Editor's note: In volume two of her "Letters," Virginia recounts her struggles as she leaves the one and only home she has ever known and moves into Good Samaritan Nursing Home in Kokomo, Indiana, usually referred to as "Sam." That was to be her home base for the remainder of her short life. In Kokomo she begins to make new friends, chief among them are Jean Black and Ruthie Zimmerer, who become very close friends. With the approval and encouragement of its members, Virginia works to transform a church "coffee club" into a Jesus-Caritas type fraternity.

A. J. P. M.

[Ad Jesum per Mariam]

Wednesday, September 5, 1962

Day with My Missionary

O Mother dear, what a way to begin my second book of letters to You. I just gave the first to Father Keith today. As you well know, I just couldn't bear to give these letters to anyone else, but I do want my missionary to share in all that I do for him, just as I am now able to be his partner in spreading the love of Christ in the Gospel to all "our" people. I thank God each second for permitting this union between us and then I offer the joy of that second for Father Keith. Please take this tiny Charlie heart, so full and yet so frail, and fill it with your joyful Magnificat till it can overflow before the throne of God. And may God Almighty smile and bless my missionary through the tears of his little sister.

Once again this morning was I deprived of Holy Mass and the reception of my Beloved in the most Blessed Sacrament. O how I yearn to embrace Him once more. Three days can seem like three years as I yearn for His Eucharistic Presence. But I know that He is here because I want to caress Him so, and I beg Him to hasten the hour when He will once again humble Himself so as to come as a little wafer to be placed upon my quivering tongue. How dare I wish for such a favor, except that I know that in His tender mercy He wills to grant it to me? Mother of God, pray for us sinners!

The girls were so very tickled this morning of their first day of this school year. And I shared in all their excitement in remembering the parallel to this day in my life. Mother, it's hard to realize that this is the first time in thirteen years that I too an not getting ready to go back to school. Yes, even the past two years I returned to SJA with the students. But now God has asked me to continue my education elsewhere. Never will I cease to learn. And now I shall be my class. Gone are the little ones and the young girls. Gone is my dear SME. And today I met my new teachers; trained in the excellent school of suffering for many hard years, till finally they were sent to teach me. And so, as I begin once again, I beg the Holy Spirit to teach this little one to speak--and understand. Mother, please help me with my homework.

Father Keith came for me about three this afternoon for our trip to Kokomo. O Mother, you well know how I've anticipated this day with him. It seems so very long since we've been together this way, and I dearly treasure each second he graciously gives of his precious time. To think that this holy man would devote so much as all afternoon and evening to one wretched little soul such as I is absolutely flooring, and I beg the grace to be worthy of such an honor.

I brought Father's precious relic for I felt that I must return it to him. I've caressed it for so long and feel rather selfish in keeping it from others who would wish to hold it as I do. So I put a little note behind the scared splinters and took it to Charlie. But Father reminded me that every co-missionary must have a cross, and he asked me to keep it warm a little longer. Of course I argued a little, but I was really overjoyed at the prospect. Mother, I must learn the detachment that my missionary practices. Never does he hesitate to part with anything! He is always ready to share the most cherished of his possessions with his flock. He has so much to give, and he gives all with never a thought of self. I too wish to be like this. Teach me to become daily more like my missionary, whose every act speaks Christ to me.

Father was sharing last Monday with me on our way to Tipton, and I was so privileged to listen to the joy he felt as he went on his canoe excursion. And I felt his joy as mine, and I was grateful to share in his experience, in his day in the desert. Just as we passed the Motherhouse, he was telling me that he had gone swimming, and I shared in that to the hilt, for my eyes had a steady drip and I splashed around like that for a while. Six years there with the Sisters at the Motherhouse was a long time, very long for God's little vagabond. And now He tells me to move on, to bring His love elsewhere, and though I cry I still run to do His Holy Will. That's all I ask.

We first went for our little visit at Good Samaritan. There was such a note of finality in this visit, and I felt that in that moment when we drove up to the open door of my new home, I bid farewell to Elwood, but all the Charlies moved in to that hospital with me. And I was happy.

Sister Raphael and all the other Sisters there were so very kind to me. Sister Raphael showed me around the building. My room is a very small quarter right by the elevator on first floor. I was trying so hard to see everything that I can hardly remember what it's like. I do know that it's quite small and I'll have to go through my belongings and eliminate quite a few things. But that's good, for they really pile up over the years. And now I have an excellent chance to exercise my vow of poverty, and I beg the strength to do it as God wills. Only a little room, nothing pretty, one small locker and a dresser, an elevator that I can't operate alone but must ask help each time I wish to use it; the cheery little chapel all the way on second floor with access only if someone takes me; alone except for the priest whose room adjoins mine, and yet I feel that this is a very wonderful thing for me. 0 POVERTY, can it be that at last I have found a little part of your countenance? If so, I thank God that He has permitted me to follow Brother Charles here to live with and bring Christ into the home of these elderly ladies. I beg the chance to go among these, my older sisters, every now and then so that I might get to know and love each of them and spend myself in bringing, love and happiness into their long and lonesome days. I've never had this privilege before and beg you to teach me to use it as I should. Sister M. Aquinas is to be my guardian angel, and I just know that I will love her. We'll have many happy times together, and I thank you for arranging everything so beautifully for God's little vagabond.

On our way home we stopped to get a hamburger and milkshake to eat on the way. The stars were out, and more brilliant than I had ever seen them. And we rode along in little Charlie Volkswagon, gazing at God's heavenly creations, we His very little creatures, each singing our own love song, and yet blending into praise that soared beyond all planets to the infinite.

Thursday, September 6

Tonight was the first time I got to be with all the Charlies "in the picture," that is, the original eight. I was the only intruder, but I certainly don't feel that way. When that picture was taken I was there spiritually, so the camera wasn't sharp enough to get my funny face. But there it was, and there it shall continue to be. I go now to my new home, my new family, but there is a part of me that will be here always, here in "our" parish.

We had a lovely birthday cake for two of the bunch, Velma, whose birthday came while we celebrated the vigil tonight, and Mary Joan, whose octave we're still in. Father Keith brought some lovely modern paintings from the life of Christ, and all of us have the opportunity to order our favorites. My favorite was that of the Good Shepherd; then I liked the Flight into Egypt, in which your Holy Family was sent among complete strangers as God's little vagabonds. And I begged the grace to go and do likewise. And I bid the Charlies farewell as they went home again to their families. There are some whom I may not see again, and yet tonight was the first time I knew that I could tear myself from them, painful though it is to me, and still remain whole because they are the same Christ with Whom I shall live in my new home. I shall love them by loving others. And I thank God for this consolation and beg the grace to grow in love for each of these beautiful souls. And we shall be one Christ, loving Himself, and you are our Mother! Thank you!

Friday, September 7

Velma's Birthday

Velma took me to Holy Mass, went to Communion right away, and left me there to "see what happens." I always like those setups. Pat volunteered to push me home, and before that we got to stay for a half hour of adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Thank you for letting us have this compensation for what we missed last night in all the hustle and bustle.

Miss Mack came up to me this morning right after Holy Mass. She handed me three dollars to take care of any little things I might need. How very thoughtful this was of her. As you know, I am always in need of some little necessity, and these little helps are so very welcome and appreciated. Please remind your Son of her generosity, so that He can repay her a hundred fold, even now, as He does always. And I asked her to do something very special for me. There is so very little I can do to show the people of my parish how I've treasured being one with them this summer. I sit here and love. It is sometimes next to impossible to remain sitting here on my little wheels when I meet those in so much need. Did you feel this way standing at the foot of the Cross? But just as Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimethea took your Son from His terrible bed of suffering, so I asked Miss Mack to go to those whom she cares for in the hospital, each of whom she loves as Christ Himself, and once in a while to go to them for me. I asked her to feed them, to ease their pain, so that I might say that I too have done this to Christ. And she said that she would begin this today. O how grateful I am for this.

Saturday, September 8

YOUR Birthday

Queen took me to Holy Mass this morning. She asked me what feast it was, and I scolded her for forgetting our Mother's birthday. As we passed the altar on the way out, I saw my letters to you in Father's priedieu. (Hope he doesn't laugh too loud as he reads them before the Most Blessed Sacrament.) Mother, all the silly little things I've told you in these letters, these are all the gifts I have to give, these are myself. How I long to be able to give you a much more beautiful child than I. But in my poverty this is all I have to offer. But in accepting me, you will receive my missionary also, because he is such an important part of me, and so I know that my gift will please you. For to receive my missionary is to receive your divine Son, and Mother dear, I know that He is the center of all your desires. And so I offer you Christ for your birthday, and beg that I too may hold Him always, Him and nothing else.

Velma said that she could take me to Tipton this afternoon to take care of some things there, so I called the Motherhouse at noon and got to speak to SME. Warned her I was coming. I got there about one-thirty and stayed till eight-thirty this evening.

Met Sister M. Caroline in the halls. She is principal of the academy this year, and a most efficient one. Sister Caroline told me how imprudent it is of me to choose Good Samaritan over the job offered me at Maria Stein. And there was no answer to make but that God wills it this way. Why try to explain something which not even I comprehend fully? But because my Father has sent me, I run to accomplish His Holy Will. There is no more perfect excuse for me to offer.

Saw Sister Agneta in her office after supper with the girls. She called me in to tell me that Mother had canceled my entire bill at SJA for the work I did in the office last year. This is such a relief to me, for I hated to leave that knowing that Daddy has completely ignored it for four years, after all Mother Gerard and the Sisters have done for me.

Sunday, September 9

You had everything arranged for me to attend the ten o'clock Mass, didn't you? Otherwise I wouldn't have seen Mrs. Ryan, who has been looking for me each Sunday but always comes to another Mass than I. We got to speak just a minute this morning, and I told her that I was going to Kokomo soon. She was very pleased, knowing that this is definitely for my good, and she gave me a ten dollar bill to defray various little expenses. Please reward her for all that she's done for me. She has always been so very kind and considerate as regards my needs and wants. I shall miss seeing her each day and pray that, just as with all these whom I must leave, I shall grow in love for her in Christ.

Monday, September 10

Julie and Theresa came for me this morning to take me to Holy Mass. Once again last night I had been so exhausted as to either forget or ignore the alarm, so I was late in getting dressed. And because it was drizzling, Velma felt sure that Julie wouldn't come. But for some reason, which the Holy Spirit must have been pushing, I hurried and was just getting my dress on when Julie got here. Was so glad to see her. And little Theresa was sporting a darling raincoat, and was happy to be wet.

Father was so kind to permit me to go to Confession this morning. O Mother, I tried so hard to talk of many things which I felt were important but the finality of this entire week and the pain that gnaws at my heart in leaving Father and the others grew almost unbearable, and only tears spilled where words were too insufficient to say what I wished. And I know that Father understood just what I wished to say. He always does. O how I love him! And he told me to offer this pain I have in leaving those I love for each one. And he must know just how much I shall endure for him. And for my penance he told me to try hard to forget the departure, to enjoy the few days I have left here. Please help me do this, for if I try it myself I find it impossible.

I've tried so very hard to put a dent in my correspondence list, and I did no more than that. There is so very much to be done this week. And because my arms ache so I find typing, and just about anything, very exhausting. Then tomorrow Julie and I are going to Kokomo to buy the new chair. And Pat and I are going to spend Thursday together. Queen and Dick are coming over some evening soon. O how I wish I might bid each of the Charlies farewell a day at a time! It would take that long to thank each of them for all the lessons on love they've give me this summer. And as for Velma and Leo, I lose words when I wish to thank them. Here I've found Nazareth, and it took Christ thirty years to thank you for that. But help me to somehow show them the gratitude that fills my heart. Protect "our" Holy Family, always!

Wednesday, September 12

Feast of Your Holy Name

Hail Mary! How I love each of your feasts, for I love you so, Mother dear. And to think that I was named for my Mother! O thank you; do teach me to love with no love but yours. Only then will my love be acceptable to almighty God.

After breakfast, Velma and I had a wonderful conversation. She understands well, and I know that it must be like you do when you listen to my childish babble in these letters each night. Thank God for Mothers! Just seeing Father Keith pierced my heart, and Velma's shoulder is always there to support my weary head at these times. Please, Mother, teach me to find you always there. I shall need very much help in tearing myself from all those I love so here in Elwood. And the reason is precisely that I don't love Christ enough to leave all these without regret. O please ask Him to forgive my selfishness and send the Spirit of Christ to inflame my heart till all self is consumed. Mother, I cannot do this without your help. But with you, I shall be entirely His.

