedience take away even the little pleasures I found in decorating this Fraternity for those I love. Holy Poverty takes even the wall I thought I might USE. And chastity asks another surrender to a tremendous Lover. And Little Sister Ginny sings because her little Jesus smiles.

Awoke from a nap this afternoon to find that Dick Romack was bringing me a letter from Mary, special delivery. And it was a doozey, concerned the trip for handicappers to Washington, DC. come this June. She had phoned Mrs. Axson in Indianapolis last night concerning me.

Mrs. Axson said that I needn't worry about a companion, that there would be a nurse to accompany me and another girl. There are over forty signed up so far, about half the handicappers CP's. Sounds great for contacts, friendships, fun.. There would be chances to sneak out early in the morning for Holy Mass and Adoration. And maybe a visit to the Little Sisters and to your lovely Basilica. Ooo!

Saturday, March 16

During breakfast this morning Virginia was in the kitchen too. And suddenly she was handing me a dollar bill, just for spending money. Now Mother, it's not this gift that thrills me, but the kindness of this act. Just lately Virginia's been showing me little niceties, whereas before she was always so cold. And yet I know that Sister Aquinas has suffered much because of this poor, lonely soul and is presently considering replacing her. 0 Mother, somehow take care that this doesn't happen. Let Love blossom in poor Virginia's heart, so that it may overflow in her work and thus she'll be permitted to keep this job she needs more than most people realize. I just know you'll take care of it, for she too is your very own child and you love her dearly. Tell her tonight, Mother.

Today was Mary's last day in the kitchen, and she was so cute about it. She fixed everything special on my tray, all my favorites. And for both dinner and supper she saw to it I got cherries and ice cream. She promised to remind Cris of our treats now and then and thinks she'll sit right next to me so I can whisper if there's anything I don't get. I dearly love Mary and feel that she'll be tremendous working with the patient instead of in the kitchen. She'll have everyone spoiled rotten. Already whenever the patients hear her around they begin ringing their bells and calling her name. 0 thank God that they will receive some of her TLC.

Sunday, March 17

It's a great day for the Irish. Bless them, Mother, each and every one. There's Joe, the O'Malleys, Grams, our Sisters, Stinky, Pat Hutcheson, Father Jim.

And my own Father Keith. Keith Patrick Hosey. Remember, I'm the one you put on "KP" duty last August, and I'm 0 so happy. Perhaps if I keep practicing you'll let me stay here always. I'm just a very little sister, so useless. 0 but I can suffer for him. My tears, they're so little and salty and hot, and yet I see you catch each one. The mere drop into your hand changes them to little gems. And I see you weaving with them a crown for him, my brother.

Monday, March 18

"Prayer and love are learned in the hour when prayer has become impossible and your heart has turned to stone." These words of Merton fell as dew upon my poor heart today. 0 Mother, simply to wish to pray, to wish to love, is this not all Jesus asks? Forcing from His sacred Body the last breath of His mortal life, He threw Himself upon the bosom of His Father. And it was ended, the end of all ending, the Deed of God, eternal, magnificent act of Love Itself. 0 sacred hour today, when Christ whispered in recesses too deep to know waves tossed by a storm, "This is My Body." His Mass forever in a host ground from a thousand grains of selfishness. 0 Christ, be my Self!

Finally your picture has been put back where Sister wants it. I cried in placing it there. 0 Mother, there are no pictures worthy of you. Each one I see is such a disappointment. What mortal could draw that which eternal Wisdom fashioned? The Woman from which almighty God fashioned His Sacred Humanity. 0 to be a "picture of my Mother!"

Tuesday, March 19

May we too join our hearts in the Feastday celebrations you planned for dear St. Joseph today? How little Jesus must have gazed on your quiet, virile spouse at Nazareth and loved him. And I can just see the twinkle in his eye as he explained some old tool to your growing Teenager. And you in the doorway, watching a Creator learn to build a table before calling Him to supper. 0 the great Faith that saw in such an ordinary Son your God.

Wednesday, March 20

Mrs. Axson's reply came today. 0 Mother, here, please take this entire thing in your hands. Here I sit trying to piece things together, somehow to learn God's Holy Will in it. And yet the splendor of Providence's design is too brilliant for a little child's eyes.