Thursday, September 13

Charlie Day at Pat's

Went to Holy Mass with Queen. She left me there so I might go home with Pat. After Mass Mrs. Kiefer handed me a letter. It is a precious script telling me how very welcome I was in this "our" parish this summer. And there was enclosed a five dollar bill. This going to church is getting rather profitable. I just couldn't wait to come home and show Velma today's profits. It's so funny that I giggle when I think of the poverty I've chosen to follow. Seems like Our Father has other plans at present. But then He does know how many little incidentals I must get before moving to my new home, and perhaps I'll have to buy a new desk. Please tell Him that His little one appreciates His indulgence, and I'll try to use all He sends for His glory. Help me to glorify His infinite wisdom, in my littleness.

Pat and I left her house about two and went to Marg's for a while. That was the first time I was there, the first time I got to see all her precious little treasures. And we sat in the yard for a little while, the little ones playing around us, and there was nothing I wished to say. I've noticed this all week. Here I am seeing these people for the last time before I leave Nazareth. And I find myself mute in their company. I wish to store within my heart every word of wisdom that falls from the Charlies' lips, and I wish to say nothing to take up the precious moments in which we are still together. Perhaps you might call it cramming. Yes, I have a big test on the agenda for this weekend. I have loved so very poorly. If I don't cram now I'll surely fail. Mother of Love, show me how!

O Mother, my heart continues to ache. This evening after dinner Velma and I sat together at the table, listening to lovely music. She asked me something that has never struck me before. She asked if I consider what I received this summer worth all the pain I must endure now. O never shall I doubt that the price I must now pay is microscopic in return for AMICITIA. Deo gratias!

Friday, September 14

Exultation of the Holy Cross

Queen and I attended Holy Mass together again this morning. I took Father Keith's relic of the True Cross with me to hug during the entire Mass. Then after Communion had been distributed, he sent Pat down to get it so that he could bless everyone with it on this special day and leave it in church the remainder of the day for adoration. And so, on this glorious feast, I returned his Ordination gift, which he has been so very kind in letting me keep for so long. Please let me somehow return something to him for this privilege.

Just as we were going to your altar after Holy Mass, Father Keith came from the sacristy to the sanctuary. He had removed his chasuble and cincture, so the alb looked like a huge nightgown on him. As he ascended the steps to the altar, he tripped on the alb and Queen punched me and said, "Look at him tripping around in his nightgown." Then we had to rush out because we were giggling so much. Dern that Queen! How I love her, and I've been feeling closer and closer to her as my stay here draws to a close.

Received a lovely letter from Anne-Marie in today's mail. It was like seeing in writing all that the Holy Spirit has told me again and again during the past week. But I thought it very reassuring to have it in writing.

Father Keith called about four this afternoon. I had just had quite a crying spell. How my heart aches at the thought of leaving "home" and all those whom I love so very much. And Father Keith. Well, I drive that from [my mind] each time I begin to think I must leave him. And yet it is hard to stifle these tears each day. Father wanted to know if I cared to go out to supper with him and his parents this evening. Of course I was thrilled that he had even thought of me, and I nodded in the affirmative to Velma because I was sobbing too much to speak. And although I was making no noise, Father told Velma to tell me to dry my tears. 0 Mother, my missionary knows me so well that I can't even hide this grief from him when he's not with me. Please help me to suffer silently, like you, and thank you for giving me this Christ to soothe this horrible ache. How I love my missionary.

How I prayed that I might control these wild emotions so as to not spoil Father's evening with his parents. And only once did I fail, and that was when Father told everyone there that this would be a celebration for my last day here. But I stifled that outburst quickly and didn't have another till Father brought me home and I learned that he couldn't be here to bid me farewell tomorrow morning as we had planned and so tonight was our goodbye. And he told me not to be ashamed of my tears. He encouraged me to really have a good cry when I reach my new home to rid me of all the anguish I'm trying to hide from those I love.

I sat here after that, right at the window in the girls' room, the little corner where Christ has spoken to me often while I was here at Nazareth, and I spilled these hot tears and begged to be able to give them in honor of the "feast of Your tears" tomorrow.

Saturday, September 15

Feast of Your Tears

Velma, Leo and I attended Holy Mass together this morning. Thank you for permitting me to share, in my own miserable little way, your terrible sufferings. Just as those seven swords engraved Christ's I love you on your tender Mother's heart, so let these aches, which I, fool that I am, must bear for Christ; let these serve to mold your little slave to be more and more like her Mother. During today's sermon Father Keith spoke directly to me. Even Velma noticed that. And so in our farewell he told me to learn to suffer as you did. That's a big order, but I can do so if you will teach me. Speak, Mother dear. Your little one awaits her lesson for today.

Packing the little odds and ends we missed yesterday wasn't so tiring, but the heartache persisted. I wanted so to call Father Keith this morning but I knew I'd be unable to speak. So I sent my missionary all this anguish and begged that it might be a source of strength to him. And I just know that he understood, and accepted.

We were in the car and driving from my lovely Nazareth about two. I tried to look at everything so that I might never forget a detail of the spot in which I had found such peace and joy. And although my vision was blurred by the tears which came no matter how hard I tried to suppress them, still I knew that I was taking this Nazareth with me, not the beauty of its buds but its seeds, to be planted wherever God's little vagabond is sent.

The drive to Kokomo was very difficult. I tried so hard to be funny, to laugh, but is it possible to hide all that from one who knows you too well? Not really, but please accept my effort and tell her that I am very happy to be doing God's Holy Will, no matter how it hurts.

Velma and Leo stayed to help me get settled, and then came the inevitable farewell and the tears that I shed no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. But I have yet to find that corner and really let them flow freely as Father suggested. When I am with these two, then I want to do all in my power to hide my hurts from them; and when I'm with others I know that to be myself would only confuse them. 0 please give me your shoulder! I need you, Mother, right now, to soothe a heart that aches because it has just been torn from those it loves most. In one summer I grew to treasure everything in that lovely Nazareth. Please teach me to bring all these treasures here to those who in their kindness have volunteered to be my new family.

Sunday, September 16

We had Holy Mass at seven this morning. Sister Aquinas came in about six to see if I was up. And there I was dressing on the floor. She is so very kind to me, and I could just hug her for all the sweet smiles and niceties she gives me. And I do hug her at times, so there!

The morning literally flew by, and before I knew anything Sister had brought my dinner. I just don't know how I'm going to put away all they bring me, but I eat all that fits and then get a funny little look from Sister and get by with it.

Sister saw to it that I took my nap, and a very good one I had. Guess the fatigue I've been fighting for so long is showing on the outside, but what with my little guardian angel caring for me, the one in the pretty white veil who notices all little tell-tale signs, I should feel great in no time. I do hope so, for this time It's been a month and a half since I've felt really up to par. But this time I gained a missionary during the cycle. And so I beg that I shall always have something to give for him, so that the distance which has painfully taken me further from him will bring us ever closer together in the love of Christ.

Just after I awoke and got in Viv-Ed [her wheelchair], I saw Daddy drive up. So the letters I was going to begin will have to wait till another day. Do hope I can get caught up on that monstrous correspondence list soon. Was really glad to see Daddy. He had just come from Elwood, and the mere thought of our Nazareth brought tears to my eyes. 0 Mother, how my heart aches to be there again, and yet I realize that it's very ungrateful of me to feel that way. Christ gave me all I needed there. But then perhaps He yearned for His little home in Nazareth now and then. Please remind Him of this and beg Him to forgive my weakness and tears. And tell him I do love my new home, as I shall embrace all He desires to send me, and thank Him for it.

Monday, September 17

Father Kohne said Holy Mass at six-thirty this morning. It's such a struggle for him, and I begged to be incorporated in his suffering so as to have something to give when Father Keith and I meet on the little gold paten during his Mass at eight. I shall always be there with him, begging to be consumed, for him, with the Spirit of Christ that fills his heart. For reception of the Holy Eucharist, we went to the altar steps so that Father needn't walk any further than was really necessary, and I thought of how I had gone to the altar of God to receive my little white Guest for the first time. And I looked at the little gold pin around my neck, the very pin I received on that never-to-be-forgotten day, and I begged that although time has tarnished this precious possession, my heart might remain pure enough to receive Christ. Pray for me, you alone who were found worthy to contain your creator. Mother, let me greet Him with your purity!

Father Kohne came in at dinnertime with a big bowl of candies for me. God love him! Even in his misery he thinks of the happiness of others. Please let me do the same; let me never neglect an opportunity to bring the love of Christ to others. And if pain should prevent a song, let it never hold back the smile to tell all that God is Love.

I wrote my missionary to tell him how his littlest sister loves her new home. And I do love this "multitude of Kokomo" into which Christ has thrown His little vagabond. And I beg that, if only with a greeting, or a smile for those who do not comprehend, I may say to each in this our home, "Christ loves you."

Tuesday, September 15

Sister Aquinas took me to her floor this morning to take a splash in the tub. And I had loads of fun there. Met Florence, Millie Bowman's mother, and she is really a jewel. I just love her. She gave me a bath and washed my hair, then took me with her as she cared for some of the patients. Her outstanding kindness and love for all the patients amazes me, and I saw the same gentleness and love in all the aides on third. And Sister is a perfect mother to all my elderly sisters on third. She is a joy to watch, as she showers each of them with the love that fills her angelic heart. Please help me to learn much from my new little guardian angel.

I sat in the kitchen with Mary for a while, as she prepared the trays for dinner. And I got to meet the Betty Sister has spoken of so often. She is a darling, only about twenty-six and a big tease. A lovely girl with big responsibilities, and she is cheerfully fulfilling them. She supports herself and her mother on the little salary she makes as an aide here. I believe that my acquaintance with these people will blossom into lovely friendships. I can give my love and prayers to all the elderly sisters in my family, but most of them will never know me. And so my friendships must be formed with those who care for them. Perhaps in this circumspect way I can carry Christ to all the patients as I had wished.

Wednesday, September 19

Got my first typing assignment this afternoon. Sister has been so considerate in letting me rest for a while, for I was so exhausted when I came. This was only one page of work, but I do hope that I'll be able to do much for the dear Sisters very soon. These weeks have been difficult for me. The pain and fatigue have been constant companions and when the drain of settling in a new home was added, your little one had to lean hard on her Mother to survive. Thank you for always being here with me, you who understand pain and tears as no mother ever will. And now let me get strong so I can do a little work for my new family. Yes, FIAT! It must be Christ's work, as He wishes to perform it through me. Let me never do anything of myself.

Finally wrote to Velma this afternoon. And as I sat there thinking of her whom I love I felt the horrible distance crushing all the attempts I've made to put Nazareth from my mind. Just then Father Kohne walked in to bring me five microscopic statues, and in reflecting on all the kindness and consideration he's shown me even in his suffering, I found a shoulder for which I've searched since Velma left me here, and I squeezed his hand. And probably to his confusion, I wept a little and was happy to feel the warmth of his hand for a minute on my shoulder.

Sister Aquinas is here now, rushing me to get ready for bed. She's always looking out for me. And so I must do as Holy Obedience bids. Goodnight, Mother dear. Please caress me to your Immaculate Heart and let my heart feel the vibrations of your Love.

Thursday, September 20

This morning was another one of those way out times when I felt so very strange. Guess Sister Aquinas hit the nail on the head when she said I was acting listless. It's a rather annoying feeling. I realize that things occur around me, and yet I feel quite apart from them. I want to do something, but I haven't the initiative. And I just sit there like I'm asleep or at least daydreaming. My head feels rather woozy, but things don't whirl. As Sister described it, words reach my ears and seem to bounce off, to register much later. Sister said that she gets this way once in a while; it's caused by anemia. She said it's a counterpart of the exhaustion I've had and I'll feel better as soon as I get built up again.

Sister gave me some medication and I sat in the recliner chair all morning. It seemed that I just couldn't budge, but Sister explained later that this was a result of the pill she gave me. She knew I'd be up studying if she didn't tie me down somehow. Guess she's really getting to know me. And I'm getting to love my new guardian angel. Please see that her reward is great, and Mother, don't let all her kindnesses to me prove too taxing for her on top of all her other responsibilities. I worry so about her health and certainly don't want to jeopardize it in any way. Please take care of the two of us, so that we may perform the Holy Will of Our Father with CHRIST'S strength.

Just as Sister brought in my supper tray, I saw Daddy drive up. So, as all spoiled little girls are wont to do, I convinced Daddy that he was dying to take me to a movie. Actually, it wasn't legitimate, for I used waterworks.

As soon as I got in the car I began crying. It seems that being here won't permit such things. The minute I drip, Sister pops a pill in my mouth and tells me to rest. To suppress all these tears; you know how hard it is for me. How badly I need an outlet. Daddy brought the record player, so I have some recreation now. And I'm so grateful to you for listening to me each night, for accepting even my tears, and understanding. Thank you, my precious Mother, for loving me so. Please teach me to love in return.