Are you asking me to give a week of my spiritual life for a pleasure trip? Only one Holy Mass, on the Sunday we're in Washington? No side excursions, such as visits to the Little Sisters and your Basilica? No time alone, three or four to each room?

Yet do you still wish me to go? Would my not going hurt my generous benefactor here in town? Or could he see how much I'd have to pay to join this tour? Do you wish to transform this trip from an unforgettable opportunity to witness things that have made our nation great into a tremendous chance to give up every consolation I have for eight days? Does my little brother need such a sacrifice? If so, shove me to it. Must I explain my sleeping problem again and again, to handicappers rooming with me, those who are truly crippled who may be making their last journey before Heaven? But I remember how my little brother Charlie had to go without the Holy Sacrifice for months, how he was so consumed by the crowds that he could not say his prayers, and I beg strength and light to see what a true Little Sister would do. What would Jesus do? I think maybe He'd let another handicapper take His place on the tour.

But what child could make such a decision? This is something only my Mother can do. Thank you!

Friday, March 22

Greetings Mother! I love you, I love you, I love you, so there.

It seems that you've finally accomplished a certain task here in Kokomo you've been working on steadily for a long time. I saw your intervention quite clearly when yesterday morning at Jean's Barbara announced that the group felt a great need for a change.

So here goes Jesus-Caritas at last. For 0 so many in the group are incapable of the spiritual communication we've been trying to attain. Guess you made me see that this is a tremendous gift not given to all. For instance, the last issue of Jesus-Caritas on JOY was tremendous, so much so that I ordered a year's subscription for each member of the coffee club here, and now I learn that not half of them were capable of reading the booklet. Do forgive my imprudence, Mother. Guess I want to take goodies you've made especially for me to all the kids in the neighborhood. I forget that this might not be their favorite just because it's mine, that you've made other goodies better suited to their tastes.

It's just beautiful the way you've arranged things now so that all your children might be happy. Remember how Jean's been asking for smaller groups? And Lou wants one so bad you can SEE each time something's mentioned about it. Well, we're almost ready for some real communication for we've got our group. Barbara asked if we might go back to the original idea of the coffee club, a somewhat social gathering for these ladies. Then those who wish to delve deeper into spiritual values can have their own little get-togethers.

Sounds great! The coffee club will meet every other week as they used to. We'll all go to these meetings, just for the fun of chatting, etc. Then on the remaining Thursdays, Jean, Lou, Norma and Mary will join to communicate on Jesus-Love. Sounds like you've chosen so wisely, Mother. O how much deep spirituality Jean has to offer us. And that Lou, she's a little child squealing with delight as she discovers all the delights on the way to Jesus. Norma a silent but most interested companion. And Mary, this is just the thing she needs. Did you see her leaving our last three meetings? She beams with an almost different face. There's a sanctuary lamp in her eyes.

When everyone but Mary had left, Jean was mowing the flourishing crop God put on the top of me. When Jesus says that Our Father cares for me I know it's true. It would take a lot of attention to count each of these hairs separately. Mary, Jean and I had lunch together, then I got to call my dear Velma, and soon there I was at Nazareth once again to celebrate "our" day with my beloved little Charlie.

Yes, Mother, it was a year ago today that you let me meet her. Remember that day of recollection at Tipton? It seems so very near, like yesterday, and then again it seems a lifetime away. Julie introducing me to two of her friends. Our little chats in my room between times. Little Velma sitting there, a silent observer, and yet my heart told me words were shouted as our eyes met and we smiled. And in four days I was in her arms being invited to have a family for a whole summer. Only Love could accomplish such miracles.

And this year you made it truly another day for recollection. Only being there, crawling at her heels as my precious Charlie did a Martha's work while exchanging secrets of a Mary's heart. Laughing because we two apparent opposites share 0 so much in Jesus-Love. Going to "our" corner to sing. Maria, Maria, Maria! Together this morning to feast at Christ's Sacred Banquet. Please tell her I love her. Tell her tonight and always what she will discover alone when we go to our eternal Home.

Father Keith told Velma he'd bring me home from Holy Mass this morning. So I got to stay there with Jesus as Father took Him to some who could not come to His house. Then Christ offered to speak to me in the confessional. He always knows just when I need the assurance of His voice in Holy Obedience. Always.