Daddy said that perhaps he could come early enough Sunday to drive me to Elwood, but I just couldn't go yet. I couldn't bear seeing them again only to be torn from them right away. Perhaps with time this wound will heal somewhat, but now I am so very weak so had to turn down an offer to go home for a little while. 0 Mother, all physical pain could never compare with this horrible, painful void. And what of you who held the limp body of Christ on your knees after watching Him die? Please forgive me for my selfishness, my tears. Teach me to suffer this and far greater pain. Do I not have a missionary for whom I must be consumed? 0 Fire of Divine Love, consume me!

All day long I felt that one of the Charlies would come. How I longed to see Velma, to hold her close and to know that she understood! If only I might go to her, to feel her strength embracing my weakness. To see all the others whom I've enclosed within my poor little Charlie heart. To speak to Father Keith and hear the words of Christ flow once again from his blessed lips. Mother, I love all of them so. Please kiss them for me tonight and tell them that their littlest one needs their prayers. 0 Sacred Cross of Christ, I embrace Thee! Deo gratias!

Friday, September 21

During Holy Mass this morning someone played the organ and we got to SING at the Offertory. It was such a thrill, and today was the first day since I came that we got to do any singing during the Holy Sacrifice. How I miss singing during Mass. Perhaps I can talk someone into wheeling me to St. Joan's for Mass one of these mornings before cold weather sets in. Let's work on that. Okay, Mother? But then, FIAT, for with all the gifts with which I am showered daily, I shouldn't ask for anything. Do forgive me if I forget at times, for I know that Our Father can give us anything that pleases Him and He must smile at His little ones' requests at times and bend to give us the little candies for which we ask.

Sister Raphael brought in a lovely bouquet of cosmos and petunias to set on my little stand this morning. She is so very good to me, always doing some little thing for which I am so grateful. While I was in chapel making my holy hour after lunch, Sister Aquinas and Sister Raphael brought in a stand especially built for a record player like mine, with plenty of space below to keep my LP's. The room keeps looking prettier, keeps feeling more and more like home. And this morning when I mentioned the possibility of joining the Sisters in Owensboro one of these days, Sister Aquinas bounced back with an "I hope they make you wait a long time." And although I've never felt this way about it, I was glad to know that I was really wanted here. God's little sparrow wishes she might warble her gratitude for this little nest He prepared for her, but since my voice is not fit for solos, perhaps you might let me join in your Magnificat. Then I know Our Father will accept.

Saturday, September 22

It's a good thing I didn't see the postman today. You know me, Charlie that I am. What with all the goodies he brought me I probably would have given him a squeeze and a smacker.

Our dear Charlie at the Nazareth I long for [Velma] wrote me a precious epistle. How thrilled I was to hear from her. And if you offered for me the pain that accompanied the tears which fell as I read each treasured word, then I know that you didn't forget to polish the joy also. It seems that my entire life must be one of thanksgiving, and yet if you don't help me I can never begin to express my gratitude to Our Father. Mother, do teach me your Magnificat, so that we can sing together. Ludey and Carolyn enclosed their own little notes with Velma's letter, and I treasure the sweetness and love that flows from the heart of little ones. Teach me to be a little one. Tell me about your Little One at Nazareth, and let me play before you and study at your feet as He did.

Velma mentioned that the family sang at the piano the other night. 0 how I wish I had been there. I always felt so close to them at that time. I felt wanted, loved, secure, one with the others, accepted, crackly voice though I had. A great peace and joy always took possession of me. I knew the NOW of happiness, and I completely forgot that this family was only mine temporarily. Thank God for that NOW. It was wonderful to have a family for that little while. In her letter today Velma states that she thinks it was a mistake to try to make me a member of the family. She says it's just too cruel when it can't be permanent. And she begged forgiveness for the pain I've suffered! 0 Mother, do tell her that I'd return only to leave a thousand Nazareths, if only I might learn each time a little better the lessons of LOVE I found there. Ah yes, the chisel hurts as it pulls me from the only "home" there ever was, but it must keep hurting till the Sculptor has His little heap of humanity as He wishes. Hold me tight right here in your hands, and then tell Him to whittle where He wishes till He has formed a suitable plaything.

Spoke to Father Kohne after supper this evening about giving Stephanie instructions. She is a little fifteen-year-old who helps out here now and then as an aide on Sister Aquinas' floor. She has wished to take instructions for some time, and I was thrilled when Sister mentioned that perhaps I could help her after school and Father gave it his stamp of approval. I do hope her mother will permit this. You and I shall have to work on this together, remember. 0 Mother, let's teach her to love Christ, and I beg you to be with us each step, instructing both Stephanie and me.

Sunday, September 23

The pain was rather annoying all day today, back, neck and arms. So my missionary got the full treatment. All during Holy Mass this morning I felt especially close to him, and I begged that the words the Holy Spirit spoke through him during his sermon might be engraved by the same Spirit upon my heart.

Sister Aquinas took me in to wash a while ago, and when we returned we found a stack of records on the chair here. Father Kohne was telling Daddy and me that Father Fitz had quite a collection, so when he went out to see him this evening he must have borrowed some for me. Bless him for all his sweet considerations.

P.S. I love you, Mother! Please stay at my side till the dawn of eternity, when together we'll gaze on the brilliance of your divine Son.

Monday, September 24

This morning was another of those "woozey" ones. Tried so hard to work on my French lessons, but I finally had to give up and sit down to rest a while. That did help somewhat. 0 Mother, I try so hard to keep going, but I get exhausted very often right now. Sister thinks I should have a blood test; it appears my hemoglobin is getting low. I take my iron tablets regularly, but perhaps I need something stronger. Sister tells me to be sure to get lots of rest and proper food. She says there's nothing I need more right now. And so I'll try to follow her advice and pray that soon I shall be strong enough to be with the patients more, to do more work and to care for myself better. But now I'm a helpless little one in your arms. And I am happy to be there, to snuggle near your tender heart for a while. When you are ready to let me run off and play with my brothers and sisters, you will put me on the floor. Meanwhile, just hug me close and let me feel the murmur of your heart. And while I'm here I can ask much for my missionary brother. And I know that you will listen. Thank you, my precious Mother!

Shortly after I had come in this afternoon for a rest, Father Keith walked in with Father Schiavone. They stopped on their way to Notre Dame for retreat. How thrilled I was to see my dear missionary again! And I got to go to confession to my dear spiritual advisor once again. I Thank God for this great favor! And today Christ told me to stop judging myself so much, especially in this weakened condition, when everything becomes somewhat magnified. I must only sit here, useless as I am, and LOVE. There is nothing else to do but LOVE. If I might fling my poor little heart to Christ as He asks me to, then and only then would I be fulfilling my vocation, for the present and likewise for eternity. I shall begin eternity today.

Tuesday, September 25

Another of those terribly blurry days, but I kept going pretty well and prayed that by this weakness and exhaustion my missionary might receive the strength he so deserves during his three days alone with Christ. And they are my days also, for I desire much suffering during this time, for him. And I thank God that we can make this retreat together, my little brother and I. Deo gratias!

Today's mail was full of treasures. There was a precious note from Sister Camilla, regretting that she couldn't see me the last time Daddy and I were there. And there was the greatest contemporary card of the century. Homemade from Nazareth. On the outside there was a wheelchair marked "for sale", a shiny new desk with a huge $18 dollar price tag, a Sister with a tray load of food, and a baby elephant sound asleep in her comfy chair, knapsack over her shoulder and huge lollipop in her hand. And it read: THIS is a VAGABOND ?? OH BROTHER (Charles of course), and was signed Mr. ST. JOSEPH. 0 Mother, do tell Christ thank you for this, another sweet lollipop He has sent to brighten the path of His little Vagabond.

Friday, September 28

How dry I am! And this is certainly not a spiritual dryness. His dew is plenteously watering the little seed within me, and if I might shed tears now and then it will be merely an overflow of these precious waters which I beg you to return to their Source. But "Brother Ass" is dehydrated again, not as bad as before, but Sister is pumping glass after glass of water, and loads of other stuff.

Father Grady, Father Hoffmeyer and Father Reemmer came in for a little bit while I was resting this afternoon. It was great seeing all of them, getting three blessings at once. And Father Grady came equipped with the inevitable jokes. I so enjoy hearing him tell them that I laugh before the punch line.

Sister said that if I hurried to get ready for bed this evening, I might watch Mitch Miller's program, which has been scheduled an hour and a half earlier. So Sister Aquinas and I stayed there to help out with the singing till it was all over at nine-thirty. Thanks loads for the diversion. Singing is your hobby too, isn't it Mother? And I suppose all during your duties in Nazareth your heart and lips echoed the Magnificat you composed when you were the only abode God found fit to encompass Him Who made the universe. And, as Merton puts it, you were glad because He was glad, and for no other reason. Show me His Holy Will, that like you I may find the only true joy in the love of Christ. And I pray that, as in the prayer for your spirit that Sister Aquinas kindly gave me, Christ, may look into my heart and see your soul reflecting there and I may hear His voice call 'Mary', as He looks at me and finds He is at home." May my heart be His Nazareth!

Sunday, September 30

During Holy Mass this morning my neck hurt violently, shooting pains through the back of my head all the way to my eyes. This was all I had to place on my missionary's paten when I met him on Calvary this morning. Even the privilege of singing the Offertory and Communion hymns was taken from me, so there I sat, loving in my weakness and begging that my missionary might gain great strength to do Christ's work for US. And after breakfast I parked in our big chair for the rest of this morning, doing a little redecorating on our wild bulletin board, then simply sitting and loving.

Then as I was resting in walked "our" family [the Tanzilli's]. I hesitate in using that adjective, not knowing whether it is correct or not. But I beg you to tolerate it, for I WAS one of them. And I can never leave those whom I've loved in a home of my own. What is absence now that I've found LOVE? With Charlie I shall always long for Nazareth. And with Christ I shall swallow space and time to return there often and find refreshment and even YOUR kiss. Thank you, Mother.

St. Joseph and the girls went out to get Cokes while Charlie [Velma] and I once more sat together, hand in hand. And for a little while I wept and knew she understood. And I embraced her tightly, almost insuring once again the union that distance will never sever. 0 Mother, I must close. All words have left, so lift my heart to you and beg you to listen, and I know you understand.

Monday, October 1

Rosary Month

Thank God for letting us attend not only one but TWO Holy Masses this morning! Magnificat anima mea Dominum! Sing with me, Mother. Sing loudly so that He will hear only your sweet voice, but do let me join in your praise.

Weakness and joy, this was what today brought my missionary. And when I was handed a bookmark right before my holy hour this afternoon that read MAY THE HEART OF JESUS BE EVERYWHERE LOVED, my poor little heart danced in its glee. And I begged that hour would never end, so tightly did I feel entwined in the arms of my Beloved. All day this experience has given me even physical strength. True I couldn't pull myself from the chair, but I felt that no feat would be too much for me. Christ's strength. And His Cross. These are the possessions that I pray will never be taken from me. And now let this happy little child sleep in your arms, smiling in a dream that was TODAY.

Tuesday, October 2

FEAST OF GUARDIAN ANGELS

Linda Hunt came to see me about four-thirty this afternoon and stayed till seven, It was so sweet of her to come. Poor Linda must have been bored to tears with me, for I was a horrible conversationalist this evening. I know my missionary would laugh at that statement, but one of those horribly groggy spells came on me and I had to put forth much effort for each sentence. Please help me in these circumstances. I don't ask to be delivered from them, for through them I pray that the Holy Spirit may pour forth even more abundantly through the lips of my missionary. But do take care that I don't offend those whom I'm with by apparent indifference or silly small talk.

Let me never again hurt those I love, hurt anyone. Most of all, I beg you, my dear Mother, let me never again wound the sweet Heart of Christ, my Spouse. Ask my Angel Guardian to adore God with me, through you my Mother, and may we render to Him perpetual adoration, now in this our exile and soon for all eternity. 0 that I might fly home tonight! But I must wait till He calls. And each second I shall know that I am closer to the end. 0 God, hasten the day! I might rebuke myself for the presumption of desiring such bliss if I weren't your child. But I know that you will adorn me in your virtues, and I know He'll smile. 0 Mary, my life, my sweetness, my dearest hope, yes my heart and my soul, I love you!

Wednesday, October 3

Feast of St. Therese

Mother, little Therese hurled lovely little rose petals constantly today, and each one that came my way--and they were many--I blew softly so that it might fall softly upon my missionary and bring to him the joy it brought his littlest sister. Filled with pain and weakness, little sister pain took this earthly clod and flung it up to God. Please kiss each little petal so that one day I might be God's little flower, and I shall become a rose of suffering for my missionary sprinkled with the dew of his blessings.

My hour of adoration was begun before the Blessed Sacrament and completed in our room, where Charlies gathered with Christ in our midst. Queen and Mary Joan came to put a pretty pink stain on our little rose. Thank God for friends such as these! I was quite strong when they got here, but as the minutes flew so did my strength, so that talking and even listening became difficult. And I pray that I didn't hurt those I love so with my seeming indifference. I was taking each precious word and, as you did, hiding it in my poor little heart for future reference under Love.

Our dear Charlies had to leave before the children got home from school, but no sooner were they gone than Sister M. Camilla came in. That darling made a special trip here just to help me celebrate this feast of little Therese. She brought me a little feastday card, and enclosed were lovely holy cards, including one that reminded me: God sometimes in His Wisdom asks hard things of us. Yes, and in His infinite compassion He has given me a Mother who makes these things a joy. Thank you, my precious Mother!

This evening I called Father Keith at the rectory and asked that he call me at his convenience tomorrow. But he called tonight, and so we did get together on this very special feast. We'll go to the clinic next week if I can get an appointment. I eagerly anticipate that time with him. My missionary isn't feeling well, Mother, and I beg that his suffering be imposed upon me, always. Please grant this, for in Christ I can endure all things.

Thursday, October 4

Feast of St. Francis

This morning Christ asked that I attend Holy Mass and receive Him only spiritually, and so as Holy Obedience instructed I stayed put. Dear Sister was so kind as to hand me our missal and breviary, so very softly I sang the Kyrie and even chanted the proper for the first time since I came to our new home. Then recited the breviary, pausing a second at the leader's turn to give my guardian angel time to say it with me. This was such a treat and made missing Holy Mass more bearable. And I thought often of my missionary and knew that I shall never really be deprived of the graces of the Holy Sacrifice because in His infinite mercy God permits me to follow the path to Calvary each day that I might be offered there with Christ, for Father Keith. Please obtain for me the grace to fulfill my vocation as co-missionary. I know that you, who were Christ's co-missionary, can help me. I cast myself at your feet, my Mother, my dearest hope!

My hour of adoration was bisected today when Daddy paid an unexpected visit. But Sister assured me that tomorrow I can be with Christ much. We have exposition of the Blessed Sacrament all morning. So once more Christ arranged the little cushions for His vagabond, and Francis' Lady Poverty prepared riches far beyond the wildest dreams of this happy wanderer.

Friday, October 5

First Friday, Sacred Heart

Sister Aquinas dubbed me "Mother Superior" today, for I took Sister Raphael's place on the adoration schedule. Yes, after Holy Mass Christ was placed in the monstrance, as if more eager than ever to press us to His Heart and whisper his love secrets. If only I might be a better listener! But I know that He Who calmed the sea can speak above muscle spasms and I shall hear His words of peace. Speak, Lord, I am listening! What's my missionary doing now, Mother? Doubtless speaking words to his flock, to our flock. Though I don t hear his voice, let me learn the lessons of love he has mastered, and let me somehow alleviate his load. Passion of Christ, strengthen me! More to suffer, my God, ah more! And FIAT. That's all.

Saturday, October 6

0 Mother, I'm so very confused right now. Was okay all day except in the early afternoon. But after a little nap most of the fogginess cleared up. Please let us learn what causes this when we go to the clinic Wednesday. Although I've spliced my schedule considerably since moving to my new home, the strength I had anticipated just doesn't come. Why, Mother? I try so hard not to be lazy. I know that I should be capable of twice the activities I now have. But FIAT. Need this pampered vagabond ask for strength also? Do forgive my incessant requests. Thank God that I have a missionary who is doing big things for Him. Thank God that He has permitted a poor little creature such as I to participate in the spread of the Gospel with this saintly man. Thank God that He has chosen such a weakling as I to GIVE, to give my weakness and feel within my heart the strength of Christ, for my missionary. DEO GRATIAS!

0 Mother, feel quite dizzy so I simply must close. Please draw my missionary and me closer to your Immaculate Heart. Here we shall rest in our Mother's arms. Good night, and I love you!

Sunday, October 7

Feast of Your Rosary

Hail my Queen and Mother! Remember that I'm yours. Do take the joys and sorrows that I place each day on my missionary's paten, and secure on his heart the glorious crown of love, his now and for eternity. May his little sister be consumed in the same Flame, so that together we might sing Ave Maria. And you will show us Christ! 0 golden links between fleet time and eternity, may I never cease to adorn you with little beads of love. Minute though they are, Mother, do accept these little trinkets. And if YOU give them to Christ for Father, then I know He'll smile, and He'll accept them from your hand.

Please hug me close. I've felt so lonely today. 0 how foolish your little one is. She who received Christ this morning know loneliness? Beg Him to forgive me and show me again and again how to love Him. My patient mother, I shall try again and again to learn. 0 to live one day that I might not hurt my Spouse!

After supper this evening I called Velma. Her sweet voice was a song to my ears, and we spoke of many little things. And distance was consumed with love.

Monday, October 8

0 Mother, I know not where to begin. My head is spinning, from exhaustion or joy I know not. This morning I felt terribly dizzy and weak. I wanted so badly to snap out of it, so I put on the zippiest record I had, one by Belefonte.

Just then Mrs. Cline entered with two letters. The first was one of SME's airbrush cards from the seniors at SJA. And the second the letter Father Keith wrote me during "our" retreat.

Thank you, my precious Mother, for permitting this treasure to your little weakling. Each word fell as a soft little shower on my lonely heart, and then I found my fountain being filled and I spilled all this love to God. And it was good to cry as I knelt there before your picture and knew that you offered so many little gems for my missionary. Thank you for always being here, always loving me and understanding me when there is no other shoulder I might cry on. Remember when I used to pray that my poor mother might return and stay with us "forever and ever, till the end of the world?" In return I have a Mother who will be mine for eternity. What shall I return to the Lord for all He has given me? I will take the chalice of salvation. Hold it to my lips, Mother. My hands are not steady. But with your assistance I drink. And may that which is bitter to my tongue become the height of refreshment to my heart. The cure IS what's killing me. Hasten the day when my soul will love nothing of this world, when it will be dead [to the world] in the life of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Tuesday, October 9

Father Jim was here this afternoon. He informed me that Mary Catherine Davis went to her God a couple weeks ago. She died a beautiful death. Thank God! 0 that I might join her soon, to rush into my Mother's arms and be carried to Christ. And He will see your face, and smile. But no, I must climb to the summit of Calvary and be crucified before going home. And I must die for my missionary stripped of everything but the Cross.

"That dern Julie" came an hour and a half late, I got rather concerned after waiting so long, but as soon as I saw her and Marg all was coming up roses. I fear that I was quite negligent toward Julie today, but I tried to explain before she left. I saw the pain in Marg's eyes when she entered our room, the same pain that still pulls at my heart. Yes, it is a big assignment to leave Nazareth. And I embraced her, and love needed no words. We continued to communicate thus till late this evening, when I felt she finally wished to speak about her pain. Yes, I knew that any words were insufficient. I know how time and time again those wishing to console me told me those things which I truly believed and knew long ago. But this knowledge does not relieve the pain. As I bid her farewell, she asked that I sing her a song. And I held her tight and with all I had left after forcing myself to suppress the tears that salted my poor Charlie heart, I sang YOUR MOTHER AND MINE for our goodnight wish, and I know You bent to kiss Our stained faces.

After we had returned from a beautiful discussion on the Mystical Body with the Catholic nurses at St. Joseph's, we found Father Keith awaiting us. He had just come to spend the night with us, so that I might go with him to Holy Mass at the Motherhouse in the morning, before we begin our trip to Indianapolis. 0 how thrilled I was to see my missionary, and to receive his goodnight blessing. And now I go to rest and anxiously await a day with him I love with an eternal Flame, the Christ from our little Nazareth.

Wednesday, October 10

Vagabond Holiday

O Mother, I fear that I am too tired to tell Him what I should, but do embrace Christ for me. Tell Him that I wish I might return the tiniest fraction of the Love He showered upon His little wretch today. This is utterly impossible, unless I love Him with your Immaculate Heart. I am your littlest slave, the clumsiest of those who serve you, one whose little capers you tolerate, and you even take me into your arms and kiss me for my clumsiness. Take me now, and as I snuggle here, sing my Magnificat to God. And I know that He will smile, and I shall sleep here and be refreshed by your kiss.

Our day began at four-thirty this morning. Father and I went to Tipton in Charlie Bug, where once again I sat in my own spot at your feet and thrilled to the first High Mass I attended since coming to my new home. And I was there to put myself on the paten Father held to our Father. Such a joy it was to be present at his Holy Mass, to see the glittering paten he held up and to know that each day I am being offered there in all my poverty, for him. And I sang with all the angelic voices, knowing that my Magnificat would be accepted there, as it is accepted only when united with yours.

After an all too brief breakfast with the girls, we were on our way again. Next stop, the clinic. After the visit to the clinic, Father Keith and I went walking to the circle. There we stood together, missionary and his littlest sister, alone among the multitude. God's sweet little breezes kissing our cheeks, his blue sky the roof over our heads and the heads of everyone of our brothers and sisters throughout the world. Such joy and peace were mine during those minutes with him, and as we went back to window shop in stores the likes of which I've never entered, this sweetness followed me and I prayed that it might be his.

Before we got to the car, we stopped in a religious goods shop. So very many lovely articles we eyed, and Father bought me THE STORY OF A SOUL, a little flower I might bring home and press to my heart in remembrance of this day with my missionary. I found pretty little petals as I opened the book at random. And I thanked the Little Flower that she let me read of her big trip and that she said the very things I felt today in the big city. With her I thanked God that I might walk through the busy streets, undisturbed by the hustle, enjoying all the lovely merchandise and yet desiring to possess nothing of it for myself. And I thanked God that He had taken this delicate little flower from all these harmful weeds and put me in the corner of sunshine that He might care for me. May I never desire weeds, but Sonshine.

On the way home, Christ told me much about the wall that has come between Daddy and me. It was such a relief to talk to Father about something that has troubled me much. Just recently I've noticed a complete absence of communication between Daddy and me. And Father explained that this is an indication that I'm maturing. I was so worried that Daddy would sense a coldness in me, but Father says that it's I who am changing, not he. Of course, I still love him as much as ever, but in a different way.

I now see that he isn't the great family ideal I had previously considered him. It was my search for the security of the home that made me consider him such. I never saw the complete irresponsibility Daddy has as regards his family, till now. Actually, Daddy has never had a family. We've been taken care of, and he's visited us regularly. That's all. And so he goes on his little way, all alone. How my heart aches for him. And he turns from one job to another, whatever suits his fancy for a while. When there is a little money in the bank, he takes another trip west. His only dream is to travel west. His clothes are many. All he buys is the best, hotel rooms, expensive menus. But Vivian or someone else who sees my need gets my clothes. The poor Sisters of St. Joseph give me a roof.

Where did the money come for me to go to California last summer? How did I get to Philadelphia for the eight-day retreat last spring? And where did the money come from for my new frilly dress for Easter? All my appointments at the clinic? A little book I requested about six months ago? From my spiritual Father. It seems that I have lost one father to gain another. I move further from earth to sooner reach eternity. But it hurts, Mother, that the last family symbol has disappeared. Many a time has Father Keith told us we have as many family members as those we love. 0 what a consolation to know that my family contains the entire Mystical Body of Christ.

And so at the supper this evening, I met many of my sisters. I sat beside Father at the head table, consumed every precious love word that fell from his lips during his talk on communication. Then as he sat by me while Father Nisan spoke, I gazed at his right hand that lay on the little tray of my wheelchair. And in my heart I kissed the hand that gently feeds my soul. Thank you for this Father. I shall treasure him now and through eternity. Teach me to obey and love him as I should. Let me be worthy of his love. Love him for me, as I am not able. But I'll die trying. Please God!

We walked home under a star-filled canopy. You always arrange it that way, don't you, Mother? Thank you, Star of the Sea. Yes, I saw you smiling there. When we got to our room, Father stayed even longer to give me the opportunity to go to Confession. And for my penance I gave my poverty, for him. And he thanked me. How may I show my gratitude to him? I give him my life and beg that, like Christ, I might be stripped of all things, except the Cross. This treasure is mine. Love…Love…Love…

Thursday, October 11

Feast of Your Motherhood

Happy Feastday, Mother! You whose FIAT was so strong that what was uttered by a hidden maiden to an angel in Nazareth echoed through space and time to the mouth of a Mother standing on a hill, whose tear-stained eyes gazed at the lifeless Body of your Son. In that one FIAT you exchanged your eternal Son for a little wretch just beginning her climb. Why, Mother? Although I shall never understand, I shall be eternally grateful. I shall keep struggling. With you there to beckon me I know that one day I too shall reach the top, there to fling myself upon His Holy Cross. Mother, keep calling me. Show me the blood-stained path. And if I fall, weak that I am, draw me in your strong motherly caress.