Christ doesn't think the trip to Washington wise. From the spiritual point of view, it would be a tremendous opportunity to broaden my apostolate of Jesus' Friendship. This is sufficient reason to ask me to surrender all the blessed consolations usually lavished upon me in the Holy Sacrifice, prayer, etc. But physically this does not appear to be His Will. If I feel just this way then, and this in quite unpredictable, the travel would be rather imprudent. And I must take care so that I may give myself at my best to Jesus-Caritas.

He knows how poorly I travel, though I am such a hobo. Long distances, especially by train, would be very taxing. And even this wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the daily tours when we get there. If I were feeling quite well at the time of the trip, there is the risk that what I might have to pay [in terms of strength] might take me from my work at home long after my return.

Now, Mother, you will help me tell Mary Romack, won't you, the kind friend who wishes to send me for these pleasures? If only I didn't have to hurt others! But Holy Obedience has spoken and I know that I am not to go. Perhaps this whole thing came about to show me how very weak I am. I always hurt those I love. 0 Mother, tell my Jesus to let me hurt with Him. This one thing He kept for Himself when He'd given all else, clothing, friends, even His precious Mother, He kept this for me. Accipio!

See how Father Keith redecorated our room? Though I'm kinda chicken to think of what Sister Raphael will say, I'm tickled pink to see Charlie back in his spot. When I enter the room, there he is to greet me with his smile. He says, "Welcome! Christ is here." And I know He is.

Saturday, March 23

Did you hear our Mary today, Mother? Sounds like she's got a vocation to be a Catholic. She spoke so openly with me this morning. She knows I love her very much. And do you notice the kindnesses with which she constantly showers me, and the other patients? She's a lover. The other aides are kinda irritated. They keep scolding her for "spoiling" the patients. More power to her! What they say to her won't change her. Never. Thank God for this ray of sunshine that delights my brothers and sisters in their twilight years,

Sunday, March 24

Today, right in the midst of Lent, Holy Mother Church tells us to rejoice. Christ is on His Way to fulfill His mission. With what great yearning does He desire to mount the throne of His Cross, to fling His arms wide enough to embrace the world! And here is a very little sister and her Mother right at His heels. The hour is fast approaching. 0 that God would hasten it!

What were you doing on this evening nearly two thousand years ago, as all nature lay hushed in thrilling anticipation of the morrow? Were you washing dishes? Or maybe reading aloud at your mother's feet? "And His name shall be called Wonderful." Or maybe you'd already retired so that you might rise with the sun to greet the majesty of your God. Or maybe, just maybe, you were scratching a little love note to place where your mother would find it just before she retired. And you knew she would smile, so happiness lit your face as you wrote, "Goodnight, Mother."

Monday, March 25

0 my Mother, We love you, little Jesus and I! And angels sing to hear an eternal Fiat escape man's lips. What is man? GOD IS MAN!!! And now man may become deified. 0 nature's solitary boast, thank you! Because you've consented to be the Mother of such a wretched child, Christ is here.

Christ! To what lowliness have You bowed. You've become as nothing. You've asked Her for a body that will be beaten, blood that will be spilled, a soul that will cry to God in the profound anguish of abandonment, divinity that will be stripped of all save the wood on which it will fling itself. "While all things were in quiet silence, Your almighty Word leapt down" to begin His Mass. May mine begin thus? Here I am, His little servant girl.

Everything today seemed to welcome Him. As I peeked out the chapel window your blue shone in the sky. Little birds chirped a happy song. A clean clear breeze gently kissed my cheek as it scurried by. And I could see why Christ should love this earth so much as to make it His abode. I love it too, and perhaps in happy freedom I can let Jesus enjoy all these wonders again. I could hardly explain today's lesson on the Holy Eucharist in quieting my heart that kept singing in awe at His promise to be with us always.

Tuesday, March 26

When Virginia got me up this morning I let her know that I knew she's to leave us the 6th. And I asked her to get me up a few minutes early so that we might have a little time together. Now, Mother, do tell me what to say to her. Only you could know how deep is the hurt I see in her heart. Only you know the words that might soothe her. In the tremendous love of your Mother's heart, do tell a little child what you wish to say.

And our Mary. She announced this morning that she'd be sending her son to the Catholic school as he wishes this fall. And this summer I get to give her instructions. She talked with Father yesterday. Praised be Love!

Sister didn't come to take me to chapel this morning, and sure enough she's down with the bug. I know it must hurt her to have to remain in bed, and I y