Mrs. Black and Mrs. Read came this morning with the prescription Father Keith had asked them to get filled for me. They are so very enthusiastic about Father's suggestion that I help them impregnate their coffee club with Charlie. They looked over all our books, and were thrilled when I gave them the Jesus-Caritas booklet on Friendship and another on the life of Brother Charles. We'll begin our studies with the Friendship booklet. 0 please let it be soon, for I'm just as enthused as they. I do get the Willies when I think of the silly little instrument the Holy Spirit plans to use for this, but then I remind myself that my part is only to be His plaything, completely abandoned to His good pleasure. Please watch me, Mother, that I never drift from His sight.

This afternoon we saw parts of the opening of the Ecumenical Council on television. It was thrilling to see our beloved Holy Father and all the princes of Christ's Holy Church there together. May the entire world recognize that THIS is the Holy Spirit, and may our hearts be open to receive all He wishes to teach us.

Friday, October 12

With this morning's Introit we greeted you: Hall, holy Mother! What did Christ say to you at sunrise? Perhaps He ran to the kitchen and climbed upon your knee, there to recite His morning prayers, and to kiss your cheek to tell you He loved you. And then did you hug Him close and echo that Love? You see, I too hold Him very close each morning. And I know that if He hears you whisper to Him in my poor abode He'll be happy and feel at home, and stay here always.

Saturday, October 13

Sister let me go to Mrs. Ryan's room this morning for our first instruction. I think she'll do fine, God love her. This is a completely new experience for me, and once more I drew upon my missionary's unlimited Source, the Holy Spirit. Would that I might be such a supple instrument as he! Teach me, sweet spouse of the Holy Spirit. Let me be so filled with Love that, like him, I may be another Christ. Love of Christ, my true identity, consume me completely in your Flames. Only then might I be a worthy co-missionary. 0 what movement of divine grace moved me to pledge myself to this Cross as Father's little Simon? A mere infant who asks to shoulder a giant's burden? LOVE does such things! That's all. I know that only you can really understand. Thank you, my Mother.

Sunday, October 14

An excellent portrayal of St. Teresa of Avila was presented on TV this morning. 0 the suffering this staunch Bride of Christ endured in her battle with the disease that threatened vital parts of Christ's Mystical Body! She was so tormented by those who chose a Christ without a Cross that she piously complained: "If this is the way you treat your friends, Lord, no wonder you have so few!" Dear Mother, your family is once again in dire need. And Charlie has lived, and died, to bring the love of the Gospel back to us. Now let him begin his reform. Let his spirit permeate the highest brick walls to be found, so that religious everywhere may love and be loved. And although Christ does not wish this little dandelion in His flower gardens [convents], let me remain outside the wall, trodden upon till there is nothing left of me, till all self is destroyed and I lay there, helpless, and feel the warmth of the Son. This is my vocation, to be trampled in the dust so that my missionary may be glorified. Jesus live, in my missionary! Jesus save in my death! I ask only that my missionary conquer in the name of LOVE the heart of every man he meets. Big request? No, not for one who has You for her Mother and God her almighty Father. Mother, receive the wretched life I beg to offer for Father Keith. How else might I return the love he has given me? Perhaps in the Love Father spreads God will smile and somehow know that as his chalice is raised, filled with sparkling wine, there is a tiny drop of water whose poverty is consumed in unfathomable riches of Caritas.

Daddy came earlier than usual this afternoon. We saw the original "Going my Way" with Bing Crosby and Barry Fitzgerald. 0 Mother, I'm never lonelier than when he's here! I guess all other times there are prayers, studies, correspondence, reading, but when Daddy's here I must sit there, trying desperately to find things to say. Love needs no words. Does that mean I don't love him? Please help me to love him more! And in my loneliness I thought of Elwood, and the tears came. After Daddy had left this evening, I sat there and was grateful to let them fall. But then Sister caught me dripping and whisked me off to third for a visit. How I wished to be alone. Let me rest here, Mother, and let me cry so that each drop might water a seed--for my missionary.

Monday, October 15

Feast of St. Teresa of Avila

Today, right in the midst of his letter, St. Paul cried: "Would that you might bear with a little of my foolishness!" And as I cried this with him, I felt your embrace as you reminded me to love unto folly. Yes, Mother, with you here I shall always be just as Jesus wishes, His little "fool". And because I know this I run to my Mother for all things. I'm incapable of even beginning to love Christ. Poor little rich fool! This too I know that you will do for me, and only from your hands would He accept such an offering. And don't forget that this poor little Charlie heart is yours too. Love Him here!

At adoration this afternoon Christ kissed me so gently. And I tried to find Him. There He was in the tabernacle. Here [He] was within me. But no, this was a different presence. He was everywhere. I couldn't move from His embrace. I was in Him. Please, Jesus, let me stay!

There's a good chance I'll get to ride with the girls to Tipton, there to celebrate Mother Gerard's feastday at SJA. 0 please let me spend the day there, with the girls and perhaps a little while with my precious SME. But then, just tell me what Jesus wants of His little vagabond tomorrow, and whatever it is, fill my knapsack with love, Your love, lots of it, Mother, for I can't travel alone.

Tuesday, October 16

Mother Gerard's Feastday

God pulled all kinds of tricks on His little vagabond today, but He did let me finally get to Tipton. First the bus didn't come, then the car that was going from St. Joseph's didn't show. Sister Josepha kept calling till someone picked Sister Evangelista and me up at eleven. And in all this I saw the folly of trying to make plans alone and the beauty of Divine Providence in all these little vexations. And I thanked Him for His mercy in showing me these things, for the peace that His sacred Presence brings.

And how very good He was to arrange it that although we didn't reach Tipton till 11:45. We were there just in time for me to place my poverty on the paten to be offered for my missionary. And there he was! He was the sub-deacon, our Charlie delighting in the last place. There I sat in the back of the chapel, and I felt once again the union that Christ, in His boundless kindness, has given me and my missionary. At Communion our eyes met, and we feasted together at the banquet of Love. That was all I saw of him today, and yet I know that one word couldn't have added to the experience.

Sister Rosaria came up to me right after Holy Mass, and she caressed me as she told me how happy she was to see me there. Because I knew she meant this, tears of gratitude spilled from my happy heart. Thank you for Love.

I had lunch with the girls, then went to the gym with them as they prepared for their program for Mother at one-thirty. And as the Sisters filed in Sister Camilla pulled up a chair beside me. I rejoiced that we could sit together, and this afternoon we spent the longest time ever with each other. Even rode home together. Thank you for letting me know this beautiful soul a little better. Help me to be like her in Love.

On our way home Sister Camilla told me that I might keep her relic of St. Camillus till the end of the year. I shall try to be worthy of this honor by wearing it for her. And we sang the Salve Regina, just as Father and I do on our way home from our little trips. And once again we were together, thanking you for a lovely day.

Wednesday, October 17

Feast of St. Margaret Mary

This morning I asked little Margaret Mary to teach me how she offered all her little disappointments to soothe the Sacred Heart of her Beloved. Yes Mother, Holy Obedience asked me to miss Holy Mass and Communion once more, and so I had a little something to place on my missionary's paten and I thanked God for it. At times like these, when tears stain my face and my poverty goes so far as to take me from the sacred Banquet Table, I feel very close to Father. Joyfully I run to join myself even more completely with every second of his Mass and know he permits me to be there. Do thank him for me. And love him for me.

While I was in chapel after dinner, Sister brought a letter from Velma which she thought might be "interesting." And I agreed with her. I am so ashamed for not having written her. So I just wrote her this evening, hoping to [put to rest] a fear she expressed. Velma feels that she's responsible for my feelings about Daddy. 0 please let me show her the true picture. I guess she thinks this because I never said a word about all the little hurts I received from Daddy till she commented on how he treated me. But Mother, it was then that I saw it wasn't wrong to speak to someone about them. I finally found someone who saw and understood; who wasn't shocked, who didn't scold me for saying things I felt. SME did. I guess she had a beautiful family life before entering the convent. It's hard for her to imagine things otherwise. But Velma knows. And I feel that she and Father Keith have permitted me to lay down this burden, to rest a little while in their love, and now to take it up again, in silence, and to carry it with much more love because of this refreshment they offered. I thank God for my Daddy, for all he has endured for me, and I beg that I may ease all the pain he has endured for me with AN EVER GREATER LOVE.

Thursday, October 18

0 thank you, thank you, our dear Mother! You really did let us meet again! Lady of Lourdes, the bond you made for Joe Reilly and me at the foot of your grotto, that bond of love that joined us for the past four years, you have kissed today. You saw that it was good for us to meet again, and you smiled upon our reunion. Thank you again. Can I ever do so enough? No, but I know that you accept these poor efforts and offer in their place your praises to God.

This evening, right after supper time, Sister Evangelista called me to the phone for a call from Indianapolis. I thought that perhaps Daddy was giving me a buzz and nearly dropped the receiver when I heard our own Joe Reilly's voice. And what he said was an even greater shock. He would be here just as soon as he could get a bus to Kokomo. I was tongue-tied, and he later confessed that he worried all the way here that I had lost my speech since our pilgrimage.

How slowly each second ticked away as I awaited his arrival. And when he walked in the door I knew that I had returned to Lourdes as I'd always dreamed. He handed me a plaque that he had bought for me at your dear shrine, and I caressed it and knew that you would be with us in a very special way during our visit. This is the return trip for which I dare not even pray, unworthy as I am to have been there even once. And yet you permit me to return to the hallowed shrine, with your saint of the fire department. Yes, you know how very weak your little one is, and you bend over gently to kiss my cheek. Sweet Caress!

There was o so much to say, and I wished to take every word that fell from his holy lips and press it close, there to remember it always. There was the continuation of his first installment to me on his trip to Lourdes and then to Rome last year. There were ideas of forming a new order of handicapped Sisters whose principle work would be the translation of children's books into Braille. And there was the joy I felt when he recognized the picture of Brother Charles on our dresser. There was just one more bond to unite us.

And now he has gone to his hotel for the night. We'll begin tomorrow with Holy Mass together, and as for the rest, I know you have it all arranged, so I just close my eyes and hug this plaque and wait for a whole day--at Lourdes. Come, lovely dream.

Friday, October 19

Our Joe came to Holy Mass this morning to find that I had volunteered his services as altar boy. Aren't you glad I'm so generous, with others? Mother, we both felt that we were back at Lourdes with you, and we thank you for being present to us in such a special way all day today.

Joe ate breakfast with Father Kohne, then came in to say that we could use Father's car for the day.

After breakfast Joe told me all about the pilgrimage to Rome and the beautiful audience the group had with our Holy Father Pope John. I thrilled at his free translation of the Pope's message to us. "No one but Americans would be crazy enough to take all these sick people and travel thousands of miles just to see me!" And I was happy to know that I too was among the crazy gang. I sincerely believe that those invalids did more good for our great country than a thousand ambassadors could begin to do.

We decided that since we had the car we'd go to see Msgr. Edgar and Vivian, but our journey was rather circumspect. In order to save Father Keith the trouble of coming to Kokomo, we decided that since we had the car we'd go to see him.

We called the rectory to inform Father Keith of the change of plans, then were on our way to Muncie. Joe laughed at my many exclamations about the weather, the breath-taking beauty of the sky. O yes, you were there, sheltering us in your lovely blue mantle everywhere we turned. Thank you for making our second pilgrimage such a beautiful one. The Friendship booklet was there in my hands, and I began reading to Joe some of the little goodies that I happened upon. And when I had read Velma's life story, "Lord, why did you tell me to love all men, my brothers?" he looked at me with tear-filled eyes and asked me to record that and others of my own poems on a tape for him. We spoke of many other things, and I realized more and more what a lovely little hilltop we had found, and I breathed easily--in Love.

When we got home we learned that the elevator was out of order, and Sister accused me of this because Joe had to carry me all the way to our room. 0 Mother, it was so very much like Lourdes, and my very own brancardier joined me during these seconds of "flight" in a prayer before your shrine so dear to our hearts.

A phone call told us that my fellow-pilgrim would have to leave immediately to make his bus connections, and as we bid each other a rapid farewell I knew that, as always, we'll meet often in prayer, and because you kindly gave us this day together the bond between us has been strengthened a hundred-fold. This is truly heaven on earth, this eternal friendship.

Now, as the fires of our candles are lit and we join all of Mary's children throughout the world, let our Ave's ring through the Pyrenees, through every heart and up and on their way to God. Immaculate Mary, our hearts are on fire! We love you. Ave Maria!

Saturday, October 20

Guess you really showed us today the beauty of clouds and drizzle. I looked out and realized just how good you had been to us in giving us such a perfectly beautiful day yesterday and in reserving the showers. Thank you, Mother, for taking such good care of your Lourdes pilgrims.

Stephanie came in this afternoon to take me for a walk outside. That was so sweet of her, and we walked a few blocks before returning. But such a pickle I was. We went over all kinds of stone and uneven ground, and that sharpened the pains in my already screaming neck and head so that even now I find it very difficult to hide the torture. 0 how hard I try not to show my discomforts, and how many times I fail. And this time I complained about the muddy wheels and made myself anything but a Charlie. I know that Stephanie was hurt, for Sister asked me if something had happened. She said Stephanie looked unhappy when she returned to the floor. 0 how could I have been so very ungrateful?

Yes, it was the ME and definitely not the Christ Who wishes to love in my poor heart. Do ask Him to forgive me, and beg of Him the strength I need to rise again and again. I shall never be so selfishly cruel to Him again--if you will please help me, Mother.

0 Mother, why does it hurt so? Will I ever be free of this nagging pain? I'm so very tired. My body begs to lie on a comfy bed and truly rest. Yes, the flesh is truly weak, for I know that deep down pervades a great joy in suffering. I guess each time I go to the clinic I expect something of a cure, but when it doesn't happen and I see that I may keep this for my missionary, you know how I rejoice. Thank you for telling me just how I might share in his apostolate of Love. And yes, I'll keep this misery as long as you'll permit. With Love, take this to him, my precious brother.

Sunday, October 21

Hilda came for me about nine-thirty this morning, and we were the first alumni to arrive at dear SJA.

Holy Mass was celebrated at eleven. Sister Angelica asked me to go to my old place, at your feet, and I was thrilled to be there again. The singing was angelic and I know that God forgave the little squeek. I was so happy to be at a High Mass once again and my lips insisted on repeating what my heart was singing with the Sisters. How thrilled I was when at the end of Holy Mass they burst into Jubilate Deo.

Then there was our brunch, then upstairs for a little powwow with SME. O yes, Mother, thank you very much for permitting me to see her. You know how very hard I've tried, and how many times Christ has asked me to pray for her instead. Please thank Him for His goodness in letting me have this long-anticipated visit today. We went into SME's office and closed the door for about a half-hour talk. There are still so very many things I wish her to know. Please tell these for me. Tell her how I love her. That's all.

The pain has been quite severe in my neck and head lately. I had brought along the head pillow today, so sat in a chair in SME's office and rested a little during the visit. Thank you for arranging it so I could rest my poor burden of a head during that time. Mother, you know how it hurts. You know how hard I try to hide it from others, and please help me always to do so. But I know I needn't hide anything from you. Please take all this pain, incessant that it's been today, and offer it as an incessant gift of love for my missionary.

Rode home with Ruthie Zimmerer, and such a darling she is. Was so glad to find Sister Aquinas anxiously awaiting us. 0 Mother, I do love her and wish that somehow I might repay her every kindness. And all she asks is that I pray for those who are dear to her, never for herself. Please listen to her selfless requests, and do teach your little one to imitate such Caritas.

Monday, October 22

Our Sister Raphael came home this evening. Thank you for bringing her safely home to us. We have missed her, and it's great to see the warmth of our superior's smile once again.

President Kennedy has called an emergency session of Congress, is also trying to call meetings of the U.N. Security Council and also the O.A.S. Mother, your children in Cuba, your children around the globe are threatened by great dangers. There is a terrible military buildup in Cuba, and recent surveillance has told us that the danger is so bad as to have our troops called up, as to warn Khruschev that an attack from Cuba on any nation of the Western Hemisphere would be considered a direct attack upon the U.S. by the Soviet Union.

Yes, Mother, here we are, your disobedient children, asking you once again to stay the hand of an angry God. Queen of the Holy Rosary, this is the month during which our Ave's should be soaring incessantly to your throne. But where are the Ave's you requested? Where is the powerful weapon you strung for us? Mother of Mercy, I know that you can help us. Yes, it is late to begin, but each second we must begin our battle against the forces of evil. Queen of the Holy Rosary, dear Lady of Fatima, please listen to the prayers of your poor children, crushed under satanic tyranny or threatened by it. Hail Mary! We salute you. We love you. Please pray for us NOW. Do accept the love I pour forth to you through the heart of my dear missionary. Protect "our" people, and let us combat the hatred of war with the unfathomable forces of Divine Love. Let this Fire spread to every corner of our sad world.

Tuesday, October 23

Today's mail brought a beautiful note from Dorothy. I know, Mother, that You are certainly rewarding the generosity that she pours forth in blindly doing the Holy Will of God by moving to Fort Wayne, unaware of what He has in store for her and Eileen there, only confident that Our Father will lead her wherever He wishes. Do care for them, and help me to learn such blind obedience. Please Mother.

Thursday, October 25

This was surely the day for visitors. Thank you, Mother, for sending so many my way. Daddy came this evening and just left. I think we're going to take the trip I've been cooking up for him recently. In about two weeks he'll come to take me to Grandma's for the night. Then we'll go for the visit that's been coming all my life, with Sister Blanche. 0 please let us make this trip. Let my health improve a little, so that I'll be strong enough. And please God that I might hide my pain from all those I love. Let them see only the smile of a victorious Christ.

Got a precious note and some great little contemporary cards from Velma today. The cards weren't signed so that I might send them to those I love. This has happened ever since I decided contemporary cards just wouldn't fit my budget. Thank you, Mother! Please take Christ a love song from His little sparrow. And bring a tweet to my missionary, just to let him know I'm here, living, praying, suffering, and, please God, dying--for him. Only let me sit here for a minute as I write to you each night and be warmed by the very Fire that consumes my little brother's heart. Thank you for giving him to me. I shall love him always.

Friday, October 26

Got a surprise visit from Father Schiavone this afternoon. Do thank him for me.

Then Stephanie was in. She's such a darling, and we had fun going through my yearbooks. Meanwhile she gave my "football knees" a good rubbing with lotion. Such sweet consideration.

Our Mitch wasn't on TV this evening, and I must admit I did miss our weekly songfest. Sorry, Mother, but I have 0 so many lollipops. And you know how I long to go out somewhere to sing and be myself. But Christ knows I don't need this. Otherwise He wouldn't have taken privacy from me. Do teach me to be a good Little Sister, consumed in the multitude and not desiring anything other than the lot of my brothers and sisters. Perhaps some day Velma can come and we can gather around the piano as we did during the evening at home. That would be wonderful. But until then, I shall sing a love song in a poor little Charlie heart and beg that you take it to Christ for me, with your love song. Let me remember, keep reminding me, that my missionary must long for solitude, for time only to get his prayers said, but he is continually consumed by his people, just as Brother Charles was. And surely his littlest servant cannot ask for more than he has. Please obtain forgiveness for me and help me to be a worthy little sister to him.

Saturday, October 27

Good evening, Mother dear. How did you like that High Mass this morning? 0 Mother, I was so tickled that Sister Paul was here to play the organ for us so that we could sing your votive Mass today. Our first High Mass since I came here, and it was to sing your beauty. I could think of nothing I'd like better. 0 Mother, I love you so. Thank you for the FIAT that made you mine. And now, since this little heart is no longer my own, YOU must say the FIAT that makes me yours. And these are only one.

Had planned to have the daily catechism lesson with Mrs. Ryan after my bath this morning, but I just couldn't push any further. Mother, I try with all my feeble ability to hide this pain, never to utter a complaint, to smile Christ's smile to all I meet. But still there are some who see through my front. And when I asked to go to my room without having started the lesson, everyone knew something was wrong. Do forgive me, and help me to work much harder for my missionary. You know how he drives himself, consumed with love for others so much that a selfish thought would not gain entrance to the heart that isn't his. And what of this heart that isn't mine, that you have accepted from me to give to him? I too must be consumed. Every day I shall begin again the lessons Father teaches us with his life, the life of Christ. Please help me, Mother.

Thank you for bringing Sister Camilla to see me this afternoon. It was such a nice surprise, just as are all that you have in store for your little ones. You see how very weak we become, and you slip goodies our way to encourage us for the sacrifices required for an ever greater Love. Thank you, my Mother.

Sunday, October 28

Sr. Jude's feastday

Feast of Christ the King

Although I've not had the privilege of speaking much with Sister Jude, I love her so and beg you to be very generous to the child who has given her all to Christ, with much love. Please teach me to suffer as she suffers, to walk in the warmth of her smile because we follow the Son.

My missionary and I rejoiced together with the King of our Charlie hearts today. And with You as our Queen we may rest, confident that Love and only Love will remain here in the two hearts that have become one through Your loving care, in Jesus-Love. We have now just one throne for Him, and this idea pursued me so forcefully today that I put a little love song on paper entitled CONSOLATION.

Your little one wished to run before her King today, throwing little flowers in His path. But instead she sat here, waiting for His shadow to bathe her, then only to smile and to know that He understood the little smile upon my lips that screamed the love you in my heart. And in chapel this evening, my heart wept because I hadn't the strength to make His Way of the Cross with Him or even to say any of my night prayers except your Little Crown. I only sat there, happy to be with Him and knowing that He accepted my poverty, all that was mine to give today for my little brother. Deo gratias!

Mrs. Black returned with the Friendship booklet and the wonderful news that this Thursday evening we'll have our first get-together with the coffee club that desires to grow up, to [become] Charlies. I feel completely incapable of helping them, and I AM. But the Holy Spirit can and will do all things He wishes with His silly little instrument. God is my Father, and you my Mother. So I have no reason for NOT being a cockeyed optimist. And I AM.

Monday, October 29

What in the world was my missionary up to last night? Whatever it was, I'm sure he loved much. He always does. Meanwhile, back with Good Sam, I had quite the night. How very uncomfortable every position has become. I went from the floor to the chair, until exhaustion finally took over from midnight till 3:45.

And today it took everything to do the little necessities. I went to Mrs. Ryan, but talking became such a strain I left much earlier than usual. Holy Obedience forbid me to go to chapel after dinner for adoration, so I tried to love Him as I sat in the chair. The payoff came when Sister let me be with Christ in chapel from 3:30 to 4:30 this afternoon. Because I knew none of the Sisters would be in at that time, I slipped to my knees right in front of the communion rail and stayed there for a half-hour. Although the exhaustion and pain refused to leave, I thrilled to be kneeling before Him once again.

Mother, I want to write more to you, to tell you once again how I love you, to thank you a thousand times for taking this misery for my dear missionary. But I know that you understand all this, so I must go to rest. Please let it be always more, for if You, my precious Mother, stay with me always, then and only then can I give Father all I must, all you've asked me to give him. I can write no longer. My head is spinning and I can hardly read what I'm writing you now. 0 this Joy! If I were strong enough I would sing a beautiful love song. But my heart is singing. Deo gratias!

Tuesday, October 30

Good evening, Mother. Might we say situation normal? It's becoming so very confusing. The pain persists, and I'm becoming so very tired. Others notice, such as Father or Sister, and ask for the truth. And there I am, complaining to those who suffer much already, the two of them. Forgive me, Mother. I must try to appear much stronger. Please join the act. But with you, I am myself, joys and pains, and heartaches and love. Thank you for being here.

Stephanie's little sisters were here this evening, including the five-year-old. She is a darling, sang several songs for us, rode up to third on my lap. Thank you for sending me some little ones to hold. I do miss them and treasure their happy faces. Won't heaven be lovely! Only the happy faces of children there! Please lead me home, Mother.

Wednesday, October 31

Today's mail brought THE PROPHET'S quote on Friendship, from Mrs. Black. I was happy to see that she had found such good reading material. I know that her group passes books such as that among themselves, so we should have a grand meeting tomorrow evening. Please do help us. I know that I haven't prepared as I should, what with this constant pain, but I also know that if you ask Him, the Holy Spirit will guide me in everything. And so I am completely confident.

Mother Madeleine wrote from Our Lady of Hope, with profound apologies for not knowing my identity in that letter I wrote with room at the bottom of the page for only a "V". Of course, apologies were not necessary, perhaps only from me. But I was happy to hear from our dear little lambs. Please let me see them soon, that is, if you think it best for me. Actually, I needn't ask for anything, Mother, for you are always showering me with your loving care. And yet, like a little child, once in a while I come for a piece of candy. And because I am so young and ignorant of those things I really need, you bend to give it to me with a kiss. You don't get the same romping and thank you kisses when you give me my vitamins, do you, Mother? But I shall try to learn that anything you give me is good, and I want to thank you for yakky medicine too, even if I do make a horrible face in doing so.

Do you like our new bulletin board? It's always nice to have a fresh one at the beginning of each month, but too difficult to change it any more often. Right before me your Fatima image smiles at me, reminding me with the news program we saw this evening that you are helping the children who have been crying to their Queen of Peace. Please continue your motherly care to all nations. Bring them Jesus-Love, and they will be filled.

There in the center is a lovely thank you prayer which I beg you to teach me to say. I must learn to truly thank Our Father for all that He sends and to know that all is good and given me with Love. I must return all things to God, through you, with Love. And there are those pictures of my missionary during the picnic we had in the back yard. A picture of the little corner where I spent many hours of happy communion with God last summer. Pictures of Sister Camilla and that Sister Jude. How beautiful she is; how I love her! And then Little Angelo is scattered around with many helpful little reminders to show me how I may love better.

Thursday, November 1

All Saints' Day

Thank you, dear Queen of all saints, for making our day such a lovely one. Please give my love to all our dear friends there with you, to Joseph, Anthony, Bernadette, Therese; also to some little Virginia who lived on wheels and rolled steadily closer to God. Is she there now, to be just a little blossom at her Mother's feet? Do ask her to let me join her one of these days.

Sister Camilla called this morning, and it was such a treat to talk with her. She sent over one of her copies of the new Jesus-Caritas booklet and also an extra booklet on YOU. I love you, Mother. How can so very many of your children forget you? I shall tell them, Mother. I'll show them just how you've cared for me. And perhaps you are laughing at this zeal. It is rather foolish of one so very insignificant to aspire to be your campaign manager, but when I hear the words, "It is no longer I..." whispering within me I know that I can do all things.

Today's mail was a real Holy Day treat. There was a big beautiful letter from Father Lucien! Thank you, Mother. Do be with him, for it's so hard when sometimes his zealous efforts with the boys are apparently so futile. This hurts him so. Tell him how pleased Christ is, that this is the folly of the Cross. And tell him how WE love him. I know he'd like to hear.

And this evening we held our first Charlie meeting in Kokomo. 0 the dynamic response of those eight! Thank you, Mother, a thousand thank you's, for sending the Spirit of Christ to work so beautifully in our midst. We spoke of friendship and I formed friendships, eternal I pray. But now it's so very late. Please forgive me for having kept Sister, and you, up so late, and teach me the prudence and consideration that Christ wishes to have through me in all things.

Friday, November 2

All Souls' Day

Lovely letter from Anne today. Thank you, Mother. Although God didn't permit us to really know each other, I do love her because I know how very dear she is to Christ and how beautifully she has suffered with Him. That first meeting, we two big wheels sitting together on Holy Thursday evening, listening to Father's words of love, of amicitia, that was a lovely way to meet. And little did I realize how self-conscious she felt in her wheelchair, nor how my invitation that we become the "big wheels" of the Charlies relieved her. Thank God for using me. And may nothing that escapes my lips ever be mine, but only the word of Christ to bring His Joy to lonely hearts. Nothing is mine. You know this, Mother. Please remind me again and again, your little slave, your little child. And you have taken all and given it to my missionary. Please, please give me Christ's Life, Christ's prayer, Christ's suffering, Christ's death, so that there will be something to give my little brother.

Saturday, November 3

Thank you for sending Mrs. Black this afternoon. We had such a good visit, all done up Charlie style. 0 how wonderful it is to begin to communicate once again! How I've yearned, to express to one who would understand the love that I've felt flaming within me. How I've longed to go once again to the hilltop and breathe easily, not fearing the words or judgments of others. And though I dared not dream such lovely things, you have given me eight Charlies here in my very own parish. My dear solicitous Mother, I love you!

Mrs. Black brought Cokes for us to sip, and her copy of THE PROPHET for me to use till she can get one for me. I was tickled to leaf through those precious pages once again, finding treasures forever new for the world's richest little vagabond.

I learned that everyone at the meeting the other night has responded with vigorous praise when questioned on the meeting. Such tremendous enthusiasm they poured forth, and I can hardly wait to write my missionary all about HIS success, for you well know how I prayed to say only what the Holy Spirit wished, just as he would say those things, just as he would teach us to love.

Sunday, November 4

After Holy Mass this morning our precious Jesus was exposed for our Holy Thirteen Hours here at Good Samaritan. Please tell Him how we wish to thank Him for such great condescension. And tell Him how very sorry I am that I could not be a better companion for Him as I stayed with Him today. I told the Sisters they needn't hurry through breakfast, so they let me stay there with Him till nine. I yearned to love Him, to be there with Him and with nothing to come between us, but the pains were so severe. My neck, arms, back, legs, there was nowhere I didn't feel its scourge. Finally I found the muscle spasms just too exhausting so climbed to the floor, there to kneel in painful expression of my love. I know He accepted this poor love, for You gave it to Him for me. Please thank Him that He permitted me to love Him thus. For He knows that did He not give me this wonderful suffering I would have nothing to offer.

And Sister let me go there to kneel before Him from eleven to twelve. Daddy came this afternoon. He brought the pictures we took of Joe, and the one Father Keith snapped just as Joe was getting into the car makes me giggle each time I look at it. Joe's hand is dangling in the air, and I think of Father's comment: You've been running around with Virginia so much you caught her cerebral palsy. And it looks that way. Hope I caught his apostolic sanctity!

Daddy said he'll be here for me this Thursday for the weekend trip to see Sister Blanche in Gary. Although I feel very incapable of such a journey right now, and Sister Aquinas advises against it in view of my health, I know that this visit has been a lifetime in coming and pray that somehow I'll be strong enough to hide the pain and fatigue that plague me.

We had our closing of Thirteen Hours tonight at seven-thirty, and all the Sisters from St. Joan's were here. Father Villa gave the sermon, warning us not to mar the privilege of daily Communion by becoming indifferent. Mother, you will help me here, won't you? The pain and muscle spasms were quite pronounced this evening, and I beg that you never permit me to forget my missionary at such times. Thank you for him, and for something I might give him. Do tell him of my love.

Monday, November 5

A little package arrived from St. Meinrad today with the expected "heavier reading material" Father Lucien mentioned in his letter. There were two books from Grail Publications there. One, THE GLORIES OF DIVINE GRACE, will teach me much, I trust. And the other is a child's story of St. Martin de Porres. I was thrilled to receive it and begged that it be a pledge of my littleness. Help me, Mother, to be a good little sister, nay, a baby sister, and may my nothingness be my missionary's glory.

Also an utterly ridiculous contemporary card and a lovely note from my dear Charlie [Velma], telling me of Grandma's ever-weakening condition. 0 Mother, you see, I still wish to call it "our" home. And yet I know this can no longer be. Please help me, and accept the tears that fell from a poor vagabond's eyes today as a pledge of my love. I keep wondering what Thanksgiving will be like when I return to my precious Nazareth. I yearn to know that I'm still a part of that home, and yet I know that this is no longer possible. Possessive that I am, I know that I shall cling to those few days there and want them to last forever. And then once again I shall be wrenched from what I love so passionately. Do not spare me one pain in this, Mother. Do not beg Christ to soften these blows. Let me burn in the flames of Divine Charity, and only let me know that I am nothing and that there is nothing left of me but everything of Christ. I joyously fling myself upon this Cross, and beg that in death I may find my Life.

Betty and I finally reached beyond the shallowness of our relationship today, and we are now friends. Thank God! Her troubled heart saw that there was one who would truly listen and she spoke to the Christ within my poor but loving Charlie heart. And she wept, and found relief. Why did it take her so very long to find Him there? Please help me to be a better little sister, so that [every]one need look but once and find Love.

Wednesday, November 7

Feeling pretty chipper today. By the brevity of yesterday's letter You must have known how rough things were. Not even strong enough to complain, and that's going pretty far. Seriously, I wish somehow I might thank you for listening. And I know that I should do this by being a good child. But you know how very often I fail. How often I must disappoint you, Mother dear. LOVE of Christ, consume me, that there be nothing left of me to hurt my Mother's tender Heart!

Sweet note from Sister Blanche today to say that she's expecting us this Friday. And got a letter from our dear Queen. Had just written her last night. She told me that Charlie Bug [Father Keith's VW] had been squashed. You know how disappointing this is to me. I did love that little Volkswagon, so very many happy times with my missionary did it bring me. How will Father get around now? I know he won't use his wings till absolutely necessary. You know how modest (?) he is. Please do care for him and get him another little bug. I need one!

Tomorrow afternoon or evening Daddy will be here for me, and I must admit I'm rather dreading the long trip. It's always so very difficult. But then there's Sister Blanche waiting. So, difficult and joyful, please take it for my dear brother. I'll be his big wheel now!

Sunday, November 11

0 Mother, when you plan delights for your little one you really go all the way, don't you? We had a truly beautiful weekend! It's impossible to thank you properly, but I know that you accept my silly efforts.

Daddy came right after my holy hour Thursday, very much earlier than I had anticipated. So I did a rush packing job, only to wait a half hour while he finished a magazine article he had begun in the meantime. Then we were on our way to Fowler, where I spent the night at Grandma's.

And Friday morning we got to go to the eight-fifteen Mass at Sacred Heart. Then after breakfast we were off--for San Pierre and Gary.

It was a very long drive, rather difficult but worth a thousand such difficulties. And I met finally "our Betty." What a beautiful saint lies there on her bed of suffering, crippled with arthritis for thirty years. And the overwhelming smile and brilliant sparkle of her eyes is enough to work miracles within anyone who has the wisdom to enter her room. Thank you for leading me to that sanctuary of peace and happiness. Not sympathy, only love for her filled my poor little Charlie heart. His strength. There it is seen in all its splendor.

Wondered just how to introduce myself to Betty, for I thought it would be funny to walk into her and have to introduce myself to one I feel that I've known for years. But the beautiful thing is that she knew me too. When asked who the visitors were the aide told Betty that there was a man and a fifteen-year-old girl in a wheel chair! Betty said she thought of me the minute she heard the word wheelchair. She had heard of me from our dear Sisters of the Lamb of God, and she had a feeling I might have come. You see, we had never written each other, but very little introduction was necessary.

We spoke of many things, so very much did we have in common. And when Daddy and I went to the cafeteria for dinner I rushed so as not to miss one second with our Betty. She told me that the Bishop of Owensboro has the land for a novitiate about fifty miles down the river from Owensboro, at a place I think is called Paducah. Actually, although I said nothing to Betty, I truly have my doubts that I shall be a part of that novitiate, so engrossed in Brother Charles and fraternity work have I become. But then I know that when the time comes you'll show me just where I must go. And so I leave that in your hands and beg the strength, His strength, to carry out today's work. Only today's. Please be with me always, Mother, for without your guidance I shall surely stray far from His design. But with you I know that any road we take will lead to Him.

It was a real struggle to leave that sunshine wherein grows a beautiful Betty flower, but we had to be on our way if we had any notion of seeing Sister Blanche. And so I said our so long, knowing that I would [not] be returning very soon, and that wherever I might go "our Betty" would be mine too.

Finally the moment came when we who had known each other from thirteen year's correspondence were introduced. And how superfluous was that introduction, for we knew each other so very well. Our beloved Sister Blanche, such an angel is she. I hugged her as an old a familiar friend, for that is precisely what she was to me. The two hours in which our visit was to have terminated proved only an appetizer. And we begged Daddy to stay all night. He kept holding back, knowing that he would have to get home to Grandma. But when Sister had asked permission from Mother Superior and had even solved the medicine problem by getting me Soma from their pharmacy, Daddy gave in. I learned later that he had done so long before but was just holding out on me. Good old Dad!

So Daddy returned to Fowler and I stayed in the nurses' home with Blanche that night. He phoned the next day and said it would be okay if I stayed till Sunday. And so our anticipated two hours extended to two days. 0 thank you, our dear Mother, for such prodigality for your little ones.

Although Sister and I didn't discuss the possibilities of my moving there after the new wing is built on within a year, I know that she and Daddy discussed it this fall and think that chances are good. And I think I saw many little seeds in that desert that could grow immeasurably with Charlie! Get the message, Mother? What a great thing it would be to found a Fraternity there. Please work on it with me, Mother, for I do feel that He wants it. Just learn when for me and give me a shove. We'll do it together. And I think that I'll always be God's littlest vagabond, going from one place to another, just to love. I see this much more clearly since our trip to Gary. I must tell the world, "shout the Gospel" in my vagabond fashion, only love, and I thank God for showing me!

We had so very many happy times together, just two little children playing in Our Father's world. When we got stuck in the elevator--that was such fun, especially when they yelled down to tell us not to go anywhere. And when Sister Bernita helped Sister Blanche dunk me. Sister Blanche, inexperienced as a nurse and most generous with everything, was quite prodigal with the talcum and as I shed the excess she had put on me, she and Sister Bernita got showered with the white perfume on their pretty black habits. We laughed until our sides ached and tears ran from our eyes, and I know you laughed too to see your little ones there in the height of delight.

Guess two years wouldn't have been long enough to make up for lost time, but I feel that you gave us just the time we needed together. But then, I'm not at all surprised, for you always do things that way for your children. Thank you, our precious Mother, thank you so very much.

It was hard to leave Sister and St. Mary Mercy Hospital, very hard. I didn't know that two days could weave so many strings. But I feel that you'll permit me to return soon and often and, God willing, to live there in Jesus-Love one day in the near future. Please let me see and accomplish always and only the will of my Spouse, Our Lord and Brother Jesus.

Didn't know I could be so very anxious to get home. It was a long and painful ride, and I could hardly wait to see Sister Aquinas' pretty smile. After giving the gifts out I was most anxious to rest. And our chair felt so good. And so I sat there, offering my heart once again for my missionary, filled to the brim with love and happiness, and in the shadow of the Cross, a brand new splinter this evening, that I shall lose my lovely corner here. Strip me of all but love. There must be nothing left of me, only the Love of God reigning completely through me.

Monday, November 12

Today was truly letter-writing day. I did nothing but, for there was so much make-up work to do after that wonderful weekend with Sister Blanche. Thank you again and again for it, my dear Mother.

One to whom I wrote was Joe Reilly. Upon arrival home last night I found that Sister had put a letter from him in our desk. A very precious letter, as are all that he writes. It was a real tonic after that long ride home.

Somehow losing my little corner doesn't seem so very drastic tonight. True I shall keep this room for a study and move my clothes, etc. to third floor for sleeping. Not that I needed more room. If there were a smaller corner available I would beg for it. But others, especially Father Goodrum, are outraged by my cramped living quarters. Unconscious of the fact that a very Little Sister needs very little room for herself, they have been talking here in town, even [sending] reports of such dissatisfaction Elwood way.

And so the little solitude I enjoyed so very much will be taken from me and I shall have to live right next to the bathroom on third. But then, is this not the lot of every Little Sister? We must become a contemplative within the multitude. Thank God for showing me this, and for letting me live more fully the life of those whom I love so. And thank Him even for the inconvenience of having my things so very far apart, some in a room on third and the rest down here on first, between which is the elevator which I myself am not able to manage. It will be like having to go out to work, again a Little Sister. It seems that you wish to lead me closer and closer to the ideal our dear Brother Charles has laid for us. Lead me on, blind though I am and halting though my steps. This is LOVE, thank God, and I beg for an immeasurable increase of love, YOUR love, with each breath.

Tuesday, November 13

Well, today Betty made trip after trip on the elevator from here to the room on third with me and all my things. There was so very much. How I wish that I had nothing to call mine, but perhaps mine is to be the poverty of possessing so very much of what I do not wish to have.

0 Mother, it's so very hard to keep moving like this. You know how very wearying was the packing in moving here to my new home from my beloved Nazareth. Now, only two months later, I'm obliged to have more than half my things upstairs. It's so very hard, for I cannot use the elevator alone and that's the only connection I have. And you know how integrated resting, etc, have become in our schedule. 0 no, Mother, I'm not whining. Thank God that He considers me strong enough for this. All day long, difficult though it was, I whispered, sometimes ground out, little acts of thanksgiving. To think that He considers me worthy of such vexations! His strength. Yes, I can do all things in Love.

And my missionary. I know that you must have sent much his way today. And in return, a letter from him. Thank you, Mother! Even in these Via Crucis you permit me to see the sweetness of your face in the crowd. I look up, knowing that you'll always be there, and in your tears I find my refreshment.

Wednesday, November 14

Last night I felt your motherly caress as I waited for the rest that tarried in coming. Sister had fixed a chair for me in our new room, and it was fine. But I just had to get out on my knees, against Ora's wishes I fear. Now I've come once again to the time when sleep becomes so very precious, so rare. And I sit there awaiting it, clinging to this sacred Cross and begging that the hours I watch with Him will somehow soothe His loneliness in the tabernacle below.

But 0 the surprises you have in store to soothe the pain of your little one. Never could I have dreamed of my missionary's visit today. But you knew just how very much I needed him and so here he was. He came during adoration this afternoon, returning my first book of letters to you. We came down here to our study and he could stay just long enough to hear my confession.

No more judging! Who am I to say whether this pain is wrong or simply these overactive emotions coming into play again? If there were no pain, no Cross, and then, God forbid, no Charlie heart. I must learn to accept all things as a good Little Sister should. Father offered to speak with Sister Raphael for me concerning the room situation, but I begged him not to. There is so much misunderstanding now, and I fear that any move to alleviate would only intensify it at the present. Only to follow His Will in blind obedience, this must be my lot. Please, Mother, I need His strength. And now I can do all that Love requires.

Last night, as I lay there in your arms, I knew that you were trying to whisper many things to me, particularly concerning these anxieties. Yes, Mother, I must rid myself of almost all these possessions, good, precious though they be, so that I may better perform all assignments Our Father will send His littlest bum. I know that this won't be easy, but perhaps I can use these for this year's Christmas gifts. For instance, there is our First Communion dress, the plaque Joe brought us from Lourdes, our big lollipop from my missionary. Mother, these must be surrendered. Please help me to tear all these and much more from my knapsack that I may run ever so swiftly to my Jesus!

0 how I yearned to speak with my little brother of this and many other things, of all He told me last weekend, of our Charlies here in Kokomo, but I had to watch him drive from me once again, this time in a little green "Joseph" Bug which he gave me the honorary privilege of calling Charlie II. And I know that even he isn't mine, that I must tear myself from this loved one and his words of wisdom to me, just as you tore yourself from Christ to give Him to me.

Another of our Charlies here, Lou de Schamps, came this afternoon for about an hour and a half. Thank you for sending her before tomorrow's meeting. And tomorrow evening we'll have our meeting. Come Holy Spirit! And you, His sweet spouse, please be with us as we launch into the exciting seas of Love.

Thursday, November 15

It seems that the longer I'm away from our Nazareth the lonelier I become. No, the pain does not dull with time, as I had expected. I, with Charlie, long for Nazareth. And instead of writing Velma this morning as I had intended I called. I know this is very impractical, and I'll try to be more prudent in using Holy Poverty in this regard. But thought that her voice might ease the pain. And I learned that our St. Joseph will be here for me next Wednesday. Just think, Mother! Only six days from now. The fears I had as regards my going back have vanished, and now I know that you'll let me be one of them for those few days. And then I shall return alone, and be grateful for this family you loaned me. Thank you for showing me this, for showing me that love is NOW.

Mother, why didn't my [Kokomo] Charlies come for me tonight? I waited for them from seven-thirty to nine, and even when Sister took me upstairs I had my ear tuned for a car. We were to meet Charlie this time. But I thank God that I got to know him better through this experience. Does this mean that I shan't be going to their meetings any more, that I shan't have my Charlies here in Kokomo with me? Is it that Charlie and I must long for companions, and in the end discover our seeds still under the soil? Only let it be here. Please protect my little seed in the desert.

Friday, November 16

All day I listened for the phone, thinking that perhaps one of our Charlies would call me. But no call came from them. 0 Mother, it does hurt. Please accept this for my poor missionary. 0 to think how it must hurt him to tell us of Love again and again, and to be mocked by our indifference. Please, bring each word he has said to me, each of Christ's words, back to me now and let me begin today to love boundlessly, to somehow ease the pain I've inflicted upon my precious Jesus.

Saturday, November 17

We really hit the jackpot with the mailman today. Four letters! I do love this correspondence, feel that it's an integral part of my vocation, and I beg the strength to do justice to all these brothers and sisters who shower so much love upon me, who ask questions, who request prayers.

Pretty soon it will be time to go upstairs to get ready for bed, and then to watch LAWRENCE WELK with Mary McNalley. Last night we watched Mitch together. Mary sat in a chair, I on the floor with my poor head leaning on her knees. And I shall never forget the joy I felt as she held my hand and loved me there. It was just as I wanted to do with Mother last year. But when I tried to get as near to her as I could, seeking for the security I had never known at her feet, she asked me to move because I bothered her. But Mary embraced me! 0 thank God for Love!

And now, Mother, please go to tell my missionary of my love for him. As he "balances his books" tonight let him find nothing that is not LOVE. And let me have nothing but LOVE to give.

Sunday, November 18

A lovely day did Jesus and I spend together. In His infinite mercy He stooped once again to enter this heart that is no longer mine. Did He find you there and smile because He was at home? Please, Mother, always be here to welcome Him. Be a Nazareth to him within me.

We wrote letters, We chatted with the girls in the kitchen, We read, We prayed, We listened to lovely music, even made some Ourselves, or We just sat here together, resting in the embrace of Love. It seemed that the angels had hushed all around Us, so as to give Us this very special day together. And now, Mother, you to whom I've been totally consecrated, you who have given me to another, take this peace to him tonight, and do tell him of my Love.

Tuesday, November 20

Had visitors this afternoon, first Mrs. Wiles and just as she left Mrs. Black came in. Two very beautiful souls. And I understood why there was no meeting last Thursday night when Mrs. Wiles told me of her brother's death. Mrs. Black was with her during the painful period following and even led the rosary at the funeral home Thursday night. Thinking someone had informed me, they didn't think it necessary to call.

So you see, there I was again stewing over silly matters that you had already taken care of. Do forgive me, Mother, and help me to rejoice always in God's Holy Will, taking the sacrament of the moment with confidence that my loving Father wishes it so.

Got a precious letter from Sister Blanche in today's mail. Sister said she enjoyed most the private talks we had Saturday night and again early Sunday morning. Actually, that was our only time alone, and how I too treasured those precious moments. So busy was I all other times she had to keep reminding me I came to see HER.

Sister went to her superior to obtain permission for me to spend Christmas there. At first Sister Cornelia hesitated, knowing what a terribly busy time that is there and fearing that Sister wouldn't have enough time to spend with the community. But then Sister Blanche knows that I don't require more entertainment than that provided in chapel, and she asked me not to hesitate in coming. And I couldn't dream of a more beautiful Christmas than one spent at the crib. But I leave this in your hands, Mother. Please tell me soon what Baby Jesus has planned for me at His birthday party. After all, it isn't for a guest to make such requests, especially not for His littlest vagabond.

And now it's only a matter of hours till I return to give thanks in our own little Nazareth. It's such a lovely thought I almost think I'm dreaming. But tomorrow night at this time I'll be HOME. And maybe we'll sing, or I'll pet Ludey till she "purrs" and later maybe my dear Charlie and I shall sit together on the couch in the fires of love that grow daily more intense. And we'll be sitting opposite the Enthronement of the Sacred Heart, where we shall have said family rosary a little before. Thank God for LOVE!

Sunday, November 25

Mother, please take these tears of complete joy and of intense pain. 0 death, where is your sting? Love, Love consume me. Burn me beyond recognition so that I lose all identity but your Flames.

0 where might I begin to tell you of this weekend? It was such that I wish to tell you every little detail, so if I appear wordy this evening I know you'll smile and understand.

Our St. Joseph and the two girls came for me Wednesday night and we sang little songs all the way home. So very full was my heart that I could not contain its little Magnificat, as you well know. For that was the feast of your Presentation and your little child could do nothing but sing all day. Remember our holy hour that day? I just couldn't be quiet, but knelt there in the freedom given me by my Beloved in His little house and uttered notes I'd hide in any other place. For you know that now there is no other place for me. I did feel the security of my own little corner, but even this has been asked of me. And although I now have two places in which to spend my days here, yet I feel that neither is mine. Nothing is mine--but GOD. And HE is EVERYTHING.

Two months of waiting had brought me back to--Nazareth. 0 how beautiful it was. It seemed that each second was an eternity till that one in which I was wheeled into the living room to embrace Velma. And there all walls I've built while here at my new home were shattered, and I who had suppressed a thousand tears became only a poor little child crying to One Who understood. 0 blessed relief!

And then these damp eyes greeted a little sunbeam, only a hint of what Our Father had in store for us this weekend. We went to the house of God, me and this family that once was mine, that was mine again that day so that together we might sing a Deo Gratias that you might smile upon as you presented it to Him.

We shared a Thanksgiving meal together, me and that family I so love. 0 how I long to say "my family," but it isn't mine. I wished to call it that but couldn't, so all weekend I tried to tell myself that I must accept this. 0 but the pain is probably the most severe I have endured. And so I might say that this weekend I've been more of a co-missionary than ever. And I must continue to grow, to become more efficient in my job of suffering. Love of Christ, annihilate me! There must remain no more of me but only Christ, spread upon the Banner of Love to become worthy of the Little Brother to whom you've given me.

Because Ludey had promised to grind her teeth especially hard for me that night and Grandma appeared to be winding up for quite a